Now you see him… now you don't! The case of the reappearing Ghost.

Honestly leave all ghost in the cemetery. Don’t go digging them up only to have them haunt your life again.

When a man has shown me he can bounce out my life with no cause or explanation he stays gone. The last thing I want is to reconnect and worry about you doing the same thing to me again because trust me they will.

In the very rare case a guy may realize he messed up and come back. However that man has to show you that he is serious. It takes time to rebuild that trust. Most guys will try to pick up where they left off and have nothing new to offer you.

I’m not sure why women are so fascinated by men who do this. Pay attention to the ones that stay and are consistent forget the rest.

So he was dating someone else and it didn’t work out, and he’s just jerking the chain to see if you’re still on the other end. Ignore is generally the best advice. You weren’t the first choice.

@ Maria- Thanks!

Ghosting is hard to define, it is largely based on what you had with this person before. If he was normal, consistent, predictable, polite and then disappeared, especially after suggesting a meeting or telling you he will call/text, then it is ghosting. Disappeared for more than week without an explanation or a warning. And later he reappears as if nothing happens, no sorry I was out of touch, sorry I did not write because.., nothing of that sort – then this is ghosting for sure.

It is easier to say what is NOT ghosting. If you messaged a few days, then met once and the person disappeared, it is not nice, it can easily be avoided and dealt with in an adult manner, but given the dozens and dozens of people doing online dating, these days it is almost acceptable. I never do that myself, because it only takes me a minute to type a message.

Thank you Maria. I think is very hard to define.
Khadija, I said don’t yell at me because I have been reading some posts lately and the responses to the OP were sometimes hard.

For me , my question is valid but I can honestly confess I declare myself ignorant from dating rules and this American Culture. I live in the US but originally from other country. And all this dating world have been very different from what I saw on my home country. So, despite I have 40 years old I am very ignorant of this dating process.
I am trying to read as much as I can to learn, and I am thankful I found this website with so many different perceptions of the same reality.
You commented to one of my post before, and I thank you for that. Now, I am guessing if I can put the current man on the vanished list or not. As I explained before, we were crossing emails for almost 2 months, practically every day. Then, he asked for my number, started texting and after that, calling. Very consistent to be fair. From the beginning he said he is very shy and he feels very comfortable with online dating because he doesn’t have to expose himself to social situations like going to bars and approaching people directly in person. We are three hours distance (I know some people here don’t believe in LTR) but I just gave it a try. I didn’t have anything to lose. I didn’t have sex with him. He didn’t even reach anything but 1st base. After 6 weeks , he finally drove to meet me in person. Then, continue calling and texting. Now, puff! 4 days not contact at all. The last time (4 days ago) he sent a text practically wishing me a good day, I replied asking him “How you been”? 4 days later, no reply, no call, no nothing. And that is when my question came up. DO I have to wait to see if something happened to him ? or this is a sign that he vanished? or what is the reasonable time to expect something. I am keeping myself intact and doing nothing. But, I am too naive for believing all his words when he was planning just to disappear?

They can take from one to three months in my case I have never had one reappear after 4 months.

I have talked to them but I seriously can’t get past the fact and then drop them like a hot potato because I resent their action. I don’t hate them but what they did. It hurts like hell, specially when you already have some feelings for them.

I know people that for whatever reason stopped dating and reconnect after even years and end up marrying, but they usually end things up on good terms. I have never met anyone that has a successful relationship with a ghost. I will certainly come and tell you if I ever do.

Ghosting has happened to me once. I got pretty peeved about it because, come on. If you’re not interested, just head on say so. Girls are not as soft as they think. But I haven’t been ghosted before, so I had him tell me about what he wanted then and there. I am not the type for him to keep me on the sidelines.

Karen it would be a red flag to me that a guy says they like online dating because it means that they want a virtual reality without anything real. It also means that they are not very socia, as in sociopathy. Not being social is not a good thing at all especially in a relationship. You want to avoid these types of people. Maybe all he wanted was a virtual reality, maybe he got started with someone else now. Anyhow, to find the serious ones, you have to meet them pretty soon, not this emailing, texting back and forth but meeting as soon as possible as I am sure you want a real relationship.

How is ghosting defined to me is when you lose contact with someone for apparently no reason you can guess. If you agreed on distance or thinking it over, it is not ghosting. It is ghosting when you think you are talking and the guy disappears completely on you.

The lenght of time can really vary depending on the circumstances. In a relationship or very serious dating close to exclusivity or LDR I would define ghosting when the guy disappears for more than two-three days. It depends on their pattern too. If you are used to daily communication, one day is fine, two-three is fine if they have said they will be busy for whatever reason. It is normal for the communication to go through phases depending on one’s life, some days you may have lots of it, some days maybe one short text or email. I do not initiate and I find it normal that the style can vary because if I was the one starting, some days I would not write at all or just a quick text.

That said in a relationship you do sort of want contact pretty much daily, at least as much as a text or email saying how are you how was your day, hugs or whatever. Again 2-3 days arenormal, if they are gone on vacation or business, work related event, maybe even a bit more but you want at least something minimal at the most every four days or so.

Both things count making plans for a meeting and touching bases a bit in between. If someone disappears when nothing has developed yet, it is not truly ghosting. I define ghosting as something that occurs when there are already some expectations towards the other person, such as in a more serious, prolonged dating or a BF/GF relationship.

As far as you initiating contact, if you have been in an exclusive relationship, then you can send a short text or email after say two days but no pestering, calling, double texting, etc. Normally you should expect to hear back within a few hours. If you have not been in an exclusive relationship then you should not be initiating contact. At the most again one short text if you have been dating for weeks/months close to exclusivity.

To add, he is 5 years younger than me. I never dated or considerated to date younger than me before.
I have been thinking that maybe he saw me as a challenge and after having my attention, game was over. But I will never know. That is my frustation too.
If I did or say something that he didn’t like it. I will never know.
I am learning few things for this experience, I’m positive but at the same time think I am no having the whole picture. I will keep talking with others. For sure I will not wait 6 weeks in the future to meet somebody in person. No way.

Claudia, you could always start your own post. It’s easier than reading all of the old responses until we get to yours and realize it’s someone totally different. Also were you dating this guy? For how long?

I think I’ve been ghosted by my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 3 months before he left for work in a rural area where there is no signal. It has happened before and I completely understand. But it happened again. We lost contact for 3 weeks then on Valentine’s day I saw his Viber was online so I messaged him. He wasn’t replying or answering my calls which fueled me so I sent him more messages and kept on calling him. The only things he said we’re, “You talk too much. I’m really busy. Happy Valentine’s anyway.” Then he’s gone. It has been 4 weeks now since that day, I see him online tried contacting him but no response. I’m just really hurt. When we were still starting out he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I introduced him to my family. He had plans of introducing me to his family. I took things into consideration but isn’t it too long already? Some say that I should take a hint that he has ghosted on me but I somehow still want to believe that one day he’d be back and explain things. Although I have been slowly accepting that he has ghosted on me. I just feel that I have to let go because it’s incapacitating me already. But I am still hoping. I don’t know.

Bianca – start a new post to get responses