Ok… so I've been e-tethered

So I moved this question from dating advice to texting…. because today’s education made me realize I’m stuck in texting….. I’m not even dating… yet. LOL

And for the person who wrote act like a lady if you want to be treated like one. I agree. And I do. Actually, I’ve been told I’m too reserved. So now, after not dating for 15 years, I am trying to relax a bit. Sex isn’t new to me and I didn’t think it was a big deal to kiss someone I was having a good time with who it turns out is in my industry and have people in common with….. Now I know better….

I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH HIM. BUT…. I got caught up in sexting and it led to phone sex. Does that count as sleeping with him? Not in my book. Does nothing for me and regretted it the instant I hung up.

He seems to text when he knows I’m not available or he isn’t. Last Sunday morning, 7 am – am I seeing you this week? I replied I’m leaving Tuesday morning for vacation. He got into sexting. I shut it down. Texted “hey this is fun but I’m beginning to feel like an 800# LOL” He backed away…. not the intention, was thinking of you call you later… never did. Didn’t expect him to then or ever.

Next night (before I leave) he wrote: sorry we didn’t connect got busy at work. Safe travels. I DIDN”T REPLY

Last week, while I”m still away, he texts:
Him: when are you back?
Me: Friday (FYI… that was yesterday)
Him: I’m going away Friday, back next week.
Me: “Enjoy. Safe travels :)”
No reply and didn’t expect one.

So I get my mistakes in this one. Qeustions are:
1. Can I recover from this – if I even want to?
2. What do I do when they keep texting and no action? How long do I give it? What are my replies? BTW, I’m reading these e-books, and listening to the audios… but they don’t address this – at least not yet.

Any advice would be great. Thanks, Kate

OMG Stephanie… you are hysterical. When you put the hot potato example out there I literally laughed out loud and my cat came to see what was going on… so thanks for that perspective.

When I read and listen about “neediness” and “being whole” overall I’m doing ok. I guess like everyone else I’m not attracted to and/or like that many men so when one comes along who seems normal, fun, nice-looking, good job, we clicked… I thought there was potential and got excited about that.

I’ve dated men who have rushed things along and it has worked out. So at first I didn’t think anything of it. And while I’ll own my stuff, he started talking like we were in a relationship… I’ve learned now it didn’t mean anything but didn’t realize it at the time. So after one date, I’m this grown woman acting like a GF…. it felt weird when I realized what was happening and frankly it is embarressing but I’d rather get it all out here and let it go….

That said, when I wrote “recover” I didn’t mean me and emotionally. I don’t know this man and I’m clear on that.

I meant is it possible to have something with this guy.. for the reasons I stated above. But I get your point…. he doesn’t want a relationship. Or he wouldn’t be acting this way. And I want and deserve better…. So next to his name (and there’s another tethering me without the sexting) I have ET (for e-tether) DNR (do not reply or resuscitate – take your pick).

And, I won’t be replying anymore. I’m not even going to tell him I’m seeing someone. I’ll just delete the texts. He’ll get the message eventually. If I have to, I’ll block him.

As for the 7-10 day rule, one struggle I have is that I travel most weeks for work and am not usually available most weeknights. Weekends yes but most seem to want to meet for a drink or coffee after work. However, I am starting to realize if someone is truly interested in meeting me and starting a relationship, he will work with that in the beginnning until we can figure it out.

Any suggestions on that are welcome also.

Thanks Free Spirit.

You make an interesting point about control. I do think sometimes I try to control situations and am working hard on that one.

That said, i also believe a lot of this is about control for these guys and I’m learning to recognize it and not get sucked into it.

I’m really glad I posted here. I was hesitant at first but this has really helped me. Now I’m going to practice self control when these dudes text. The self-control of not replying. I don’t want to delete because I won’t recognize the numbers. I may block but am told that my carrier limits blocking. I reserve that for the porn… lol

I’m also not going to check into my sites as frequently. That is also an “addiction”. If I’m truly leading the busy life I had before I discovered on-line dating, I’m spending way too much time on these sites which is taking away from other important things in my lfe.

Any other suggestions or comments to any of the above are welcome. There is a wealth of information on this forum and I’m so grateful for everyone’s time to help others.

Kate

*** monitor him carefully

Kate, glad you got my humor and glad this helped. You’re learning. It’s all good. :)

I’m doing a little online dating and if a man even references sex before we meet, I walk. A decent guy wouldn’t do that. I refuse to even get into texting before I meet someone and I tell them that I am bad at it because I am so busy during the day with work and I don’t use my mobile phone that much. That eliminates it from even becoming a problem. The reason being, the second man I gave my mobile phone number to and texted a little with one day then promptly used my number to look up all kinds of information about me – I had FB friend request and LinkedIn request from him within 24 hrs of the text series. We hadn’t even talked yet. Creepy. Don’t need it. I blocked him from everything and got a lot more careful. I’ve also blocked 2 men who seemed to want to email endlessly. I don’t prompt them to ask me out – this is really important. They should be asking pretty quick or they are either time wasters or they aren’t real. Guys online need to prove they are real in my book.

Text and email are NOT the real world. Always remember that. The top 2 reasons for trouble in relationships on this site are too much texting and sexual activity too fast. Sexting is the worst of both worlds.

Kate, you mentioned not checking into the site as ofte. My preference is Match and when subscribed I don’t go on it unless I have received an email or unless I have been inactive for a few days just to log in so it will show activity. This allows a pretty good balance to not interfere with me living my life.

Hi Stefanie

Also really helpful- thanks. These are great guidelines to follow. Am curious how else you meet men besides on-line? I travel a lot for work. I also meet them in airports and hotels but am always concerned they are married and don’t want to go there. Many remove their rings when they travel….. have a friend bitten by that one.

