Nothing ever happens

Yes.. I HAD thought of that. He is hardly EVER on Fb yet he’s on it all the time now and posted he’s going to an event this weekend and a rant about German taxes.. which I “liked”.

I wasn’t going to post group message until oct/nov…. when I have arrngements made with mate/flights booked to go back to Germany. I was going to say ” hi guys, me again. coming back to germany (dates) if you all free to meet up again. Am trying to contact Michel by phone, but will you let him know as well. looking orward to seeing you all ! I had a really good time last time”

Since his b/day is before that, I was going to private message.

Ok.. thanks. This guy stuff is a minefield !

Yes.. I read the article and thought I great.

Point no 1 : I used to ANALYISE ALL the time. DID with M.. now I let a LOT of things go.. distract myself and BELIEVe in the future.. better thing are aroudn the corner. if a guy wants me.. I’LL KNOW. I tend to stop the second guessing my own feelings now.

I also know.. point no 2…there’s NOTHING wrong with me, circumstances ( LDR) or guy not compatible, caused things notto work out.

Point 3 : Never knew a thing about boundaries, until I came to this forum.. now I DO. Am trying to set them better.. still a work in progress.. but HUGE improvements for me.

Point 4:I ALWAYS TRUST my decsisions and myself.. so NO doubts there. I’m a risk taker. nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Point 5 : Showing off, talking myself up.. I DO that a bit.. but not a lot. normally re my job. But , for instance I always feed homeless people on the streets/support charities. and hardly ANYONE knows that about me. I don’t broadcast it.

Point 6 : Accepting responsibility: I always did that.. but never KNEW I did it. Now i am more aware, I tend to take more responsibilty, accept criticism, see the opther persons’s point, admit wehn I’m wrong. Howeever.. I will ONLY go sooo far. .I do not accept/take on/THEIR responsibility, convincing myself it’s mine… a lot of womeen can do this I think… i.e abused women accept ALL the responsibilty sometimes.. “they drove him to do it ” blah blah blah ( sensitive subject.. sorry !)

Point 7 :I NOW take a relationship fot the way it is.. i.e the German. With M.. I tried to make it what I wanted it to be. Accepting it for what it IS.. is sooo liberating, less stressful, less drama. I LOVE IT !

Point 8 : I HAVE NEVER stayed in a bad relationship.. I TRY my UTMOST until I KNOW I am flogging a dead horse, can be true to myself, say I tried my best then I get out.

Point 9: I USED to seek reassurance.. NOW I don’t . I am more confident adn believe in myself. If a guy can’t see that, tough. I KNOW my self-value and worth, I don’t need a guy to tell me. The odd time now I get insecure, a friend perhaps oputs seed of doubt in my mind, I retreat for a litle bit ( mancave) THINK ABOUT THINGS, DECIDE i CAN BE NEGATIVE OR POSTIVE, DECIDE TO BE POSITIVE ADN BELIEVE MY OLD MANTRA ” TIME ALWAYS TELLS”. I have learned to be more patient… i KNOW a guy KNOWs if he likes you straight away but with modern day life and technology it now tkakes a guy a while to get his act together. i ddi not realsie the mancave thing, rubberband, and needing to process info.. and not as quick as us. So NOW.. wehn a guy doesn’t get in touch for ages.. it don’t bother me. I get on with my own life.

Point 10 : CHOOSING WISELY: STILL a work in progress for me as I am too trusting and wear my heart on my sleeve. I THINK.. guys are as honest as me.. I am fierce honest and direct( as we all know here. ha ha ha) But thabnks to all advice here… I AM weeding teh shit out and choosing more wisely. Like M… his standards in life are now a LOT lower than mine I think.. not motivated, not an achiever, no long tern=m goals he is working towards, no FUTURE .. whereas the German and I had LOTS in common that way .

So YES… SUPERB article for me. made me re-assess myself and where I am going in life.

BTW..********* My mate talked me into texting the German. Like you Maria.. she thought me too cold/unapproachable. I said ” Just sitting here at work with lots of work to do but not in the mood. thinking of you and the great time with you. Wish I was in Germany now !!! ” He saw the message shortly after… AND NO REPLY. SO.. perhaps he is thinking, busy, perhaps his silience says all. I am more than good. I am not looking at teh phone constantly. I am lettng it go and trusting in what will be , will be. If he don’t want me.. better I know now. Regretful as I wanted more, but not suffering rejection or anything. I know I’m his loss. I am handling it all 400% better than I did with M. It’s life. I took a chance, I gambled, I lost. On to the next guy !

Hi Vi.. lots of hugs. Yep.. you need to start believing in yourself more. NO MORE meetings with S.. not doing you any good. I rarely look back.. If I do.. it’s with bittersweet memories and what I have learned from it. I NEVER regret anything. Life is too short.

