Nothing ever happens

Hi Violet :-)

If yo let him know you would like to see him again, then he knows your interested, but may not know HOW your interested, a friend or something more?!?

Although I’m of the let them contact me mindset to determine their interest level, not all guys are confident and fear rejection like women do. However, if a man says “lets do this again” when in your presence, then he was pretty confident you would say yes or he wouldn’t have asked. I agree that too many men say one thing but never follow through which is why I take their words with a grain of salt until they’ve proven themselves otherwise.

I would wait it out and see what he does. Men don’t take subtle hints well. Telling him you enjoy a link he sent you when you were with him isn’t a good move—anything that appears like chasing to a man can turn him off quick.

As to attracting men who don’t want sex—good luck. Men are biologically wired to have sex and its not something they can control, unless they have testosterone or other issues that inhibits it. Male friends have told me they can’t help it. Walking by a women, seeing a logo, picture or looking at a computer image can conjure up all kinds of sexual thoughts. This is why physical attraction plays a big role, whereas if you’re very attractive then more men will simply want to have sex with you.

Here’s the thing, men want to conquer a woman with sex and women want to conquer a man emotionally. Two sexes sparring off against each other and the winner ultimately sets the course. Dating is like a boxing match where both sides get bloodied until they eventually are matched against the right opponent and the woman wins him over.

Lane, I’m pretty sure Vi meant that she would like to attract men who don’t want sex ONLY – men who are interested in sex AND a relationship.

Vi, I think they want you for sex because:

1. You’re attractive.

2. The ones you meet are not looking for a relationship.

The signals you send out may play a part in it. I suggest you change your approach a bit – be more open/flirty etc. – and see what happens.

If you’re really interested in the link guy, then encourage him a little – send him a text with something short and neutral.

That said, when you meet someone who’s really interested in, and right for, and compatible with you, then things will be easy and naturally fall into place.

Hi girls,

Thanks for the encouragement! I was having a black moment when I posted. Things always look better in the morning :)

Lane and Harley, I agree… I’ll leave it. I actually know he’ll get in touch sooner or later.

Maria, thank you <3 You’re right about being more flirty – I’ve definitely become aware of this recently since a male friend told me I needed to “Embrace my sexual energy”..! I’ve always been afraid to do this, but he’s right. I’ve let go a lot, and it feels nice to interact without such a fearful mindset.

I think what is triggering me with this guy… is that this is the point that I need to change. Basically, since I posted last, my old guy (infamous S) asked me to get back with him two times. I ignored him both times, and then I bumped into him at the studio; saying hello nicely but didn’t talk, and he sent me a grovelly “I’m so sorry for how I treated you ” message. Last week out of the blue he asked me to meet him “to catch up”, and I thought “what the hey”. So I said alright, and then he started his usual trick of taking 25 hours to reply to a message. I immediately enforced a boundary – said that I wasn’t going to meet him if he left me hanging for replies. He agreed, and we started to arrange a meeting and then… he didn’t reply to me for 2.5 days!!! Thank you S, for confirming everything I knew about you… At this point I’m totally over him, and I deleted his number.

Now, the thing is… I had to give S so much encouragement at the start. Basically had to coax him into the relationship. And his behaviour never measured up. It seems he can’t help himself… he’s just wishy washy. And for some reason I keep being drawn to these kinds of wishy washy men… this guy I met recently is probably just like him. So yeah… I need to have more confidence in myself and let the guys lead, as a means of screening. But I can’t let go of the fact that my love life is barren… and it shouldn’t be. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me to meet… anyone.

You’re so right Maria. Thank you. I just compare myself to other people who get out there and constantly date or have flings, and feel like I should be doing the same…

But the reality is, that I’m kind of happy being a loner. I like my own time, my own space. I’ve been very popular in the past, but honestly I prefer having a few close friends, teaching yoga, being creative, travelling. A more simple life, with probably not that many connections… just a few important ones. It makes sense that my love life would be the same. It’s just hard to accept sometimes. It’s that struggle with the ego! Measuring myself against other people’s lives, and thinking that my differences mean that I’m weird or defunct in some way.

Vi and Penny

The differences don’t mean you’re weird or defunct. They mean you’re special and unique.

Stop comparing yourselves to other people and don’t ever let them judge you.

I’ve said it before and I say it again – you’re YOU and other people’s approval is NOT needed in that matter. The ONLY thing that matters is that YOU are happy with your life/how you choose to live it.

