Not sure what to do

Having a pen pal is nice, but if you want a real boyfriend step away from Mr. Wasting my time who lives MILES away & find a guy closer…

That’s the thing, I honestly don’t know. His job requires him to travel 3 weeks out of a month, he’s usually home on the weekend and one full week. I’m at a crossroad in my life where I would love to move but realistically I don’t know if I’d be able to. We both want long term relationships but we have said keep it to a friendship but the attraction is still. The flirty comments and what not always sneak back in. He tries to keep it platonic but will say things about all the things we should do together and how could we would be together so he confuses. I guess we both want more but don’t know how that would happen. And I don’t want to get in deeper with him.
I actually just got back from a coffee date with an another guy and felt absolutely zero attraction and the conversation was just painful. And I don’t want to compare him to my long distance friend, but it was night and day. I’m torn. I want more but my head knows all the things you said above. I want to push for the video call to even see if there is anything there, but I’m scared to lose his friendship. I’ve never had conversations with a guy like this before. Just completely honest and vulnerable. We can tell each other anything. It’s like what are the chances we would match the one weekend he was in my town and find what feels like a long lost friend?

Based on that information, I would let this go then.

Someone only home one full week a month is not currently available to build a serious relationship with someone new, no matter what they say they want. Especially since he’s long distance with you to begin with. There’s no room for anything real when work takes priority right now, but he’s probably lonely which is why he’s keen on lots of phone conversations and fantasy future ideas that don’t require any real commitment. And why he’s saying you’re just friends, despite you hoping the flirting means it’s more. Men don’t fall in love over text, though.

It’s easy to get carried away with an idea like this when you’re not sure what you want or what’s next for you in life. If you attach more meaning to how you met than necessary, then it can give you a false sense of direction, like something is being chosen for you by fate so that you don’t actually need to sort through what you want and decide for yourself. I think your attachment to him is more about that, since it’s less scary and more fun to be distracted by a connection with a new guy than it is to have to make big decisions for yourself. I wouldn’t compare him to one bad date, that means nothing… you’ll click with some and not others.

Listen to your gut feeling that this leads to heartbreak, and figure out what you want in next in life and whether or not you’re truly emotionally available right now yourself.

I guess this is the answer I didn’t want but know makes sense. It is easier to live in this fantasy than to really have to face this is probably a dead end. I guess I don’t know how I’m going to pull back. I definitely don’t want to lose him entirely. I’m an anxious attached to start with so the whole situation has been making me super anxious. I don’t want to close the door with him but I also want to keep my options open to other guys. I would want to keep dating even if he was in my town. I’m single until exclusive with someone and that’s always been hard for me to juggle. How do you stop yourself from getting wrapped up in situations like this and just enjoy it for what it Is, without attaching any outcome to it but still hoping for one and wanting to build that connection?

“How do you stop yourself from getting wrapped up in situations like this and just enjoy it for what it Is, without attaching any outcome to it but still hoping for one and wanting to build that connection?”

AngieBaby is right. And the specific reason this is impossible is because you’re looking for one thing but trying to accept something that isn’t what you want (and this mismatch signals you have some unavailability issues yourself).

When you truly want a long-term relationship, the trick isn’t to enjoy something in the moment and not attach outcomes. That’s not actually being present and available, it’s doing mental gymnastics to explain away not walking away from someone who doesn’t want a fully committed relationship. (Therapy helps because you likely learned to do this from some adults around you when you were a kid.)

The trick is to instead look for someone who is in the same life stage as you and wants the same type of relationship as you do from the start! Timing and availability in life is just as important as feeling a spark. It’s okay to want a relationship, and to say that without playing games. Then as you get to know each other over a couple or a few months, you see if you’re a good fit for each other and like each other enough to pursue that relationship commitment with each other.

You should never need to convince someone to want to be in a relationship while “not attaching outcomes.” You instead know through both their words and actions that they’re open to building one with the right person and then work on building trust and a connection while gauging compatibility. If you’re trying to make yourself the “right” person by bending yourself into a pretzel and doing gymnastics, and hoping and wishing, you’re actually just not compatible and that guy can’t meet your needs. And your needs are important! But you need to figure out what your needs are in the first place to be truly open to finding and only accepting what you’re looking for, and nothing less. A good therapist helps you get comfortable with that, too.

We talked last night and I feel things have shifted. I feel he’s pulling back and I guess in his own way, trying not to hurt me but right now I don’t want to put him on a pedestal. I am hurt. I just need to get this out. I am hurt. I by chance checked his profile this morning and he’s updated it. So while I am sitting here, pining away for him, he’s moving on, doing what I should have been doing instead of getting wrapped up with the thought of him. Hanging on a hope. Just sitting here crying, with a physical pain in my chest. I feel betrayed. And I know that’s all on me because I guess I created this in my head and made it more than I thought it was. But I thought I mattered to him. I guess I was just a pass time while he was killing time in his hotel rooms and airports. I really thought he was different, that I could trust him and believe him and I was a fool all along. I had asked him if he wanted to video chat and his one word answer was “sure” . No like “yeah let’s do it or when can we do it”. So incredibly hurt. I guess I have no right to be hurt, he didn’t promise anything. Mad at myself that I’m so stupid and fell for it. Let myself get caught up once again.

I’m sorry @Micaela that you are hurting & glad that you’ve seen what you need to see & can put it into words.

Don’t fall for a screen with words on it… Look for a real guy.

I think one of the responders above talked about (your) emotional unavailability… Please check that out.

You feel betrayed because you are repeatedly betraying yourself. You are abandoning yourself every time you latch on to a total stranger and think you’re going to find love, acceptance and approval from a man when you’re the one who needs to love, accept and approve of yourself.

Great advice, Raven!