Not ready for relationship?

I predict the consensus you will get on this forum is to move on. And that if man says that to you what he really means is – he’s not ready for a relationship with YOU. And I must say I believe in A LOT of instances that is true. But I do not believe it is true for all. I have two friends who had the emotional confidence as well as positive emotional energy to prioritize themselves while their dudes figured it out. They are both now in long term, years long, committed relationships with no waffling since the early days.

But there is A LOT to consider here. Such as how long have you been dating? Does he treat you like an option and want to date others? Does he include you in his life? Does he talk about a future? Does he have what you would consider legitimate reasons he’s concerned to lose his freedom? Where are you in your life and do you have the confidence, time and patience to give something just a CHANCE that has odds much lower than if a man locked you down?

If you are considering continuing to see someone after they’ve said those words to you – the details matter. Because dependent on how he’s acting and dependent on what’s really going on with him can more likely predict the outcome. But what matters MOST is if you can continue with someone and entangle your heart and not let your self esteem get mangled jn the process. I would also recommended seeing other people or at least being open to it. Even during a pandemic there are plenty of guys that are practicing social distancing and having that distraction can help you not put all your energies into a man not on the same page.

I actually just broke up with someone who I was dating over 4 months. He texted and called me every day. We were exclusive and saw each other 2-3 times a week. But I felt the relationship wasn’t growing. He said we were in a relationship but I felt he wasn’t emotionally there. That’s my point. Just because someone says you are together doesn’t mean you are. Just because someone says they’re scared doesn’t mean that if you give them a little time they may come around.

Dating is already a risk of your heart, self esteem and mental health. Sticking around for someone who isn’t treating you like a priority if you’re really falling for them – is even more so. I would get quiet with you. Don’t talk to him for a time. Journal. Mediate. I personally think no man is worth waiting for. But I have two friends who are sincerely happy. Life is messy. Relationships more so. Follow your heart.

Thanks so much for sharing those stories.

In my case, we aren’t part of each other’s normal lives and we don’t really talk about the future in terms of relationship milestones, such as marriage, moving in, or those things. But we vaguely talk about doing activities or things we’re excited for in weeks or months, him moreso than me, that I feel like we wouldn’t say if we didn’t think we’d still be seeing each other then. I wouldn’t be able to say for sure if I’m an option, but at least I think we enjoy spending time with each other, and we mostly have fun conversations but sometimes talk about personal things too. He sometimes checks in about things he remembers from our conversations, like asking about how something from work is going. We’re only seeing each other during the pandemic but we weren’t explicitly exclusive beforehand.

Outside of this, I’m very fortunate to be in a very good spot professionally and with other things. It almost makes me feel like I can handle the drain of this no matter what happens.

Thanks for your input.

Would it be best to just end things now, and if so how should I phrase this? Or maybe ask if he’s open to this eventually going further or not open to that?

“I was recently told this, he gave a reason and has offered to discuss it more.”

Well what was his reason? I think that would determine whether or not I was willing to have a further discussion about it.

That definitely makes it a harder situation. You don’t want to be a rebound if he’s still healing from a serious 6 year relationship. And if he’s not integrating you into his life it seems his actions match his words…that he’s not ready for a relationship. It also sounds like the only reason you may even be exclusive is due to the pandemic. If I had everything else together in my life and was looking for a serious relationship I would probably start looking for another guy if I were you.

But to tell you the truth when I met my husband I was just a year from my divorce after a 20+ year marriage. I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious and he told me the same. We dated a few months, broke up and dated others and got back together a little under a year later, went on to date for a couple years and get married. So I’m a firm believer in if things are meant to be they will happen!!

NM, you’re trying too hard to control this. You’re angling to hedge your bets and keep seeing him while ensuring you don’t get hurt or you have your time wasted.

That’s impossible.

This guy told you he isn’t ready and he’s 10 months down the line from the break-up. He can’t possibly give you some kind of time estimate. Human emotions don’t work like that, they are not neat and tidy and predictable and manageable. As you know because like so many other women you were just having fun with him until you realized you were catching feelings.

Tell him you appreciate his honesty and where he is. Right now you’re interested in meeting someone who’s clear to move forward and that’s just not him at this time.

Like I said before, tell him it’s best if you go into “keep in touch” mode until he feels more healed and ready to have a new love.

You have to trust if this is meant to be, it will be at the right time in the future. You’re risking a lot by hanging around him after he’s clearly told you he’s not ready.