A positive mental attitude, physical wellness and confidence really DOES help. I have transformed myself the past few mths and surround myself with positive people/positive thoughts. Even my ex’s .. I refuse to see the bad in them. they are saddos that lost out on me.. but they have their own issues. I DO treasure and cherish myself now.

You will get there. Like myself you have come along in leaps and bounds the past few months. I think you need to mentally and physically distance yourself from S.. DON’T ALLOW hiim to get in on your thoughts and under your skin.

HE… just wasn’t good enough for you !

Well said Maria. I only ever beat myself up for a few minutes then say, ahh feck it. What will be, WILL be. Life IS too short. AND I love a lot lagirl says. People DO come into our life for a reason… we learn and experience through them.

IN THEORY: this article is great. I used to worry about all my men/new men/relationships, then after the Mike fiasco I read all here and could see the logic init. I started putting it into practice.. near the end of mike ( virtually) and with the German( in reality)..

IN PRACTICE :… with the German.. I AM CONFUSED ! I did all by the book, of this forum and the advice here. Whilst I was talking to him all night, I thought of forum… watch for red flags( just separated, wants a younger woman for more kids, wants another marriage), watch words match actions. etc etc etc. SO>>>> I decided to let everything develop naturally.. AND IT DID ! AS I already posted.. EVERYTHING was super easy ! I decided near end of night to sleep with him ( 1st action I did against MOST of forum’s advice.) I FELT a connection, I THOUGHT we had bonded emotionally. I figured we were compatible.. same values, aims, goals, a lot of likes in common but hobbies different too,.in bed I told him I really appreciated and respected him for looking after me sexually first. He appeared to enjoy sex. He voiced he liked things I did and things German girls did NOT do ! We laughed, talked and bloody well HAD FUN.

SO… how come he didn’t ask for a second date ????? BUT… I KNOW I brought my best self to the table so no point in over-thinking it. The attraction WAS there the beginning of the night, I guess he went home and had second thoughts.

SO.. am confused. The article worked in that I “hooked ” him for ONE night… but NOT for any other ! i guess I WAS fine until he texted about meeting up and then bailed… I had “gotten expectations ” with one text. BOOHOOHOO>

The article has brought results though, so when I KEEP putting it into practice…. I guess it WILL pay off someday. I will stay positive and surrender the outcome next time round.

You know what Harley? You are concentrating on the negatives. There are positives with the German. You had a magical, fun, night. You will probably always remember it. Take it for what it was. In that moment in time, you connected with someone, and it felt good…..so, when reality hit…he’s in another country. That is probably 99% of why it didn’t progress. LDRs just don’t EVER work from what I have seen.

So…..in the end, you had a magical, sexy, full-of-life moment. It’s good. It’s done, but it’s good. Kinda like eating a perfectly baked piece of pie. It tastes delicious, but you don’t want to puke it up and eat it again, right? You got to eat a perfectly baked piece of pie. Yum.

I guess…. I’m NOT used to getting my way. I wanted MORE of him. IF… things had run their course.. I’d be fine. But, it’s like I got HALF the bloody pie and I STILL want to gorge myself on the rest until I’m sooo full.. can’t have anymore.

I’ll just have to convince myself I’m on a diet and too much of a good thing is bad for me !

OOOH… the thoughts of eating ice cream off his 6 pack . NOT FAIR ! BOOHOOHOO !

Harley… from what I can see, you assessed him too quickly. Men (and people in general) only reveal themselves and their intentions over periods of time. Also, it sounds like you spotted red flags, but went for it anyway…

Thanks for the kind words… I know he wasn’t the right person, and I know I need to keep away from him. He’s toxic to me. In a weird way though… I feel this is all part of learning to love myself. Getting to a point where I could really enforce a boundary. It was extremely painful to do it… But I know it will make me stronger.

Maria, it was a BIG help, as your advice always is <3

The positive attitude is the hardest thing for me. I feel so jaded when it comes to relationships; a positive attitude feels like delusion.

Omg… just had a message from the Universe. My computer screen flashed, and this quote literally popped up:

“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing.

It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day.

Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”

~ Shams Tabrizi

Says it all :)

Your words about S. really helped – yes, it’s time to let go. I realised earlier that if you outline a boundary and someone doesn’t respect it, then they don’t love you. Someone who loves you will respect your boundaries.

I watched this amazing Zen movie a while ago, and it helped me understand the art of letting go, and allowing life to carry you. The weird thing is that since doing this, my career has really taken off! Because I’m taking the opportunities that come to me, instead of chasing the ones that aren’t available. As Coco Chanel said: “Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door”.

But I basically had to brainwash myself to adopt this way of thinking – every day, five times a day I would repeat a mantra: Life is a process, let it go.

