On rebuilding trust

So you were gossiping?

Reiterate what you said here to us:

“There is no risk because honestly I do see the issue and I will not repeat it ever again.”

I’m not one to usually go tit for tat, but in this instance it may be useful to remind him he once asked for your trust and promised never to do something ever again. You are now making the same promise and asking for his trust.

Let him know you would never ever want to jeopardize his job. You see where he’s coming from and it won’t happen again. (You can joke about him “owing you one” if you have that kind of relationship)

Then drop it. Because for every “sorry” you say will bring it to the forefront of his mind.

Healthy relationships shouldn’t be a power play. When they are, it’s because one or both parties struggle with trusting themselves or others in general. Him using this as a situation to take control and come out on top, instead of communicating how hurt he is and working with you to try to move past it after you recognized his feelings, isn’t all that mature. Does the relationship usually feel balanced?

Anyway, ask him what he really needs / wants from you in this situation to repair things. You’ve already apologized and acknowledged your mistake and his feelings of betrayal about it. What does he think can help you both move forward? His ego is clearly damaged and he doesn’t handle conflict well, but I bet a big part of this is he feels blindsided. What may help is if a situation like this ever comes up again in the future, committing to him that you will talk through any feedback you’re going to give with him BEFORE you share it out with someone else so that your boyfriend does not ever feel blindsided again. Reiterate that you are in his corner and absolutely want him to succeed, and to help set him up for success, and don’t want to ever censor your beliefs (ie lie) but see now that you could have discussed it with him first.

I also wonder how you’re coming across to him, in that you are trying to fix things but still clearly stand by the feedback you’d given, so he may feel like you don’t get it and don’t mean your apology. That’s not a bad thing that you’re being honest with him and gave some constructive feedback, even though he didn’t want to hear it. But some people want their partners to be unconditionally supportive of them at all times and their ego can’t handle being challenged. Does that tend to be true in this relationship? Do you want someone you can be completely transparent with and challenge at times (though always be respectful about it!)? If so, maybe there are compatibility issues at work here too, if you have more of a growth mindset than he does.

You also sound like you work closely together, which is challenging for most relationships. Is there any possibility in the future to put more professional distance between yourselves?

Hopefully some of these ideas help. Good luck!