Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Once a cheater always a cheater?
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Cara.
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Kat
Late last year, my boyfriend cheated on me multiple times. He even cheated on me with someone that was close to me. I found out about his cheating through his phone one night when he fell asleep with it unlocked in his hand.
He begged for me to stay. Said he would do what it takes to fix it. I considered staying mostly because our son is not even a year old. My condition was we have an open phone relationship and we inform eachother of our whereabouts. I never felt like I can forgive him however, I dead the issue because I really wanted things to be better if I was choosing to stay.
Things was improving, however this year I’ve been feeling very suspicious of him. The same gut feeling I’ve had that led me to go through his phone the first time. The condition that we had to have an open phone relationship has gone out the window. He hides his phone 24/7. He even goes with it in the bathroom and it’s always in his pocket. If I happen to sit next to it when it is charging, he would take it immediately and walk around with it. He is a person that is glued to his phone and always has been. I addressed the issue to him and he said he still has rights to some privacy. I do not agree. But he hasn’t gone through mine so I don’t know how to handle this.
Last night he went out to meet with a guy friend of his, at least that’s what he told me. I never had any proof if it was the truth as we sometimes send pictures to eachother when out with other people but last night he did not. He came home around 9pm. And this morning he woke up early and was texting on whatsapp. It was an intense conversation as he was fixated on his phone for a few hours. I could see him smiling here and there. I was so tempted to ask him who he’s talking to but I know he was just going to make it “my” issue and I honestly do not need an argument.
I don’t have any proof just suspicions. Could I be just paranoid because he cheated before or there is something there? It won’t matter to confront him because he’s just going to lie to me. I’m even at a point where I want to hire a h*cker to get through his phone. I never had the password. He would ask me often if there’s someone I’m talking to so I don’t know why he would care if he’s talking to someone else too. Things feel dead between us. We have sex once a month, maybe twice. I had already bought him a Valentine’s day gift and I’m sure I’m not getting one. If he’s still cheating I’m leaving this time and I’ve already made up my mind about that.
Anyone know what I can do to find concrete evidence? Is it fair to break up with someone just over suspicions? He gaurds his phone extra now so the chance of getting it unlocked is slim. What is the right thing to do? I am open to any advice.
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Kat – I’m sorry that your topic was held-back, and I hope you see that it’s published now!
(The forum filter doesn’t like the word “hacker” – that word is used in a lot of spam bots. Avoid that word and your replies on this thread should be fine!)
Maddie
“It won’t matter to confront him because he’s just going to lie to me.”
This right here is why you break up with him. You gave it a try best you could, yet he didn’t do enough to rebuild your trust. It doesn’t even matter if he’s cheating at this point. The relationship is broken, your needs aren’t getting met, and he’s hiding crap and deflecting blame on to you. No. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust, and he’s only shown you that you can’t trust him. You’re not enough of a priority to him to really fix this, and that is not your fault. This man is selfish and has issues he doesn’t want to deal with. I know it’s difficult because you have a child, but he’s shown no indications of wanting to change. If someone doesn’t want to change for themselves, they never will. You deserve better.
Anon
Yes he is hiding something. And he went out with a guy friend on Valentine’s Day and not you- I would doubt that’s what really happened. Make a plan to leave with your son. It’s not worth staying and constantly suspicious- it will be a huge sense of relief not to have this hanging over your head. He is very disrespectful to you.
zoe
You should have left after the first cheating. Now you are just wasting your precious time. And becoming more damaged from his butthole. It will not work out. Leave now
Kat
Thanks for the replies.
Anon my post got held back due to the h*cker word, so I was trying to post before Valentine’s day. He went out before that.
And speaking of V day, I got him a card and some of his fav chocolates, a quality journal with pen for his work meetings cause I noticed he was writing his notes on pieces of paper. He loved his gift. He got me some flowers that he picked from the garden at home. It was a gesture nonetheless and I appreciated it. That night I initiated we have sex but he said he just wants to cuddle. But the next day which was yesterday, I got home from work around 5ish and had the baby down for a nap and I fell asleep too. I woke up when the baby woke up and I realized he was masturbating in the bathroom and he pretended he was bathing. Sigh.