I need to apply that theory to my love life, and brainwash myself into loving myself :D

Harley, I just read this, and it made me think of you. If you would like me to email you the whole book, let me know. xx

“Selectivity Means Success”

In relationships, it feels good to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them until they give you a reason not to. You’ve been taught to be this way from the day you first began talking and socializing.

But being so easygoing has a price—it makes you uncomfortable talking to people about what you expect from them. And without this, you’re likely to be out of touch with the reality of the people and situations around you.

Learning to understand and set expectations effectively with the people around you can be a priceless tool. I can’t say enough good things about what it can do for you in all areas of your life. You’ll be amazed at how much clarity and simplicity comes from it. The people around you will also notice a change in the way you communicate and look at things, and their respect for you will instantly increase and they’ll place value on what you have to say.

(Reading this, I realise that “expectations” are akin to Boundaries).

A process takes place when you begin getting in touch with your expectations. At first, you’ll discover all sorts of bad things that are around you, which might scare the heck out of you.

Of course, setting expectations is also a great tool to improve your love life. For most women who are with “Mr. Wrong,” it takes failure, heartbreak, emotional distress, and pain until they realize that what they want doesn’t fit with the man who’s in their life. These women could have avoided getting involved and seen that this guy is “Mr. Wrong,” if they would have been able to understand and discuss the issue of expectations.

The dark truth is that some women don’t want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own issues and fears of rejection or abandonment. So then a whole self-defeating process takes place:

• Women will believe that he’s a great guy because of the close connection they have, without being very objective about the situation. Yeah, sharing amazing chemistry with a good man is rare and women know it, but it doesn’t mean that they should overlook his shortcomings.

• Women will immediately build all kinds of expectations because of their hopes for the relationship. For example, they expect to have a committed, monogamous relationship as things escalate, even if there’s been no directcommunication with the man about commitment.

For women, being selective is nature’s BEST way of helping acquire the right relationship, at the right time, and with the right man.

You have to get tough. There’s a simple and easy way to do this with a man- be willing to say “no” to a man who isn’t measuring up, and be willing to do this EARLY ON and QUICKLY.

All it takes is a simple few words to a man in a cool and collected manner to the tune of “I don’t take men seriously who do such and such.”

Believe it or not, this is really all you need to say to a man to quickly communicate to him in a non-critical (not a demanding or needy) way some important things:

1. That you won’t put up with less than you know you deserve (but you won’t and don’t have to become “bitchy” about it).

2. That you respect yourself more than you need him.

3. That having THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP is much more important to you than just having a relationship.

This makes you way waaaay less likely to end up being one of those woman who goes out with a man who clearly doesn’t measure up to her expectations or want what she wants… but she can’t seem to help it because she’s stuck on him.

Some women have a problem with being so selective and setting clear expectations and following through. They think that being this way makes them too “bitchy.” For whatever reason, they have a hard time being totally honest about what they really want and how they view someone else’s behaviour.

It’s completely normal to feel this way. But if you want to change the way things go in your love life and relationships… the truth is you’re going to have to start the process of change by changing the way YOU engage with men when you’re dating.

Excellent Vi. Message me on FB or I will tomorrow and send book link please.

I DID all these mistakes with my ex hubby. I WAS doing some of them with Mike too.

I KNOW I chose the German.. he ” thought” he chose me, but I led him a merry dance all night. not quite sure what went wrong there so maybe your book can enlighten me for future. I like analysing things so I could have fun intellect here… rather then over -analysing , if you know what I mean. Ok. bedtime for me.

Again…will said Maria. I agree with all. Yup.. I’ll just chalk it all up to a wonderful night.

Vi.. I hope today is a GOOD day. I messaged you on FB.

Great Harley <3

Vi, I didn’t mean to make you cry <3

You said that you find it hard be positive (when it comes to relationships), that you’re angry and frustrated about your lack of love life and that you don’t know how to step out of the victim mode.

IMO, in the “what ever will be will be” way of thinking, BEING POSITIVE IS NATURALLY BUILT IN – if you approach everything with “this may or may not work, but I will be happy regardless”, then you/that will take away all your insecurities, anger, frustration, other negative feelings and the victim mode.

As for high self-esteem and self love – yes, that will naturally result in you being more selective, less invested and more patient – AND less of a people pleaser – BUT the what ever will be will be way of thinking has the exact same effect.

As for setting boundaries from the start – I think it’s better to just observe a person in the beginning, with one question only in mind – “Are we compatible?” (and “Is he a good person/do I like him?” of course).

I assume that by setting boundaries you mean “not be afraid to speak your mind” though, and you should not be afraid of that of course (and surprise surprise what ever will be will be helps when it comes to that too)…