Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › No contact is killing me. Doesn't it hurt him?
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a.
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Juniper
It’s really sad to me now that he left because he didn’t feel the same way, stopped finding my company and efforts enjoyable. The more I saw him trying less the more I compensated with an abundance of generosity and support and gifts and (smothering) lost myself and that equal balance of feeling and boundaries.
I suppose that balance is what I’m really hoping to get back or to get anew.
Juniper
I wonder if now that he has had the experience of losing interest in me or feeling less than me, if he would ever be capable of regaining interest and pursuit and desire and find me new and exciting and so forth, and believe and be optimistic – or if it is a lost cause.
But I know that doesn’t matter right now. I just wonder though. But I know I need to focus on strengthening my roots in myself not for him or us but for myself. I know.
Happy
Wow.. No offense,, but you might want therapy.
This relationship was not even a year and from what you post.. You were more into it than him.
Educated or not.. Find a professional to help,you because while writing it out here is cathartic, no one here is of the caliber to help with your real issue..xxHannah
Our posts crossed!
I don’t know how you just stop the thoughts either! I think the first step is recognizing they are obsessive. Challenging your thinking.
Second, wow you do have a lot on your plate! No wonder you feel bad at the moment!
I said in my last post I’m a caregiver. Well it’s to my father with dementia. We have a good relationship so I don’t have any of those past issues you have with your mother, but boy it’s tough! I feel sad I’ve now lost 2 loving parents because he’s effectively not him anymore but I feel sad for me. I can still work but even so, it’s draining, I know it will only get worse and I’m having to give up hopes and dreams for the future. Just this one of your many problems left me depressed and put such a strain on my marriage we talked separation. I even moved out of my home for a while. This was a stable 13 year relationship too! My husband just couldn’t understand my depression and how I was acting.
You have a huge amount to cope with at the moment, an almost unbearable amount. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it all. Please look after yourself the best you can. Get as much support as you can in any way you can get it. It’s actually quite normal to act extremely when faced with extreme situations. It’s natural for you to feel depressed. You will find a way.out of this but don’t expect it to happen over night. Just know it will happen!
Hannah
I can’t promise you anything but I can tell when I was a mess, my husband told me he’d lost all respect for me and didn’t like the person I’d become. How to make a depressed girl feel even worse! But I was a mess. Now I’ve sorted myself out a bit, he sses me back as the old me. There.could possibly be hope but don’t focus on that. The main thing is getting you feeling better
Juniper
For what it’s worth thank you everyone you are really helping me! I don’t know what I’d do with out you all.
Juniper
Happy I’m not sure that’s a helpful post – seems purely critical and judgmental and unnecessary right now and that is the last thing I need. If you want to come on here just to tell people to get therapy when they already are, as a way of cutting them down for opening up, you should probably just stop reading and commenting.
I don’t really want a response to this either. Just know that isn’t helpful to anyone.
nelia
im sorry for what you are going through i really am but obsessing about your ex and this new girl is not going to help you get better the truth of the matter is that this guy left you so he has every right to date whom ever he wants including this co-worker, it hurts i know but men put themselves first and they live for the moment if at this moment he feels like dating his co-worker then he will without thinking twice about it. you need to understand that men deal with break ups differently then women, where else you are crying and feeling sorry for yourself he is probably going on like never ever happened, it might take a few months but he will miss you and eventually care about the break if he isnt already, what matters now is you and you alone you need to work on yourself i suggest you go NC, dont talk or see him dont talk to his friends and when around mutual friends dont ask about him and dont talk about the break up just try your best to avoid him. find yourself again and do the things that make you laugh and happy try renting a comedy series to cheer you up allow yourself to heal and accept the situation for the way it is, and please stop asking people to fill you up with details about him and his co-worker it will only drive you crazy and get you further upset just stop for your sake. he does miss and care about you even though he might not realize it right now, goodluck
Tina
I’m going through same thing right now how did everything turn since then you had time to heal did u guy get back together
wiseowl
ok, may i say something here?