I’m a lot quiet around him now just cause emotionally I feel drained. I know he feels it because he texted me this morning saying “something isn’t right” I replied “maybe”. And he didn’t ask me anything further.
I know this is not how it’s supposed to be and I agree with your comments. But at this point I don’t even know what to do.
Honesty Rocks
I think you have really tried and im sorry to say this is all you will get out of this guy. Hes cowardly, manipulative and downright disrespectful. But the thing is now you have a child and you have to put their needs into the equation too. Thing is with this cheater type of guys they are douchebags to their cores so they will make it hard for you to leave and tend to withhold paying for their childrens upkeep too. So what Im saying is yes you should leave this horrible guy but you have to do so in a way that you are going to be able to provide everything for your child. Can you do this ? Do you have earnings, a place to live, friends and family support ? So make your plans first and perhaps do so in a way that he has no idea whats coming and you can arrange things with care. x
Raven
There’s an old saying, ‘Children live what they learn.’
By staying with this guy, you are teaching your child that you are ok with a lying, cheeting partner…
Imagine if your child is female, her life?
Imagine if your child is male, that’s his male role model.I’m regards to the advice above, don’t stay with someone just because you don’t have a fallback. You should be able to get child support.
Anon
Figure out your exit plan and leave- for yourself. I cannot even imagine a guy saying he just wants to cuddle over sex. I’m sure you felt humiliated that he didn’t want to have sex and didn’t reciprocate with a decent gift. He doesn’t deserve the nice way you’re treating him- treat yourself that nicely.
Kat
I know how correct everyone is!! I’m crying.
I can support myself and my son financially about 90%, I have my parents to support me if ever I need to fall back. But I grew up with both my parents and I wanted the same for my son. And the co-parenting hassle, with my son having a step mom some day it’s not what I want. The sad part is I told him this in the earlier days we were dating. He also has both of his parents and we had that same value. However his Dad cheated on his mom and allegedly has outside children. He said he did not want to be like his father on that regard. But yet here we are, you are absolutely correct Raven.
I don’t know how to leave and that’s what I am facing. A friend told me eventually I will wake up one day and decide this is not what I want and I will just leave just like that. But I know if I catch him cheating one more time this will make my decision for sure no doubt. But I know I can’t live like this, just being miserable by holding on until I get proof to end all this.
Has anyone ever left the father of their kids? What challenge have you faced? What are the good parts too? I’m just unsure and afraid if I’m honest.
Gaia
Kat- I highly recommend you talk to a therapist. They can help guide you through this. I left my children’s father and went through all the emotions/turmoil you are. It’s been years and it is the best thing I have ever done. My kids blossomed into healthy young men with good heads on their shoulders. They learned how to treat a woman by watching their mother stand up for herself and learning what they should-shouldn’t do in relationships.
Think about what you are saying- the next time you catch him… he’ll hide it better until you become the crazy one. You don’t have trust. It can take a long time to rebuild that and you both have to be willing. It doesn’t sound like he is. Please get help for yourself even if it is alone. I promise that you can get through this.
Poppy
You REALLY need to leave him. I’m a woman that was on the other side of your situation and had no idea he was in a relationship + living with her for 6 months of us dating! Texting me on whatsapp, calling me everyday, sleeping with me, etc. And the reason he stayed with her is because he needed a place to stay.. out of convenience. I was sick to my stomach when I found out this man was already in a committed relationship!!
Big N-O!
I dropped him and spent 3 months getting std tested. This man is using you as a placeholder and will eventually drop you like a fly for another woman. Not only that, but what if this man brings you home a permanent std?? men like this are DIRTY! i really hope you leave him. Don’t give him the chance to leave you first. It is not worth it.
Kat
I hear you ladies. I’m not going to ignore your advice.
