Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › No contact rule on the disappearing, reappearing man?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by
Crisula.
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Lizzie
I have read an article on here about 30 day no contact when a man disappears. Basically it talked about focusing on you and that the guy is not into you, but what about someone that keeps reappearing? I’ve been involved with this guy for quite a while now and we are both slow movers. The thing is each time we venture past his comfort zone he pumps the breaks and tells me that he doesn’t think we should be involved anymore. Couple weeks later, He returns. To add to it, in the moment he seems perfectly fine. It’s more like a delayed reaction with and he has a change of heart and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m having trouble gauging how far is too far with him because, he is perfectly fine. After a day or so passes, he does a 180 on me and he gives the impression his mind is set, yet her returns. He’s done this twice and now he’s disappeared for a third time. The other two times, when he initiated contact, I took a couple weeks before I responded and I kept things short and sweet until we ge. back to our normal interactions. This time, through text he expressed his desire to make love to me, I reciprocated. The next day he was acting like things were fine, but I could tell there was something wrong. I asked him if it had anything to do with the night before and he told me that he felt like he went too I far and regrets everything. He told me that he still cares for me and will still be there for me, but he feels awful about it. Without question we are both sexually attracted to each other, I’m not concerned about that however, I do anticipate his return at some point. It been two weeks already and frankly this hot and cold thing is getting a little frustrating for me. When he returns, we do more forward and grow closer, but it’s two steps forward and one step back with this one. Should I enforce the 30 No contact rule on him? Do I wait until he initiates before I “start” the 30 days? I currently have not reached out since I had attempted twice and got no response. I’m not going to intiate any contact until he contacts me first.
Guess
Lizzie, how old is he? And how old are you, if I may ask. (no patronizing here.. ;.) )
Algo
I think you should just stop talking to him altogether. He disappears and reappears as he wishes and you are letting him each time.
Any time he fancies, he weazels his way back in, has a nice time until he’s fed up and then disappears again.
Honestly, you can do better than this. Stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. Hecoles back when he’s bored and uses your company forna while and when he’s no longer lonely orhashas had his ego-boost, he’s gone again.
I’d drop him, if It were you. What does he really do for you?
Lizzie
Old enough to know his own mind, without playing games. Pushing 30, I’m not too far behind.
Shannon
I have to be honest here.
He is not into you.
I could never, ever imagine doing something deliberately hurtful to someone I loved, and that is what his behavior is doing. He doesn’t love you. That’s the blunt, sad, honest truth.
Life isn’t a movie. He’s not the leading man come to his senses and come back to sweep you off your heart. Hollywood has us thinking that’s part of the rollercoaster of love. The harsh reality is men that behave the way you describing usually have a variety of personality disorders. Some they can grow out of, some are here to stay, but usually he reappears when he’s bored and without female companionship.
On another thread a long time ago a male poster said something quite shocking but I think it was spot on. He said it’s like men are in a desert, and women are their oasis. When there isn’t an oasis in sight, they will temporarily return to a previous oasis but as soon as they spot a new one, they’re off again thinking that one may be better.
He’s returning because he needs a temporary fix of attention, sex, etc and he knows that if he says the right things you will give it to him. Please, realize that his constant reappearing isn’t a sign that he loves you. It has nothing to do with you at all.
Danielle
I’d forget about him. The yo-yo act never goes anywhere.
Guess
Dear Lizzie, I agree with Shannon.
The harsh truth is that all of us, especially those of us looking for answeres here, KNOW already the answere. It sucks!
I was asking your age because I wish I knew when I was your age (God, now I sound patronizing ;- ) ): there are more fish in the sea and some men waste our time if we are not careful!
It’ snot how early or late you sleep with them or when you texted him. He has to respect you and wanting to see you, make time for you.
I am dating a similar acting man and will give myself the same advice. ;-) I am just 10 years older and wondered why I haven’t learned from my experiences, yet….Nat
He asked for sex via text and you “reciprocated”??!! What were you thinking? this is normal? you send him a clear signal that you can be treated without respect.
You allowed behaviour that you should not have allowed. So he will continue in the same manner. Disappear and reappear. Why? Because he knows you allowed this before so you will allow it again.
What everyone is saying is true. He is not into you. But you are being blind and selling yourself very short.
You don’t need to start a 30 day no contact. You need to end this completely. You can find someone who would treat you better. Who will not disappear in the first place.
Crisula
I’m with Nat
Besides, you do NC when YOU want to.. when YOU’VE had enough
WHy would you ask if you should wait until after he calls you?
I feel you are doing NC not for yourself…but to control and punish HIM into missing you
Guess what? It might work….but it doesn’t work for very long, and he’ll be back to his disappearing acts
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