Hi vi…penny. We ALL feel like you at times. I am outgoing flirty….can get a y man I want….confident…not cocky. But like Maria. ..am picky..need a spark..A connection. Hence these days I do t date or have sex much….and it can feel crap and lonely at times. Then…I console myself with the fact I want a price. ..not another asshole ! Had you got over S, Vi. He sou d’s like he was already messing you around again.stay strong.love hits you unexpected. I had this great guy in Germany. ..but he didn’t want more. Boohoohoo. But…I’ll keep looking !

Maria, I’ve gradually filtered out all the people in my life who judge me… all the judgement and expectation comes from me. Self acceptance is really big for me atm. Maria, it occurred to me before that you’re always on here sharing wisdom and advice, but of all the ladies, I know very little about you! What part of the world are you in?

Harl, Truth be told… Until two weeks ago, I still wasn’t over him. I was still thinking about how good it felt to be with him, how great it was to talk to him. I still missed him. But now… I finally realise how pathetic he is. Yes, he was already messing me around again. After chasing me for so many months, grovelling, asking me back; he gets a chance and totally disrespects my boundaries.. before we even meet! It makes me realise that he never actually cared about me. It was all about *him* – his ego, his need for validation. As soon as I agree to meet him, he loses interest again. But you can bet if I sent him an angry message he’d reply within five minutes. The only thing he responds to is low vibe emotions.

Feeling lonely sucks though.

I’m in Europe Vi. Sweden to be exact. I’ve lived in several other countries though… And you’re in… London?

As for self acceptance, it’s the only acceptance that really matters, and truth be told the only person you always can rely on is yourself, so for both those reasons, be nice to you…

I am Swedish (so I’m “home” right now)…

How do I behave when I get asked out?

I’m probably not the right person to answer that cause I don’t behave like most people. As said I’m very picky and don’t bother with a guy if it doesn’t feel totally right… which means that I say “no, thank you” 9 times of 10 when I get asked out (I am very polite though and say it in a light, positive and nice way).

And the 1 of 10 times I say yes, I just say “yes, I would like that very much” in a light, positive and flirty way.

Harley… hmm… it seems you didn’t encourage the poor German in any way… and his ex wife is probably a bit of an obstacle… yet, you were friends before this happened… can’t you just message him something and see what happens/how he responds?

Hi Vi.. re my German agree with what you said. Not sure WHAT my gut is saying right now… I also knew him yrs ago and he’s a ncie guy, also a bit shy at times… as usual time will tell. Whilst I DO agree with a guy who wants you treating you like a queen.. sometimes I think a girl HAS to give SOME encouragement. Some guys are really shy, insecure, not sure WHERE they stand with a woman they really like.

M chased me for months yrs ago.. but I never noticed. THEN.. he gave up.. THAT was when I realsied and I had to let him know how I felt. Drink was involved, the truth came out and all was perfect for near 2 yrs !

Yes. .German knows where I am… I am NOT chasing. Maybe it shall all just be a very beautiful memory. Everything was sooo beautifylly simple with him and no drama, or wondering, or second guessing, analysing. i just let myself completely go and lived in the moment. Trusted in him , in romance. Even now.. I am not upset like I was ove M.. I just have faith and truat in it all. I am tryly happy as a pig in shite… just would like another few rides and more with him .ha ha ha.

And yes. I HAVE come a LONG way from a few mths ago. It’s almost been 8 mths since the whole fiasco with M started.

YOU.. have come a long way too. Perhaps a few more inhibitions need to be broken down .. or.. for YOU to trust someone again.

Harley, to be honest, I think he meant at least some of what he said but:

1. It came out a bit over the top because he was drunk.

2. It was probably a fantasy (yes, men have fantasies too) more than reality – what he would WANT, but in reality can’t have because of his life situation (with his ex wife etc).

Then when you said no to all the things he “offered”, and ended it with “we’ll always be friends”, you kind of killed his fantasy…

Right now, he needs space and a pause… he’s probably thinking about you though…

I think the group message is a good idea. His response will tell you how he feels, and if you should move on or see him again.

Will be messaging him BEFORE group message, for his birthday… a private message now I think.. not a timeline post.

Thinking of saying ” I hope you have a very happy birthdy. greetings from the Emerald Isle. You’re looking hot and sexy as ever I bet.. I hope you get lots of presents and wishes come true ”

IS this.. TOO SUGGESTIVE AND OTT ( over the top) ???