No Spark but still wants to date.. HELP!!

You should start your own thread Charline.

If you feel he’s stringing you along, then he’s stringing you along. He wants you there as his security blanket while he looks for someone “better”. (I put that in quotes because you are just fine the way you are, it’s not about being better or worse.) But you’ve accepted that role based on your own actions. And you can guarantee he’s looking for someone “better” while you are playing this role for him.

End it, block him everywhere and pour your misery into a hobby, friends, family, another man… anything BUT him.

Charlie,

I’m in the exact same situation atm… I’ve been with a “emotionally unavailable” dude for 1.5 yrs, 1st 6 months was all nice dates and all then when covid hit it turns haywire. We took a 2 months break last july and got back together in october, he initially said he doesnt feel anything no love, no spark but we just kept going on date seeing each other, kept visit each other houses and attended family event. So there was effort and alot of trying and understanding. Flash forward until now, I’ve basically told him I’m sick of being stung along coz this is toxic and he cant figure out what he wants. He still says to me he likes you in all aspect but dont bave the spark or feel anything or any love involved.

I am sitting here wondering if my efforts have been wasted. But part of me still want to keep trying, coz I dont want to regret what we’ve built, if you see redeeming points stick around but I’ve learnt to focus on myself a bit more and tried to put myself 1st. Ita so hard to do than said tbh.

Carmen, when you know a man is long-term emotionally unavailable, leave. You didn’t cause his lack of availability, so you cannot fix it. It has nothing to do with you and is not a reflection on you unless you stick around tolerating it, and hoping it will change. You won’t miss out on him magically waking up available one day or another woman getting the best of him because that’s not how it works… it’s a long, difficult process with a lot of work and pain and focusing on healing within yourself to fix emotionally availability within yourself. That means dragging any partners you’re with before you’re ready to do that work through the mud, even if it’s not on purpose. And if someone is comfortable enough, and being unavailable feels less painful than doing the work, they won’t see a reason to change anyway. As Queenie said, getting that attention from you won’t change him or the things he’s said, but he’ll sure like continuing to get it! I’ve been in these situations too and they never went anywhere good. I’ve only regretted staying longer in each one, never regretted leaving what we “built.”

You’ve learned something about yourself and what you want, and about what happens with on-off unavailable men from this situation. You will waste time if you stay, so take what you learned and put it to good use by continuing to focus on yourself and eventually recognizing what an available and interested man looks like instead! You’ll be much happier and giving yourself space to meet someone committed if you leave this situationship. Don’t worry about the “sunk cost” of the time you’ve already invested or you’ll just sink more and more into a situation that doesn’t make you happy but won’t change either because it’s not about you. Don’t leave the power in his emotionally unhealthy court by stringing yourself along. You deserve better!

This is an old thread so if you’re looking for more answers you can start a new one, too!