Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Not understanding my own situation
- This topic has 21 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Amber
Me and this guy I’m seeing are exclusive since we don’t like to see multiple people at once. We’re in the same group of friends but never seen each other until this year. We mainly talk a lot through text since he would msg me everyday. We been on about 3 dates so far and the date happen roughly every 2 weeks since his really busy with his work. He once asked me how often I would like to go out and I would tell him I prefer every week if possible but understand his busy schedule so for now every 2 weeks is fine. He was really happy with the answer and said if it was back then he would of had to go out twice a week, his glad I’m not needy.
I do want to meet in person more but trying to be understanding as well. Since he does text me everyday and call me at night so I didn’t want to put more pressure on him. However, I notice our conversation at night started to shorten, it’s like he run out of things to talk about or he would talk to me while doing something else. All he talk about when he msg is about his new pet, it’s the main conversation we have nearly everyday.
My friend told me to go easy on him and don’t get upset that we don’t go on dates often since his busy with work. She told me that he is trying though since he hasn’t been able to see his friends cause of how busy he is but still made time to see me even though it’s only every 2 weeks.
I’m not sure why but I still don’t feel like he is trying. I know his busy but so am I, but I still manage to make time for him and want to see him. I just don’t understand whether his loosing interest so he stop trying or am I overthinking this.
tammy
wo why did you tell him that your fine with meeting just twice a month when your not?
Amber
I know he has a really busy schedule right now and he said things will ease up in a month time. I don’t want to be pushy when we only getting to know each other.
Amber
Let me add…
He also the first guy I have dated since my ex which was about 4yrs ago. Me and my ex was already friends so we went straight to offical, so this guy that I’m dating now will be the first stranger that I am seeing. I have been busy focusing on myself and my career so haven’t really met anyone. Im not really sure how often you suppose to see each other when you’re dating so when he suggested every 2 weeks I just assume that’s ok. My friend also told me that since me and him are both busy, taking things slow like seeing each other every 2 weeks is fine.
Ewa
you should aim for at least once a week to start with, whether it is a weekday date or weekend doesn’t matter.
don’t initiate though, let him lead for now.
Depends how big the distance is between you or how busy you are you might see each other less, but like some others said on here if you are not comfortable with seeing him every 2 weeks then don’t. Date others in the meantime … at this stage you don’t need to plan your life around his plans/lifeEwa
I also wanted to add here that I was dating someone who couldn’t meet me because he was so busy apparently and he also said things will be less busy in a month/few months time, he was lying.
I ghosted him because I won’t be sitting at home waiting for a guy to find time for me and guess what he wasn’t busy to take other girls on dates, in fact I have seen him few times in town with other women..Liz Lemon
Seeing each other once a week is generally a good pace when you’re first dating. You need to see if you connect and develop a bond, to see if it’s worth continuing to date this person. If you don’t see each other often enough, it’s harder and takes longer to get a feel for whether you’re a good fit for each other.
I agree with the others, you should not have agreed to see him every 2 weeks if it’s not what you want. I would not be happy with that pace.
I don’t know what “busy schedule” means. He works weekends? He works every night? Does he have children? It’s hard for me to believe a guy can’t find time to see a woman he’s interested in more than once every 2 weeks. He eats dinner every night, he could meet you for dinner once a week. The first couple months I was dating my bf he had a stressful job with a lot of hours (50+ hours/week) and he has a child, so had to balance his parenting time with dating. He still took me out 1-2 times a week (he was only free to date every other weekend because of his child, so he made sure to take me out during the week when he couldn’t do it on a weekend).
You could be honest with him and say you’d like to see him more often, like once a week, and ask him how to make that happen. See how he responds. If he’s interested in you, he’ll make the effort. As for running out of things to say when you talk on the phone– if you saw each other in person and had dates, you’d have more to talk about. You don’t build a relationship and a bond over the phone, you do it by spending time together in person.
