One day he's falling in love and the next day he's distant

Easier said than done but I would try to give him space. If his feelings scared him he may just need a bit to digest it all. I’d probably just continue to act normal on your end as much as possible and see if he comes around again.

I read a similar post today where she was freaking out because they were now official and she wasn’t sure why she felt that way. It really makes me wonder if guys don’t so this on purpose or at least subconsciously! It’s like they give you the title of girlfriend or say the L word and then back off and see if you’re going to freak out! If you don’t then they’re like…okay I made the right decision. Lol
What I said on the other post was that expectations change once the relationship starts getting to a certain level. If you can show the guy you’re still the amazing girl he was dating and don’t all the sudden start keeping him on a short leash or acting needy or insecure then things will be fine. It’s when we feel the slightest pull away and we start saying…what’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Why didn’t you call or text me within x amount of time? They start getting that needy vibe from us and think where did the girl I was falling in love with go? Why does she think if she hasn’t heard from me in 4 hours that I don’t care about her anymore all the sudden? I mean it sounds ridiculous but that’s what we as women tend to do.

And I really think it happens because the guy starts to relax. He’s thinking things are going great. We’re officially BF/GF, she knows I care about her so I don’t have to try to answer her text in 5 mins because I’m busy right now so I’ll text her later. Then we’re waiting 2 hours on a text saying well he used to get back to me in 5 mins and it took him 2 hours now so he’s getting distant. We freak out and start questioning what’s wrong and the poor guy is left wondering what the he!! happened to his girlfriend!! Now she’s needing reassurance when he feels like he just finished reassuring her by making things official!! He thinks he can relax and stop having to pursue and do all the work and settle into the relationship and we see it as some sign he’s getting distant or pulling back.

Just keep being the same girl you were before he said that. The same girl he’s falling for. Don’t start creating problems when there aren’t any.

The same brain chemistry that causes women to want more closeness after they’ve had a prolonged emotional encounter with a man they love and which gives them a sense of contentment and security, actually stresses men out. After men have had sex with someone who means a lot to them or after they’ve had a “bonding” experience, their testosterone levels drop and it can cause anxiety. It is the opposite for women.

After every “milestone” with my current bf…when we decided to be exclusive, the first time we slept together, our first weekend trip, the first I Love You…I’ve observed him pull back a bit immediately after. Some men have a physiological need to do this. Combine that with how scary it can be for them to expose their hearts and feelings (just as terrifying as it can be for us), and they can easily have their own, special little freak out. They don’t do it the way that we do, by obsessing about why we didn’t text back right away or wondering why we can’t get together until next Thursday. But they a stressed just the same and the way they deal with it is to withdraw until they are once again emotionally and biochemically balanced.

With my bf, I recognized it for what it was, didn’t worry about it and gave him the freedom to “recharge” as needed. He always came right back, better than before and it happens less and less. I’m thinking that this is what’s happening with your bf and if you just relax, allow him this time without worrying and appreciate that this is what makes him a man (YOUR man), he will probably love you all the more for it.

Ladies…. Thanks so much for the advice!

Question tho… When everyone says give him his space and just be myself… I’m not sure exactly what that means. Do I call and text as I normally do and make like nothing is wrong or do I withdraw completely and let him come look for me??

I understand the need of a man to withdraw and deal with his emotions or whatever is troubling him but I am feeling very manipulative and like I’m playing games with this. My normal demeanour is one of being a straight shooter…. I work in a male dominated industry and generally say things to the guys like it is. And they normally do the same with me and each other. So I’m feeling like that is what I want to do here with this situation… But everyone says don’t. So I’ll try it. I don’t like it but I’ll try it.

Just need some pointers on how to give space and be myself at the same time

Btw…we travel on the same bus to work in the morning and he got on this morning, didn’t acknowledge me and didn’t sit with me. What gives???!!

Ok, up until your last comment, I was going to say don’t worry about it and just let him be. I still think that it’s generally normal to withdraw a little and agree with everything Kaye and Kate said about not becoming needy and how guys need to recharge after a milestone in a relationship. I think it would be completely normal for him to withdraw a little after telling you that he’s falling for you.

HOWEVER, what is up with not acknowledging you on the bus? Strange. Are you sure that he saw you??