LAM wrote: “However, let me play devil’s advocate here. How awful would it be if you found out that he wasn’t missing you at all? It would be devastating, and set you back so so far in your healing, and do so much more damage to your self esteem.”
let me re-work this.
How awful would it be if you found out that he wasn’t missing you at all?
No, seriously. How awful WOULD it be?
Just sit with that for a moment. Let that sit with you.
Soak it in, absorb it, feel it. Feel how awful it would be. Would it be really THAT BAD?
Would it be the end of you? With all your youth, life, vibrancy left? Would it mean you could never go to Paris with a cute Brazilian boy you meet in a year’s time? Would it mean you couldn’t go shopping and get the coolest boots ever and an awesome scarf to match for fall? Would it mean no more awesome haircuts?
Would it mean no more netflix binges?
The best thing you can do right now is just pretend he doesn’t care. Pretend that’s what it is, accept the worst. Accept he is dating New Shiny Awesome Flawless Never Farts Coworker. Accept that your friends avoid you because they all get together and have THE MOST FUN THAT HAS EVER BEEN HAD, EVER, except when your name comes up, and they all immediately change into black veils and weep for your mourning.
1. It likely isn’t as all bad as that. Really.
2. So what if it is?Once you learn to accept the worst, there’s no more worry eating away at you. Dale Carnegie wrote about this in How to Stop Worrying and Enjoy Life. You really need to learn how to stop worrying! What’s the use? “If you can fix it, don’t worry. If you can’t fix it, don’t worry.”
What you NEED to do is become SO F*CKING AWESOME that he will kick himself in the balls for letting you go, but you won’t take him back because he sounds like he’s too caught up in himself to be the right guy for you.
wiseowl
Once you learn to let go of the worry, you open up your brain to think about other things, like how to solve the problems you feel you are having, and how to take care of yourself.
Love
@Wiseowl, totes agree!!!!!
The best thing to do right now as hard and sad as it is work on being the absolute BEST version of you! Work on yourself esteem big time!!! Work on healing your ❤️! Work on rebuilding your sense of self, remembering who you were before and honestly work on being your own best friend. If your best friend was dealing with a guy that was treating her like crap what would you say to her????!
Kick. That. Dude. To. Da. Curb.
I’ve been were you are and everyday I get better and stronger.
Also, just having faith and realising that he’s not the right guy for you. Hugs xx
a
I just went through a situation very similar to yours. I was too jealous, insecure, needy, etc. I have a anxious attachment and tend to act like this is relationships. Also, I have been cheated on before, but I also know every guy is different so I can’t base new relationships on past experience. It looks like this situation is a dead zone. I’m sorry to inform you. When ex’s get back together, it seldom works the second time around. So in your case, even if he took you back, the issues would still be there and the second breakup is going to be much harder for you than the first. Women are more emotional thinkers in relationships, and men are more rational. A women will base getting back together with an ex on how bad she’s hurting. A man will base it on how toxic the relationship was. Even though I believe he loves you, the relationship was toxic so when he thinks about you, this is what prevents him from texting/calling.
What I would do going forward. Block his number and all his social media. Do things for yourself. Therapy, self help books, yoga, cook a healthy meal, go to a sporting event. Whatever makes you happy. You will eventually get over him. Read the book “Attached”. It’s very informative on why you act how you do in relationships. You can explain this to the next man, so he understands you’re not a freak, you just have a different attachment style to him. Try to stay away from people who have avoidant attachment styles. Anxious/avoidant attachment relationships usually NEVER work. Their personalities are just too different. If he likes this girl, let him date her. He may miss you when he’s with her, and may value you more than he does now.
One thing to keep in mind is that you can’t make somebody love you. Either they do or they don’t. You already apologized. No need to do it again. If it’s meant to be he will come back. But don’t waste time hoping he will because it’s unlikely.
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