Maddie
You’ve posted about this guy before, right? That he’s using his new dog and work as excuses to go slow and keep you at a distance? Sounds like nothing has changed and you’re just getting more of the same, so if you’re not happy with what he’s giving you it’s likely better to move on. This is all he’s interested in giving to dating anyone right now, and it’s not a whole lot. Did he actually use the word “needy” and outright said he’s glad you’re not needy when you gave him leeway to only go on dates twice a month? Because that’s a HUGE red flag about how close a guy is willing to get. If you’re looking for a serious and healthy relationship, run away if a guy talks about neediness because he either doesn’t prioritize his romantic relationships or he has tons of baggage from exes / family members that he hasn’t dealt with. So disrespectful and manipulative to try to convince a woman that seeing each other more than every other week is “needy.”
Lane
Hi Amber. If this is only for a short bit I would cut him some slack as this is a very difficult, and trying period of time due to the pandemic.
Many areas are experiencing severe labor shortages; manufacturing is unable to produce; prices are rising, so there are a lot of economic, and personal challenges that will take time to sort out for quite awhile.
The problem you have is you already told him it was OK. This is one of the biggest pet peeves men have with woman, in that, they say one thing, then cry FOUL after they’ve had some time to think about it. If you don’t like it, stop dating him, as that is really your only recourse here at this point in time. If you want to give it a little more time, then do so but its natural for communication to die down after a bit, its part & parcel of any relationship, so you really shouldn’t expect a continuous high level all the time as that is not realistic, nor practical.
Up to you as its your life. Knowing the work challenges many are still facing, I would give it a bit more time since he is being consistent in communication, even if the communication is lagging a bit. Hopefully when you’re able to see each other more it will improve as that really is the best way to get to know each other better.
Rox
Hi Amber,
I would just move on. He’s not very “available” and you know it. You have to make yourself feel bad, in order for you not to impose on his time. Someone who wants to be with you, will not make you “back off” or wait indefinately. Perhaps, he doesn’t know it bothers you, but every guy knows how to give attention to someone they like/love. Stop texting, stop answering the phone at night from him.mama
I feel like this has been asked before. I remember the new pet issue…
mama
Maddie I just read your most current post on here and I agree 100%. (Glad to know I’m not the only one seeing the new pet thing and getting flashbacks)
Using the term needy means he’s wary (and he might have a very good reason, but it’s still maybe a yellow flag). He wants his own life and his dating life separate. You want more. That doesn’t sound like a good outcome.
tammy
i don’t think you can form any relationship when you guys meet just twice a month! very difficult. if i was in your place, instead of asking him and having that talk, i would simply start looking at meeting other men as well. doesn’t look as if this friendship/relationship is going to go very far. so branch out and start going on dates and meeting other men as well.
Amber
@Liz Lemon
His busy schedule is basically just full time work during the day and taking care of his dog after work and sometimes babysit his niece and nephew. He keep a schedule for the dog and would wake up at 2am just to take the dog out for toilet. He always have broken sleep so end up feeling tired all the time.I did said I would like to meet once a week but with your busy schedule I don’t think you’ll able to do that. He kinda ignore that msg and started talking about something else.
@Maddie
He did used the word “needy”. He said “oh, you’re not needy at all, that’s good”. He also said “back then (before his dog and new job) I would of say twice a week, but you’re good”. Since he was so happy with my answer I didn’t think much about it. Stupid me, I thought that maybe seeing how understanding I am he will try and make more effort to see me when he can.I can sense/feel that he doesn’t really prioritise relationship since he only see me when his schedule is free up or when he can fit me in. Doesn’t feel like he go out of his way to try and find time for me. He told me his only free on a Wednesday night and weekend but most weekend usually get fill up with family gathering. It just hard when his so sincere when he apologised for not seeing me as often as he would like to. I assume that he try to make it up for not seeing me in person by video calling me more and texting me everyday. Make me feel like he really like me and trying to make an effort. I understand that it’s not the same as seeing one another in person, that’s where the connection really build.
