Nothing ever happens

I don’t think he’s changed. Or evolved in anyway. If U remember ur breakup, he didn’t take any responsibility. If he had evolved/changed he would have said sorry or something. I think he just like the ego boost U give him. A d in his mind U R still into him as U R still replying to his msgs. Also the fact U R talking about him being evolved tells me that U R not as distanced from this as U think U R.

Harley – I agree people can change if they want to. They have to want to.

Sherri – I think you completely misunderstood what I was saying. I never said he was evolving or evolved. I asked a question that if one person can change can’t that mean someone else can? I’m well aware of the fact that he didn’t take any responsibility which is why I never initiate contact and I don’t react with emotion to his texts. I’m not looking for anything with him. I have completely distanced myself mentally from him as a someone I was involved. He is now just someone I know.

I know Harley and I as always appreciate the support. But you can’t get sucked in if you know what you want and know what you deserve. I really believe it’s the mindset of knowing you deserve more and your own confidence.

I think the caution is that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.. but WHEN HE STARTS PRETENDING to agree with it and YOU believe him.. like I did with Mike.

I really DO think you have your head screwed on this time so it will all pan out ok.

Thanks Vi. I read this thread…but can’t find the one where you talked about S. I can’t recall maybe I did post in it. What was it called?

In your posts in this thread, I see so much how we think and are really alike. I see a lot of myself in your words.

Read: He’s Just Nit that Into You.

Guys are cut and dry – he wants to see you, he’ll ask – again and again if he has to. Don’t waste your time on figuring out why somethings work and others don’t. Girl, you deserve a man that will be begging to be with you – always!

Ha Ha Maria, loving the humour. Yes.. I have NO intentions of entertaining M again.. cordial loose friends maybe as in merry xmas.. no hard feelings… but that’s it. But.. yep.. NO going back there.

F.. time will tell.IF EVER he gets in touch , I will of course hear him out. Thanks for the pointers on how to ask SOFTLY… htat is my biggest problem ! Who knows in another month I may not even think of him. I AM not obsessing which is good.

It’s funny how TIME and ADVICE has healed us all.. none of us are willing to settle for crumbs anymore. I REALLY do think inner happiness is the key. I realise now I DO deserve MORE, I DON’T have to put up with crap behaviour ans excuse or accept it. I AM learnniga LOT about conflict resolution and how to avoid arguments by just PHRASING things different.

The past few months I think I have been changing and stream-lining my THOUGHT PROCESS and ACTIONS completely. I AM MUCH happier in life. THIS IS GREAT !

On the subject of telling men when you don’t like their behaviour – whether it be ghosting or being a douche; here’s what Christian Carter has to say:

“honesty is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop—and it’s even more valuable when you’re dating.

It’s OK to be a woman and want what you want as a woman, and let him know it. It’s OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn’t match with what you want. In fact, doing these EXACT things will make you more attractive to men. The amazing thing is that men crave honest women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships, and who can share these things in a way men think of as “low-drama.”

But you’ve just got to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.

If you’re honest and up front about what you want and expect from a man, in a way that says you’re not too attached to the immediate situation with him and the outcome, it can have an EXTREMELY POWERFUL EFFECT. The man will unconsciously recognize that YOU are the one doing the choosing and selecting. (Remember the “natural” process and triggers we talked about before?)

For example, let’s say one of your expectations is that a man be honest with you. You discover that he’s been lying about his availability because he’s still seeing an ex-girlfriend. You could say, “It seems to me that you aren’t being fully honest here. I really expect that the man I date be honest with me about where he’s at, otherwise I’m not interested in pursuing anything further.”

That’s one way of telling a man how you feel and proclaiming your expectations without being too attached to the outcome. But what if you were to say, “I’m really worried that you’re lying to me and that it means you don’t care as much as you say you do. I wonder if you really want a relationship with me or not.” Can you can sense in that statement the attachment to the outcome (the need for validation of his feelings for you) and the situation (you want to have a relationship with him and that sounds more important than your expectation of honesty)? Notice how your expectation of honesty is not clearly communicated in that second example.

Thanks Maria. How are you? <3

Vi – Can you explain about changing together? Not sure I understand. I think if two people are together and both have things to work on, it won’t work but if they separate for a period of time that self evolving could take place as a result of a breakdown in the relationship bec before the breakdown they weren’t aware of the traits that possibly affect the relationship and ones in the past. I’m not saying that it will occur for both people at the same time but can if both people are able to recognize or want to understand why something fell apart. Hope that makes sense and I didn’t confuse everyone. lol

Also, with regard to your statement:
“Since starting this thread I’ve realised that my responses to these guys asking me out has actually turned them off following through. I was paranoid about not seeming interested, and over-exaggerated my enthusiasm, thereby coming across as either desperate or disingenuous.”

What were your responses if you don’t mind sharing an example?

Harley, I think you’re doing great too.

I worry TOO MUCH TIME working on things separate… taking a break…..results in them going their separate ways.

For me A definite,mutually agreed period of timeout/break is required.. i.e 2 weeks/1 month/2 months.. come back together then and talk. A bit like NO CONTACT I suppose.

Yes.. I agree. I would WAIT IT OUT and let him talk. HE.. has to learn to communicate better, see where HE went wrong, asadmit it( in his own head at least) adn CHANGE things. So.. this is where HE has to evolve separate.

YOU.. I think.. have ALREADY evolved separate.

NOW.. (if it’s to be)YOU BOTH hava to come together and evolve together. IF.. both don’t work on it.. like a marraige.. nothing works in my opinion.

THAT’S why I think sooo many marriages fail.. only one person works at it.. both MAY evolve separately but NOT together WHEN/WHERE IT matters.

Also, who knows what he wants, maybe it’s just to chat too. Nothing more. But I won’t worry about his intentions and until he steps forward and says what he wants if it’s anything at all.