I think something is up with him. Go back over the conversation where he told you he thought he was falling for you. Do you think he wanted you to say it back?? Do you think you were too cool? If not, then maybe he’s really having a reaction to becoming vulnerable to you. If you don’t hear from him by tomorrow, I would reach out – not in a needy way – but just to say, is everything okay? I would do it in a cute way – like ‘how are you handsome?’ or ‘I miss your handsome face, how are you?’ Something that let’s him know that you think he’s great – just in case he feels hurt by something. Then when you see him in person you can ask him about the bus.

I would not overreact in a defensive way. Try and stay cool and rational about things – because overreacting will not help at this point since you really don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling right now. Most likely, he will come around – but if not, reach out.

OK…the bus thing is just plain weird. Do you have an opportunity to see him face to face or call him? If so, I would and just ask if something is troubling him and tell him you want to support him with whatever it is he’s going through. Don’t lead with the bus situation…if he deny’s that anything’s up, maybe tell him that you were confused as to why he didn’t acknowledge you on the bus.

Ok for him to get on the bus and totally ignore you and not sit with you is not only rude but totally out of character with the fact he tells you he wants to be exclusive! That doesn’t even make good sense. If he doesn’t like commitment and doesn’t want to be obligated in a relationship, then that is going against him saying he didn’t want the two of you to see other people.

You are going to drive yourself crazy analyzing every text and every conversation and we can only speculate as to what is going on in his head. But if you want to get to the bottom of this then you are going to have to talk to him about it.

So I would advise you to stop tiptoeing around the issue and tell him it upset you the way he ignored you on the bus right after he asked you to be exclusive. Ask if there is something you said or did to upset him and see if he will open up. And preferably have this conversation in person, certainly not over text.

I also agree with others, he does need to pull away a little after such a confession, but I agree with Jessica and Options2, ignoring you like that on a bus is RUDE.

I’d reach out to him and say, I saw you on the bus today, did you see me? But do not do it via text. Over the phone or better in person. This is so rude and strange, you need to sort it out. Is he so overwhelmed that he lost absolutely all social senses? Could he feel rejected by you?

Kick him to the curb. He isn’t showing any respect or love or like for you. He tells you he is falling in love with you then ignores you?!? Sounds like he is trying to see how much abuse you are willing to take. People who do weird things, say weird things and act weird,… are weird people. Weird people have weird relationships.

This article could not have come across my path at a better time. I am experiencing the same thing… I wasn’t really looking for a committed relationship but all of a sudden I met somebody who basically told me I was exactly what he wanted and said that he wanted me to be his girl and it made me so happy… that was on Sunday… For the past two days now I feel as if he’s been extremely distant with text messages and I feel like saying I don’t understand you what’s going on but I’m trying to be “normal ” lol. We have plans for this Thursday and he did confirm yesterday that we were still on so I guess we will see… Not sure if I should just wait to see how his reaction is in person or if I shou ask him what is going on. I don’t want to be “that girl “but I’m not the type of girl that likes to mince words either lol . The same situation that I go through every time with guys. Makes me really not want to date anybody ever again . very tired of these games

If you want more feedback you need to start your own threat, do not piggy back to someone else;s from 2 years ago.

I don’t think you did anything drastic. if a man is into you this would not have a huge impact or change his mind about you in any serious way. Women often overreact, men do too actually. They send you some emotional texts so what?

You said what you needed to say, it would have been better to do face to face, but on a large scale of things it doesn’t matter. If a guy is into you, this would not change much.

If you feel that he is withdrawing let him go. You can’t make a person stay. They need to want to stay, you can show ore tell them that you want them to stay, but without forcing things. And definitely without losing your dignity.

At this point, you didn’t do anything terrible, so step back, do not contact him, and try to defocus your mind off him onto other things. Watch something nice, do something interesting, something you like. He’d think about things and if he is into you, he’d be back. If not this is for the best. It really is. Hot and cold, wishy washy shows he is not into you and you need a guy who’d be into you. Do not waste your time on someone who is not both feet in.

He loves you. He told you.

I believe this is a man who was deeply hurt in his recent past and he has not healed that experience.

That is who you love. That is who he is at this time. You need to be patient. He may need counseling. He told you he loved you. It is not about you.

Follow your heart. Don’t think too much. He told you already that this awareness of loving you has frightened him. You need to get to know him. His fear is obviously immense. (which also means he loves you immensely).

Hold the space for him.

Be gentle with him.