Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Normal dating behaviour or losing interest?
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Tallspicy.
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Amanda
Hi guys, so last July I went on a boat trip with two good friends of mine and a few other friends of theirs. And that is how I met this great guy (my friends all vouch for him and I know he isn’t dating other women ;)). We were immediately drawn to each other and had a great time on the boat, and have been dating ever since. And by ‘dating’ in this situation I mean that we are in contact on a daily basis but in the past 2,5 months only got together 5 times, mostly due to him being a sailor (he works at sea on and off for a week), him going on a 3 week holiday inbetween, and the fact that we live in different cities (like 1,5 hr apart).
In the beginning, he was initiating everything, making plans well in advance. And even during his 3 week holiday trip he kept in touch every day. Actually, there hasn’t a day gone by that I didn’t hear something from him. Untill today…
A little recap of the past weeks: on our 4th date, I ‘accidentally’ met his mother (with whom he has a very good bond). I stayed over at his place, and the next morning he mentioned that she would drop by early afternoon but didn’t mention a time. He also wasn’t trying to get me out of the house or anything. I just got up and showered at one point, and then his mum arrived… I was a bit freaked out about it I must say, but she was very nice and chatty. He didn’t introduce me or anything, but she also didn’t look too surprised I guess… I still have no idea what was going through his mind though, we never really talked about it. I only asked him if it bothered him that I was still there when his mum arrived and he quite casually said “no”. But he must have felt that I was a bit overwhelmed by it.
After that, his started to text a bit differently, he would still be in contact daily and was also the first to text after the date, but he changed the kiss emojis for ordinary smileys so to say ;). And didn’t try to set up a new date or anything, but did hint to future activities like ‘We should go camping some time’ and stuff. So I thought maybe he wanted to give me some space after meeting his mum like that, and I felt confident enough to ask him out this time myself.
He said he would like that and we set a date, and he even called me the night before (just coming home from a weekend trip with friends) to chat and to make a plan for the day after. And then the next day he canceled on me because he was just too tired. He did say ‘let’s reschedule’ but again didn’t set a date. So I initiated it again, saying like ‘should we get together again?’ and he was again keen to meet up. So he came over last Saturday, through the rain on his motor bike!, and we had such an amazing time! I expressed that several times myself. He is pretty hard to read but I am sure he had a great time too. When leaving he said something like ‘see you next time, would be great to hang out again’. But again didn’t indicate ‘when’.
I was really tempted to have ‘the talk’ with him at that point, just to know what his intentions are, but I am afraid its too soon… I mean, although I’ve known him for 2,5 months now we didn’t spend that much time together yet, so I don’t wanna seem too eager.
But like I said before, today is the first day without a text from him… and now I am freaking out. I am reading way too much into it? Is this normal behaviour in this stage of dating? Or is he losing interest? Shouldn’t I have mentioned that I was having a good time, was I coming on too strong? I read about ‘clues’ that show his intentions and I barely see a red flag, but still.. It would be such a pity if this would fade out…
What should I do?!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
X Amanda
Chlo
Personally, I do not think you came on too strong. If you had a fun date you should be able to express that.
However, I do feel you’re overthinking a lot of things. You’re reading into his texting style too much and all your anxieties seem a bit needy. Do not have “the talk” with him I feel that could show your neediness and potentially push him away. It’s only been a day he hasn’t messaged and not one week so relax and do something to take your mind off him.
Enjoy the time you spend with him and go with the flow. Don’t think about it fading out x
Newbie
Your friends can vouch all day long but most of the time its meaningless. I think this guy is not that interested. And flaking. A dtr talk when things are fading away is really the worst moment to pick. Just read the signs and interpret them. Back off too. I think this will fizzle out but all in all seeing the distance and his profession this wasnt ideal to begin with. His last words Lets hang out soon are not the words of a guy falling for you. So red flags are those words, he cancelled a few times. Stop initiating dates! Its not sexy and it makes it harder to gauge his interest. Do the exact opposite: be busy and surprised when he calls
Tallspicy
Honey, tough love time! Do not have a dtr as he already has by not taking it further or escalating it. His actions tell you not to be attached. Why are you asking out a man who is not your boyfriend and is becoming less consistent? You only initiate with men who earn it by being consistent and leaving no question in your mind of where you stand. Men who want to be your boyfriend act like it, usually at 6-12 weeks, 12 being latest. He is not. He is not making it clear, he is cancelling and he is not making you a priority. Texting you daily with No plans means you are a text buddy and convenient. Nothing more.
Never again ask out a man who has stopped asking you out, and lose the phone number of a man who cancels and does not do anything to make it up to you and reschedule.
You need to take a leap back, let him do the work.
