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- This topic has 21 replies and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
P.
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P
where I am we are in covid lockdown, can’t travel from your home. I have been on a dating app and logged back in a couple of weeks ago and I had a direct message from someone that was a wow for me.
We are both creatives etc. So we have found a connection straight away. We text and skype chat. It’s early days but I see real potential with our lifestyle, video chat chemistry, etc. We haven’t met in person.
So here is the kicker. I’m 48 and his profile said 47. I look young for my age and so does he. Last night I mentioned for the first time his age and how I was older in a joking way. He then said to me no he was. I was confused and said what? how old are you an he said 52 and that he thought that he had told me? This is all over skype and rather late at night. I was a bit thrown.
Lane
And? 5 up and 5 down…that’s the right *phase* for people your age :o)
P
sorry this site is playing up
P
there is more it’s not letting me post.
he confessed in an email that he actually 57
P
he didn’t want to tell me, but he feels really bad he lied to me. he is 10 years older than his profile stated. He said he panicked.
Lane
Do you want babies? If not, then age really shouldn’t matter unless he’s sickly, then probably not a good prospect.
P
It’s more the lie not the age
Liz Lemon
The OP says she’s 48, so babies aren’t an issue.
In my experience it’s not uncommon for guys 40+ to lie about their ages on dating apps because they want to date younger women. I’m not saying you have to accept it, though. There was another post on this site recently from a woman whose guy confessed he was 10 years older than her, after 5 months of dating! That’s a lot less forgivable to me. You haven’t met this guy yet but he’s come clean. I’d be more inclined to forgive a guy who admitted what he’d done straight away, than someone who had lied to me for months.
Are you ok with dating a guy that age? Have you asked him why he lied?
P
We just got off a video chat. I did ask him. He is a trans male so his dating pool is smaller anyway. But he said it was because at his age there were no matches. This would be very true so I kind of get it. My cut off was 52. We wouldn’t have met. He in no way looks 57.
His profile was looking for friends or ultimately a long term partner. We are quiet caught up in one another. I like him a lot.
Lane
Up to you if you want to proceed by basing it on his age or his qualities? No harm making another friend if you get along that way v. the romantic route.
Newbie
He cleared this up before you two met and he told you why. Thats different to me then the other post. But i wouldnt keep on skyping forever here. It creates a false sentiment of intimacy. I understand you have no other options atm but have you talked about meeting in the near future? Although corona stats are rising fast again, i dont know many place still on full lock down
Sara
This just happand to Me but he told me after a few months of dating. I was very upset, especially about the lie. You haven’t met yet so you it will give you an easier time to decide if it bothers you or not. I gave my self time and decide age aside everything else was going great and why give up on something because of that. I did let him know I do not like lies and told him this was his one chance to come clean about anything and everything. I don’t think 47-58 is that big of a deal. If your happy with how things are and want to progress do it. Just make sure you have decided if it will bother you going forward or not. Good luck
Newbie
I think 11 years is a lot. I was into older men when i was younger but im glad i got over that. At least men die sooner so that helps
P
Thanks for great advice. I’m feeling better about it.
We are in Melbourne Australia. Stage 4 lockdown. We live more than 5km apart so we can’t meet for a walk etc. We will be heavily fined if we are caught more than %km from our homes. We are not allowed to leave our homes between 8pm – 5 am.
4.5 more weeks of lockdown hopefully. He has discussed meeting a lot. Made a date for the day the lockdown ends.We are texting, skyping etc. I know it brings false intimacy but it’s better than just text.
P
newbie, it’s 10 years or 9.5 technicaly.
ANM StaffKeymasterModerator update: Hi P – I’m sorry you had trouble posting your updates earlier. The forum software has a “bad word” list, and it hides content that uses those words (like “sh*t”). Unfortunately the software is a bit limited, so it doesn’t make it clear that’s what’s happening. Anyway – if you just censor that word, then it should let your posts go through. Again, sorry about that!