To clarify, the guy I’m interested in that appears to have e-tethered me DID ask me out immediately. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, he called me the next day, set up a date for 5 days later, we met. It was a great meeting. He called me right after the date to tell me again what a great time he had…..

The crap all started after meeting. Some I do beleive was logistical. We met two days before Christmas, he had vacation, came back and I left a few days after New Years for 10 days.

That said, no excuse for initiating sexting etc… but I will own my part in it all.

BTW, I had two guys send linked in reqeusts, before we met (one after we spoke). Also thought it was creepy. Didn’t meet them and blocked them also.

I am well aware that e-communication of any kind isn’t real. Frankly neither is the phone. Once upon a time, I was told to limit the phone calls or guys date you on the phone. That seems to be usurped by text and email. Crazy!! Don’t they want to meet? Isn’t the real thing better than this? I just don’t get it! But I’m not going to even try.

FYI… we have a few things in common – I’m divorced two years now and also in my late 40s. And we’re both on this site…. haha.

Thanks again!

Kate, I also travel a fair bit for work. Here is how I meet quality men – I put myself where my kind of guy would be. I belong to a private club in London, for example. Loaded with the right kind of guys. The last guy I dated was also a member. I was not looking for anyone when I met him.

I spend time in the business lounge at the airport, I upgrade wherever possible – flight seat, executive floor in the hotel, etc. I strike up conversations for the heck of it. It’s good practice. Or rather, I smile and let them know I’m open to talking and they will talk to me.

Here is the key. The first thing is make peace with where you are right now. And love it. Because it’s where you are. Then trust that you are meeting the divine choice of partner in divine timing. That takes all the pressure off you. Then go have FUN! Boyfriend/husband hunting is so darn grim. And your energy will scare them. Don’t worry about married men. What you focus on you will get. And if you focus on what you DON’T want, ironically you will get it because of your attention to it! When I meet something or someone that doesn’t please me, I just think no thanks, God, what else you got for me?

See, you can be out there TRYING your butt off to meet Mr Right but if you aren’t in the right frame of mind, you will only attract a problem or what you don’t want. It’s like being a salesperson who doesn’t really believe in what she’s selling or has low self esteem. All your cold calls and meetings and blah blah blah won’t add up to diddly squat.

My last BF was a match to who I was back in May. I’m not that person now at all, and that’s why he went. He wanted to stay in emotional and fiscal anorexia and use his ex as an excuse to not move forward. The pay-off… he never really risks anything so he can’t be that hurt again. BUT… he will never be happy either. In 17 years, has not had a relationship that lasted past 6 months. It’s so obvious now.

Me, I”ve stepped up to being the real me and being on this site has taught me about men and how important it is to be the authentic me. I’ve hit it baby. It feels amazing. I’m not worried as I sit here on Sunday evening about meeting Mr Right. I can feel how wonderful it is to be connected to my real self and thus how good it feels to connect to a wonderful man in a healthy way. I realized… I have never had a man just walk up to me and hug me and tell me he loves me. I’ve never had a man take me to bed and in the middle of it all tell me he loves me. It’s about damn time! This is my miracle year! Decide to make it your miracle year too. You must know that you can have anything you set your sights on. And then have the self worth and self confidence behind it.

This is really long. I sense we have a lot in common. I hope with all my heart you can take something from my journey since I got to ANM in October and bloom like a rose too.

lots of love Stefanie

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. So glad I found this site…. not even sure how. I clicked on something, got an email from Eric and Sabrina, clicked some more. downloaded the e-book sample, bought the e-book (and a few other bonuses), and here I am…..

Love your suggestions about traveling. I do some of it but not all. Still not there yet for the upgrades on the airlines but this is the year for that. lol. Hotel executive floors are great as are the executive lounges on them. I’ve met folks at cocktail hours and at breakfast….

I also started to eat dinner at the bar instead of taking a table. It’s actually more fun then sitting alone at a table. I discovered that after being stood up by someone i met on OKC. I was in a neighborhood bar, never been there before. The bartender was so nice to me when it happened. She told me it happens all the time, offered me a glass of wine on the house. I skipped the wine and ended up having dinner there. She actually tried to introduce me to a guy sitting alone near me.

Made me realize what an opportunity when I travel. So I do that now. And at minimum, I talk to the bartenders and sometimes others join in….I was once with a colleague and a really cute guy was checking me out, smiled at me but couldn’t do anything about it because I wasn’t alone…. lol

So yes. You are right. There are lots of opportunities out there and I just need to put myself in their way.

But clearly I have some healing to do. I thought I was ready… maybe not yet but I’m still going to put myself out there and PRACTICE.

By the way — congratulate me!! I just hit my first delete on a text from a different e-tetherer. I’m not particularly interested in him so I don’t really care that he is doing it but I do need to practice cutting these dudes loose so he’ll do for that….

Yes the one I wrote about e-tethered me after meeting me and talking about going out again. Called me every day for 4 or 5 days, talked like we were in a relationship. The whole thing felt weird but I went with it instead of stopping it. Then I finally put the brakes on (albeit after sexting a one phone sex session), left the country for vacation, and well, here we are. So I’m going to follow Harley’s advice on this one. I can only change my own behaviors and see what happens. I don’t just mean with this one person, I mean in general. I’m reading the e-books, reading the posts on this forum like crazy, and trying to learn.

Have to look into a private club. NYC probably has them but I’m only aware of the Ivy League ones and I didn’t go to those schools….

My friend recommended the book Healing the Child Within. There is a book and a workbook. I took it with me on vacation but couldn’t do it. I just wanted to enjoy my time away… But now that i am back am going to work through that. Or at least once I get over the jet lag and catch up at work….

Thanks again. You’ve been an amazing source of support and strength…

Kate