Lane
Agree with others. BTW my partner is retired Navy and goes out to sea for months at a time. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and the ONLY time he hasn’t called or texted is when the satellite on his ship was out. When it came back I had 10+ plus texts flooding my phone the moment we connected again. He calls and texts me daily without me 90% of the time because I’m busy and don’t have the desire to do so—its been this way since we met.
If a guy wants to be with me, then HE has to do the hard work to not only get me but keep me. I am NOT the man (giver), I am the woman (receiver), whereas, the woman sits back and sees how much the man wants to be with her. If he doesn’t…bye bye!
cupcake
I agree with the others. I don‘t think he sees this as something serious. Sounds more like he s just having fun and wanting to keep things casual at the moment.
That would also explain why he wasn‘t too bothered for you to meet his mum or introduce you properly. She wasn‘t too surprised bc she is probably used to her son having various girls over *shrug*
I would step right back and let him do all the initiating. I also wouldn‘t put my hopes up for this to develop into anything serious and just enjoy it for what it is.
Amanda
Thanks guys for your feedback, I appreciate it! is good to have a reality check. I did hear from him in the meantime, he just texted me like ‘business as usual’. Asking me how I was doing, how the concert was were I was at Sunday night, and told me how he has been busy decorating his house and what he has been doing (He recently moved). I didn’t text him back yet… should I also text him back like ‘nothing is wrong’? Or…?
Also to answer to your individual comments shortly;
@Chlo: thanks for your kind words, yeah I am really spiraling here, not sure why. I am absolutely not known to be a clingy person, quite the opposite. In my last longterm relationship (8 yrs) it took me half a year to finally ‘give in’. I mostly have issues with commitment myself, but in this case I am on the other side and it freaks me out immediately because I really like him.
@Newbie: yeah I agree his profession doesn’t make him an ideal candidate, but I am very used to doing my own thing so that doesn’t bother me so much. The ‘lets hang out soon’ indeed did bother me… you are right, that doesn’t sound like a guy that is falling for me…
@tallspice: yeah I know it’s been almost 12 weeks and that feels like a long time, but we only saw each other 5 times. He did really make me a priority up until a few weeks ago… and yes he canceled once, and sincerely apologized for that again the day after. Back then I thought that maybe he thought I was not into it anymore, and that was why he was reluctant to propose an actual date… But the fact is, he is really giving off the impression of slowly pulling away, like you said…
@cupcake: I also thought about that, but he isn’t having various girls over, meeting his mum. He actually just moved back to the country after having been away for 4 years, and is very close to his mum, they share like everything as far as I can tell. She also knew he was meeting me last weekend, because she asked him to text her when he got safely at my place (because of bad weather). Don’t know if that changes anything about my encounter with her though…
@Lane: Yeah I get what you are saying. But I must say I am a bit sceptical about such strong male/female rolls though. I myself am a bit ‘masculine’ in the sense that I am very independent and like to ‘do my own thing’ and this guy is actually a bit more ‘female’ in the sense that he is super caring and thoughtful.
In the meantime I took your advice of backing off and already arranged a weekend getaway with friends coming weekend to take my mind of things. And then he texted me..
Curious what you think should be my next step? I still think he is a good guy so I would really like for us to have a chance…
X Amanda
Newbie
You really have to stop initiating hang outs and make space for him to ask you out on proper dates. And the best way to proceed is not to overinvest. I think that the most common mistake made by women, they stray far ahead of the cavallery. I understand what you are saying about male energy but when it comes to dating it doesnt work very well. You are witnessing that already when he cancelled. It does work when you know a man better.
When it comes to now, Yeah you can text him back. Also dont initiate if you can help it. Good for you you planned a weekend away.Tallspicy
Respond to him warmly and receptively. Do not drive towards seeing him or keeping the conversation going. Let him do that. Men can keep you around for a long time as companions with no intention of more.
Have you asked him what he is looking for or told him what you are? If not, ask him on the next date. You should always do that at around 3-4th date anyhow.
Tallspicy
Oh, and why did you stay the night? Stop giving girlfriend privileges to men who are not boyfriends. Did you have sex with him without commitment?
Amanda
Hi! Ok so I finally just texted him back, basically only responding to his texts in a warm and fun way. Let’s see what happens next. I will for sure not initiate a date again now, ball is in his corner. Hope he picks it up though :(
@tallspicy: no I didnt ask him yet what he was looking for, nor did I told him what I am Looking fore in this situation, because I simply didn’t know yet myself… but last weekend really sparked my feelings for him, so now I am dying to know haha. I wanted to bring it up last Saturday but it didn’t feel like the right moment, and in hinesite that was probably for the best. But I for sure have to bring it up during the next date, if he ever askes me out again … and yeah I did sleep with him on the 4th date, because I know he is not sleeping or seeing someone else, neither am I, so I didn’t see anything wrong with that personally…
Tallspicy
How do you know he is not seeing or sleeping with other people?
Tallspicy
Your interest went up after sex because you are now hormonally bonded to him.
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