But I have an update. I managed to speak up finally and tell him all that’s on my mind, in the most calmest way to not stirr any arguments. He told me that because he cheated on me he is afraid I would do the same. So he has doubts of me too! Can you believe? He also said that he enjoys sex but sometimes his mind isn’t in the right place. He said that us living together has made us more like siblings rather than lovers. He also said every little time we have that the baby is asleep I want sex while he just wants to watch a movie in peace. I told him I understand that but he should be glad that I even want to have sex with him after he’s cheating. That many women that has a 7 month old baby, who cooks and cleans plus work full time would not be looking for sex at all and that he’s lucky I’m trying to make time for it even though I’m tired AF. He talks like all we ever do is have sex when it happens like once a month. I proceeded to tell him that if we both have doubts then why don’t we have an open phone relationship and tell eachother everything and keep things transparent so we both benefit. He never commented on that. Infact we didn’t reach any conclusion.
But I’m not going to brush off what he said. He clearly takes me for granted and I’m tired of this feeling. I am thinking of moving out but not necessarily break up but get some space for myself and just watch how things unfold. I will be putting myself first and let him catch up to me if this relationship is going to ever work. Maybe some space will remind him what he has or had. And if he rather use that space to chase other women which I WILL find out then good f*cking riddance!!
Raven
Sorry @Kat to be a buzz kill…
You’re walking on egg shells = “I managed to speak up finally and tell him all that’s on my mind, in the most calmest way to not stirr any arguments.”
He’s projecting his stuff on you = “ He told me that because he cheated on me he is afraid I would do the same.”
He’s gaslighting you = “He talks like all we ever do is have sex when it happens like once a month.”
His non-answer is your answer = “I proceeded to tell him that if we both have doubts then why don’t we have an open phone relationship and tell eachother everything and keep things transparent so we both benefit. He never commented on that. Infact we didn’t reach any conclusion.”
You’re making excuses for him…
Maddie
Read Raven’s reply, then re-read it again.
This can’t get better. He doesn’t want it to get better because it requires too much hard work he needs to do on himself. If now that you live together you’re like siblings (according to him), then there’s no end game here. He’ll ALWAYS cheat on anyone he’s serious enough with to live with because only fantasy women are sexually satisfying to him, not real partners. And the reason for that is he did not come to terms with his dad’s terrible example and having half-siblings… he is not right within himself. But instead of being an adult and doing what he learned a man never should, he probably instead sees this both as normal behavior and as a great way to avoid how painful it was to see his mom that way and how painful it was to have half-siblings in this way and the whole mess.
That’s NOT an excuse for him. It’s explaining why he will keep acting this way as long as you stay, and why you cannot do anything to help or change him. He chose to handle his pain in this way several years before you even met. You did not cause the pain or behavior, you cannot fix it. Please protect yourself and your child, or he will continue to pass his trauma down to the next generation like his dad passed it down to him. Use that as your motivation to get the strength to leave.
Maddie
*But instead of being an adult and NOT doing…
redcurleysue
There is child support to help you. I am sorry you are going through this but if Jay Z can cheat on Beyonce then cheating can happen to anyone. I know it is hard to let go of the feeling of security he offers you but he is not stable. Do not be afraid to rid yourself of a man who would do this….you will love again someone who will cherish you.
Kat
I’m so glad I posted because y’all are giving me the tea here.
So he went to work this morning and texted me the “conclusion”. He said that he doesn’t think having an open phone rela will help. He’s giving me all these excuses about what if he receives a text from a guy friend and I’m just going to open it invading that privacy etc. I told him I don’t want to own his phone and be checking every bing that goes off. I just want to see that he has no objections or fear with me around it because he’s not doing anything he’s not supposed to be doing. And I told him he will have mine to, which he already does but he chooses not to use it because he doesn’t want me on his. He said that if he wants to see my phone he’ll ask me at random times, but yet when I’ve asked for his, he locks it immediately and puts it away. The reason I want this phone transparency is because the day I was able to have it unlocked I found out about so much. From flirty text messages on all social media platform, thanking girls for the night, to nudes and videos of girls sending him strip tease. He keeps his real life in there and also some confidential work stuff, I see how he would protect it but if it’s to hiding unacceptable things from me then that’s not going to fly. I can clearly see that he doesn’t want to work on himself infact he’s talking about me changing my ways.
I asked him what he meant by that and I also told him about the “sibling” situation that Maddie pointed out and he hasn’t replied to that. When I think back, he’s had one serious girlfriend before to have her slept over a few days here and there but she never lived with him and it’s not the same place we are in now.