We’re exclusive so I can’t really see other men without feeling guilty. I would have to break it off with him before first. But I’m just not sure I have the courage to break it off.
Raven
WHY are you letting this guy waste your time?!
Amber
I’m not really sure why I’m sticking around. I guess he seem like a nice and honest guy, I want to believe he does want to see me more if he have more free time. I’m still very conflicted on what I want to do from here.
Lane
Amber, there’s an old saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” meaning, one should not concentrate all their efforts on one thing, or person, in this case, or you could lose everything. Its like those who put ALL their $$ in a bad investment, such as the stock market, and losing all of it when it crashes. If they had put it in many different investments (bonds, IRA, savings, CD’s, etc.) they would be in a much better position. Same concept.
When you are single, you need to act like the single person you are. This means you don’t concentrate on one guy until you are in an established relationship. You should still be talking, meeting, and dating others, so if one drops off, like this guy, you don’t have to keep starting over from scratch. Additionally, this puts you in a much better position to CHOSE the guy who is not only putting in the most effort but is consistently showing you what a great BF he would make if you chose him! That’s the position you want to be in when dating.
Do you want a great or mediocre BF? If you settle for crumbs then that’s all he’s going to give you because you accept low standard men. Only birds eat crumbs. Confident women do not. A confident woman only gives her time to those who are putting in a lot of effort to win her over—its catnip for men :o)
If I were you I would put him on the ‘back burner’ and start talking to, meeting, and getting to know other guys as you could miss out on the chance of meeting a great guy while being stuck with Mr. Mediocre.
Liz Lemon
He might be a nice guy, but you don’t have to stay with someone just because they’re nice. This guy does not consider you important enough to spend time with. He could very easily incorporate you into his schedule with his dog– taking the dog for walks together, eating dinner together. He could dedicate at least part of his weekend to you– he doesn’t have to spend his entire weekend with his family. Not if he wants a relationship.
And when you messaged him about spending more time together, he blew you off. So he’s not attentive to your needs.
There’s nothing to feel conflicted about, honestly. You’ve only been on 3 date with this guy in 6 weeks. You can just tell him it’s not working for you and you want to date other guys. Like Lane said, you could miss out on an opportunity with a great guy by wasting time with this situation.
Amber
I think I’m just really disappointed and sad how this turn out. It was hard for me to start dating and opening up my heart again. So part of me just feel a bit scare to end it.
But you’re right, I don’t want to settle for mediocre bf, I know I deserve better. He did make me feel unimportant. I thought I shouldn’t expect too much at the beginning cause his not my bf, but I only understand it now that at the beginning is when he suppose to show me what a great bf he can be, like you said, but he didn’t even try to.
Thank you, I really needed this push to face what actually happening and to see that he is not actually that interested in me or interested but doesn’t like me enough to try harder.
Ewa
Amber
I don’t know how you discussed being exclusive but after 3 dates I would not expect any guy to be exclusive with me and to be honest being exclusive these days is just a word. If I were you I would start dating others for sure.
I know you might be thinking this is good because he texting calling etc but men don’t fall in love like that , they need to spend time with you. He might be messaging other women at the same time.
I am sure in no time you will find someone better.Lane
Your new dating motto: If a man isn’t vying for the job of “great BF” from the get go, then you drop him like a hot skillet. Be a skillet :o)
Liz Lemon
I understand being disappointed. It’s good that you can be honest with yourself about the situation, though. You deserve better.
Try to take this as a learning experience. A guy should absolutely be trying to impress you when you first start dating– he may not be your boyfriend at that time, but if he *wants* to be your boyfriend, he will make you feel special.
When you’re dating a guy that’s right for you, it will feel effortless. You won’t feel neglected or unimportant or confused. (I’m not saying that relationships don’t take effort, because they do– I mean, when you first start dating a guy, if he’s right for you it will flow easily and you won’t feel a lot of confusion — that’s why they call the first months of dating the honeymoon period). He will certainly not prioritize his dog over you, if he’s the right guy.
-
AuthorPosts
