Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › On and off and on and off and EXHAUSTED!
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Stacey.
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Stacey
Hello.
I’ll get straight to it.I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for the past 4 years. When we met we had both seemingly managed to escape toxic relationships/partners and because of this we both basically haven’t been willing to compromise ourselves for relationships in general. With every make-up our relationship seems to get better but let’s be honest, who wants to go through life making and breaking up with their partner just for the relationship to resemble any bit of “growth.”
I’m the one who usually ends things because I feel whenever he does something hurtful, it’ll always be something I deem a deal breaker. One of my biggest concerns is I’ll address how unpleased I may be with something, he’ll apologize and we’ll move on from it but a few weeks/months later, he’ll do something similar. It makes me feel unheard and like he was never really sorry. Another big concern with the relationship is that I’ve only met his 2 brothers from his family and a few friends (he introduced me as his girlfriend to his brothers but not to his friends. He just said “Guys this is Stacey” when introducing me to the friends) I’ve hung out with him and his brothers a few times but I can’t help wonder why the friends seem to be almost off-limits??
As much as being known by the friends has become almost trivial to me because he seems to make new friends almost every year, it still is something I find questionable. More so how he also has never invited me to any of his family functions or just any social gatherings. He says the reason that is- is because our relationship is unstable. He says my inconsistency makes it hard for him to take that next step with me as he doesn’t want to introduce multiple girls to his family. Something makes me feels that this is only an excuse because when we broke up for a lengthy period 2 years ago, he started dating this girl and I was told by friends (he too confessed) that she was infact invited to a family gathering his family had hosted. He says she did meet his mom but that he never introduced her as his girlfriend, just a friend.When we talk, he says he wants a future with me just that he feels we need to work in the relationship more. Now the strange thing with that is that it seems like he expects me to be the one working on the relationship (atleast me more than him.) He’ll do something sweet like help me set up a new business but will completely undo that gesture by doing something as weird as posting female friends (which I haven’t been introduced to) dancing or doing some wild stuff on his social media. I’m not against him posting his friends but I believe there should be boundaries and since I don’t know these friends, I don’t deem it appropriate. I’ve never been posted on his social media (there’s actually not a single shred of evidence that he might be in a relationship on there) but he is a super private person so I’ve figured it’s probably that.
It’s hard for me to determine whether this guy is stringing me along or if he’s genuine about a life with me. Simply because he’ll do something completely amazing but will counter it with something just as equally hurtful. I feel like our relationship is the definition of “ups and downs” and it’s exhausting.
Please adviseNewbie
It does sound exhausting.
He keeps you at arms length. You feel his behaviors are hurtful. You tolerate those behaviors but there is no real change.
Thing is, you can only control and adjust your own behavior.
So, what to do?
Could it be that you’re both just not compatible?
Better off single
You can’t force someone to grow up or make them get over the damage a toxic relationship does instantly. There are going to be ups and downs until he’s over it.
It sounds like this relationship isn’t working for you so what’s stopping you from walking away?
Peggy
Any relationship that is on and off and on and off-and I find exhausting, is a relationship I would deem unworkable. So I would break up and go no contact. Move on. Plus 4 years with no plan,no ring etc.? Just no to that-waste of time.
Raven
4 Years of this bullish!t?
Stacey
Every time I walk away, he goes “There you go again, running away from dealing with the issue.” It then makes me feel like he’s right- that maybe I really am inconsistent. I claim to want the relationship to work but “run” every time the relationship encounters a problem. Thing is the ‘problem’ is always something I find quite hurtful if not unnecessary altogether. When I’m wanting to leave or have left, he goes out of his way to win me back. Literally anything I say he should do, he will do! He goes to lengths I feel a hook-up guy wouldn’t be willing to go through but this sweet behavior will last about 2 months then we’re back to no effort guy. During the last break up, I asked to have full access to his house and he got me my own key the very next day. I don’t think that’s something a hook up guy would be willing to do. I’ve considered that we just might not be compatible but he always encourages working through our differences. I won’t lie, it has never felt as though he was INTENTIONALLY manipulating me, but I just wonder why and how he’s ALWAYS willing to “work it out but also equally play a big hand in sabotaging it??!” Where marriage is involved, I too am not sure whether I’d like that for myself right now. My career is quite demanding of me and I know marriage would mean I’d have to almost slow down. I feel like my work is the one thing I can always count on to not disappoint me so it has pretty much filled the void of a husband. He is very supportive where my work goes but he falls short where our romantic relationship is involved. I guess I stay because in my head I figure maybe all couples have differences?? That it can’t all be perfect??
Raven
He’s not all in…
If, after 4 years you’ve not met all of his… & he’s blaming You for that-Decide what You want & tell him.
Stacey
I know for sure he administers a few behaviors/traits I do not appreciate in a partner (like making me feel unheard) But he also has some traits that I do love and appreciate (being supportive with my career, sometimes even putting mine before his.) I guess I’m confused coz I’m wondering if it’s possible to find a person who’ll be 1000% what I like?
tammy
as raven said above, you need to figure out just what you want. once your clear on that discuss with him. but you got to remember you got to give and take. cant be all your way.
Andrea
He doesn’t feel you are The One. He’s stringing you along.
Tallspicy
If a man is not making an effort to marry you by 2 years (meaning it is on the table or he has a very good excuse to not be moving stuff foreword), he is not going to. I suggest couples counseling to see if you both can learn to communicate better!
Lisa
You said yourself you’re not ready for marriage so I’d say break up for good and when you are ready for someone you can dedicate your time to you’ll know. He’s not someone you’re willing to compromise for….you pretty much said that. Plus, you’re both all over the place so it’s probably best to call it quits.
AllieM
It’s not supposed be this hard. It’s not going to get better at this point. Time to go.
Things go along smoothly between me and my boyfriend 95% of the time and even at his worst he doesn’t do things that are disrespectful or damaging to the relationship. We’ve been together 3 years and we still really like each other, LOL.
Stacey
I will definitely be taking time to reflect on what I specifically need from him and from our relationship. I know relationships are a give and take, I just can’t help but feel like I been giving an awful lot to a man who’s intentions aren’t clear. I will reflect and speak to him about it. I do feel we’re at a point where professional help might need to be explored. It really shouldn’t be this hard but also life unfolds differently for all of us. At this point, I’m just praying to go through it all and still come out with my sanity intact. I’ve lost myself to a man before and I have no desire to go through that ever again.
Thank you all for your advice. Be blessed. -
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