I’m seeing a lot of things that I wasn’t seeing before and he’s making me the problem. Infact he has made me the problem for everything I called him out on.
I’ll be checking what the final say is on this situation and if nothing is changing I know I won’t be able to make a solid relationship and family with someone like that. I’m out.
tammy
i think your doing your best to save this relationship bec you share a child. but really there is nothing left to save i feel. he talks about being like siblings and there is hardly any more intimacy between you guys. you don’t trust him at all. and he seems to be doing nothing to make you feel secure. and u keep having suspicions and doubts. this is not going anywhere. and the sooner you get out the better for you. as others said, pls start seriously thinking of breaking this off and moving ahead in life. pls figure out how, make plans and then leave. nothing left to save here.
Kat
Tammy I know. Sigh.
I went to my parents house after work today and didn’t tell him just like he doesn’t tell me where he goes. I was there for the whole afternoon and was talking things over with my Mom, so already taking steps.
He didn’t contact me at all the whole day. When I got home to where we live together he was not there (no surprise) I did nothing. He then texted me asking where I was that he passed by my work place and did not see my car there. I think that now that I’m mirroring what he does to me he may finally get it. But I have no intention of playing games or to cheat. Infact last night I told him that since he’s not on board to secure this relationship, he can have his password and his privacy, and he can keep his sex too. I’ll never be asking him for that again. So basically I no longer care where he goes or what he does. I am emotionally detaching.
Honesty Rocks
Hi.Honestly i think you should Just rip that band aid off and leave. This is going nowhere. This guy so called bf is scum and hes unashamedly hurting you. Hes not even trying to play along for your sake. Its not easy and it will be difficult and heartbreaking but one year from now you could be happy with a man that adores you and wants to be a father to your child and a supportive partner. Five years from now and still with this guy you will be like you are now miserable, distrusting, unsupported and lonely as hell. Honestly it took me a long time to leave my ex husband because of money issues and other things but I look back now and realise how much I had wasted my life and how much I wish I had left sooner. He wasnt even a cheater it was much more subtle disrespect but disrespect all the same. Good luck I have my fingers crossed for you. x
Nellie
Hi Poppy,
Do you mind if I ask, did you inform the woman he was in a committed relationship with?
tammy
i feel your still stuck some where in the nowhere land. you can try all you want and give him chances but i doubt it will change. this is the way he is. and this is the state of your relationship. he hasn’t done one thing to show hes changed or taken steps to improve his relationship with you. not one change. its good you met your mom and are taking steps to figure how best to leave. but smwhere i hope that’s not because your still hoping by you mirroring his actions he will see the error of his ways.
Cara
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have just ended a 5 year relationship for similar reasons. I didn’t get hard evidence of his cheating but all the circumstantial proof was there. Our sex life went downhill in 2019 and most recently we didn’t have sex for 3 months and came off the pill. He didn’t care. Previously when I brought up the lack of interest in sex he said he was happy with kisses (not passionate) and cuddles. Turns out he was on dating sites and watching porn. He was coming home for work late And school runs took longer than usual. When challenged with the evidence he denied everything and was defensive and evasive. He made no effort. He said he wasn’t on the dating sites but didn’t delete the accounts. He wouldn’t log into them and show me proof of what he was saying.
The main point I want to make is that it is very easy to hide apps and messages on a phone. You can have apps that look like something inconspicuous like financial but when you click on them they take you to whole hidden profile within the phone! Also look up an app called seen,not seen. There are so many apps to facilitate cheating so getting hold of the phone might not give you the answers. If you can get into his Google account then you can go on Maps history and it might show exactly where he has been. Mine had been recording exactly where I had been for years. There is also my activity within google. You can set it to make a record of everything! When he goes on WhatsApp, goes into dialler to make a call, what he searches on Google. Don’t let him know you know. Take photos of everything you see because when you confront him he will delete it a d deny it! I found lots out by going on my exes tablet. Look at his play store. Look at the apps he has downloaded inc those that are not on the device. You may find the hidden ones on the list. I wish you all the best for the future -
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