Non-Traditional Relationship

I’m in my early 40s and haven’t dated in 10 years because I have trust issues. My last relationship was a verbally and emotionally abusive one and he cheated on me then left me for her. In the same year, my father (who I was very close with) cheated on my mother and left her for another woman. Both of those things shook me to my core and I haven’t been able to fully trust anyone since. I am in counseling and doing my best to work through these issues.

For the last 10 years I’ve had no interest in dating or relationships. Never even went on 1 date in that time. Several months ago, I met a man 10 years younger than me, Ryan. And we clicked. I initially thought we’d just be friends, but he made it clear he was very interested in being more than friends. He was just coming off of his own toxic relationship, so we decided it would be best to be friends and let things progress naturally. Well, the natural progression was much faster than either of us anticipated it would be. My family and friends are concerned we’re moving too fast, especially since it’s been 10 years since I last dated. But I am truly happy. I haven’t felt this comfortable and at ease with a man ever. It’s just fun and easy. I wouldn’t say I’m in love. I don’t know if that’s a possibility for me since I can’t fully trust anyone and have this worry that all men cheat at some point in their lives.

Because of my trust issues, I don’t want to get married. Ever. I have no desire for that. I’ve lived on my own for the last 20 years and like it that way. I don’t want someone in my house and sleeping in my bed. My ideal relationship (if you can call it that) would be what I’m doing now (dating exclusively, but never marrying or moving in together. He can sleep over occasionally, but not all the time). I’ve shared this with Ryan and he shared his feelings about relationships with me as well.

He told me that he loves hanging out with me and cares deeply for me, but that he isn’t in love with me. Which is fine since I’m not in love with him either. He said he thinks I’m “hot, sexy, fun, and amazing,” but wanted to be upfront about his feelings or lack of. Right now, we are seeing each other almost daily, he watches my pets for me when I’m out of town or working late, we are like best friends, we can talk about everything and anything, we have a blast together and make each other laugh harder than we’ve laughed in a really long time. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss, have sex, and we both care deeply for each other and would never want the other to get hurt. He is very loving and affectionate with me. Always putting his arms around me, touching my leg, rubbing my back, opens doors, pulls out chairs, encourages me, the whole 9 yards. He said he would love to keep doing what we’re doing until “one of us dies.” But he also said he believes in polyamory (only having sex without a condom with one person, use condoms with others). But he’s not currently seeing or sleeping with anyone other than me. And I believe him. He’s been open and honest with me since day 1, even about the hard stuff.

I was open and honest with him too and told him I don’t believe in polyamory and that any relationship I would be in would have to be monogamous. He said that he would be open to trying a monogamous relationship with me in the future (he’s had monogamous relationships before).

When we’re ready, ideally, I’d like to try a monogamous relationship with him but knowing that we’d never progress to living together or marriage until “one of us dies” as he said. Is it completely crazy to think this non-traditional relationship might actually work?