P
I have another question about this guy. We do a lot of texting and video chatting so he has seen my environment and me, for hours. We talk about us, art, life, COVID, movies everything. He is always talking about us. I feel that he is very sincere.
So what is bugging me is that he sends me lots of photos of himself. Not nudes, but of himself riding his bike etc. I’m not like that. But, he does have photos of me, 8-10 but he keeps wanting more.
But he has also said that he wouldn’t mind more intimate photos and I have said a hard-line NO. We haven’t met. We have been chatting since the latest lockdown. He is fine with that but said he would like us to share them after we meet and seeing one another.
I’m not into this at all, and I haven’t held back in saying no. But it makes me feel uncomfortable that he has mentioned it more than once. An example being he has said he hasn’t come across someone that hasn’t shared photos of themself before, that women blow up your phone with them to get a guys attention. That he respects that I say no and finds it attractive but he still finds it odd and he still wants them though.
Can I have some thoughts on this, please. It’s the only thing that waves a warning at me so far. It’s my body and I share it only in person. Is that so oldfashioned?
Newbie
To me it shows he is seasoned in chatting and collecting pics. That is an orange flag. He could be e-Tethering you. For some people lockdown is a blessing. Did he have any recent relationships? After having surgery, assuming he had surgery. I would be very wary honestly. Go chat up some other guys as well
P
He transitioned 10 years ago. He finished a 9 year relationship last year…
It’s hard with covid all we have is online. We mostly talk about our past lives, and what we are drawing or working on. I seem a more seasoned dater than him as he has mostly been in a relationship. He talks a lot about his sisters who he is close to. One of them is quiet connected with a lot of people I know.
I feel good about this. He is very easy to talk things through with. I’ve not met another man online like him. It doesn’t seem like e tethering as he at the moment at least is in constant contact. Showing me photos of his stuff, life etc … most guys I’ve found not to do this. They just show you themselves and I don’t hang around for that.
P
I should also say that he seems to like to randomly Skype and we both draw and talk for hours. It’s like spending the afternoon just hanging out together.
My only concern is he is struggling in lockdown and he is only connecting because he is living alone. But I feel that if I just enjoy this knowing that it might not pan out then that’s not a bad thing ?
T from NY
I agree your best bet is to enjoy his interactions as a possible virtual lockdown fling. You haven’t met, and if you do end up meeting, you’re gonna need to care WAY less about his potential until he proves himself and eventually asks you to be his girlfriend. There are yellow/orange flags. He is only one year out of a 9 year long term relationship. For some men, not to mention a trans person whose only had one long term relationship since his transition, it takes more time than that to be really ready despite anything they say. He lied about something already. Yes it’s understandable why. But just take note. He asked more than once for intimate pics – then even went so far to give an explanation that it’s different because other women do yada yada yada. Who gives a crap what other women do?! I tell dudes I ONLY consider sending sexy pics if a guy is my boyfriend. I don’t give out spank bank pics unless I’ve developed a level of emotional and physical safety.
So remember just to have FUN and have ZERO expectations from any man you’re dating until you’ve decided if they make you happy enough, prove their character enough, are consistent and their words and actions match enough. Watch to see their reaction when you don’t agree with them, when you don’t do what they want you to do, if they have their own life and allow you yours etc. It’s fun to have a connection! As one dating coach said about the beginning stages of dating “Go ahead and sit on his lap – but keep your heart locked up in the trunk of your car.”
P
T from NY thank you ! Always such good non judgmental advice :)
Totally agree. The best thing I have learnt is that I can say no and I don’t back down. Decided if he brings up the picture thing again I tells me he doesn’t respect boundaries and I will just walk. I’m really happy single, so no loss really.
He did say that he won’t be asking for photos of me at all anymore as it’s too hard and he will be happy just to see me on Skype. I do wonder if guys just try it on to see what the women they are talking to will accept.
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