Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › On/off relationship – he's broken my heart again
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may.
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Jane
Hello all, I would really appreciate some advice I’m heart broken and don’t know what to do. My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time……
I was with my ex for 3 years, I’m 26 and so is he, he was in a long term relationship with his ex for about 7 years on & off before we start our relationship. I too was in in a long term relationship for 5 years.
I’ll try and keep this short but I want to explain what happen in hopes that someone can help me through this. So we were together for a year and 10 months before he ended things the first time. Leading up to the first break up I devoted all my time in this guy, even moved cities, away from friends and family to be with him. I ought to let you know I was only really with him for 3 months before I moved in with him – quick I know – anyways, our relationship was good but there was definitely rocky moments too. He hurt me a couples of times by texting his ex and receiving naked photos of her. I forgave him for every crappy thing he did to me and things started to get better.
We continued our relationship and everything was going fine until he broke up with me the first time. He reasons for breaking up with me that time was because he says he didn’t see a future with me. we broke up only for a little while before he came back to me saying he made a mistake. So everything was good again until 3 months down the line he broke up with me again. This time he said he wasn’t happy in himself and his life wasn’t where he expected it to be. He said he loved and cared for me but felt like her needed to start over. So I said I’d be there for him as a friend, we were apart for about a month before he eventually said he can’t do this without me and wanted me back for the second time. I forgave him and we started going out again.
So we carry on as normal and again, 3 months down the line he’s ended things saying that he wanted kids by the age of 30 and didn’t think I could give him that as I was going back to college to better mine and his’ future. I again tried to stay away and move on, I didn’t text him or speak to him. He then started to text me trying to find out how I was and everything. We were apart for 2 months this time. He then sent me a long text saying that he messed up and he knows he wanted to be with me and that he was sorry. I was really apprehensive and reluctant to take him back so I told him that things had to change and that I couldn’t keep doing this. He agreed and promised things would change.
Things started to get better again and I started to trust him again, I didn’t move back in with him this time as I wanted to protect myself. I started to take a bit more control over the situation and things were a little more on my terms, he asked me to move in and I said no, made an effort to go out and see my friends a couple of nights a week and didn’t stay over his every night. So this time it took hime 6 months to end things. this time he said he wants to be on his own and doesn’t want a relationship.
It feels different this time and I don’t think will come back, I tried to get answers from him but he says he doesn’t have anymore to say but wants to be alone. I’m finding this all really hard to understand, I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it. Please help me am so broken right now. I love him and care about him so much.
Do you think he doesn’t want to be with me or just not in a relationship with anyone??
Any advice would be great right now xx
Bee
I think everyone deserves to be in a
relationship where they feel both valued
and safe–and it’s really hard to feel
that way in a relationship where the
other person keeps leaving, even if they
usually come back.
You should be realistic about your
choices: you can stay with a guy who’s
not quite sure about whether he wants
to be with you or not, or leave (scary, I
know!) and try to find someone who’s
100% positive that you are wonderful
and who can’t imagine being without
you.
I recently ended a long-term relationship
where my boyfriend kept freaking out
about our future and completely
absenting himself emotionally from our
relationship for long stretches of time, so
I know how hard it is to finally end the
cycle of fighting/making up in order to
take that leap of faith that you can find
a healthier, happier relationship. But, for
me, devastating as the break-up has
been, I have a feeling of personal peace
and freedom now that I hadn’t had in a
*long* time. Like I said, think seriously
about what your options really are…soni
what is your role in all of this? what do you want? so far it has been only what he wants. he comes and goes as he pleases. and you always take him back. why?? maybe he is taking you for granted? he knows u will be there ready to accept him whenever no matter what??
it seems you have started taking a little control of your life. that’s gud. u don’t need him. he needs u. he cant seek to make up his mind. do you want to keep going through this? and for how long? think about U and what U want for once.
Jane
Thank you both for your response. I know the best thing is to accept his decision but I can’t. I don’t understand why someone would keep running back to me? I’m really hurting and I think it’s because like I said in the past when he broke up with me he would still talk to me but this time he’s shot me down and wouldn’t answer anything I asked. He just responded with ‘I don’t want this and I want to be on my alone to think about everything and sort things out and he said he can’t talk to me when he’s feeling like this’.
I forgot to mention we work together, I’ve blocked him on everything i.e facebook, whatsapp, instagram but I can’t cope with seeing him everyday :(
He seems to be fine about everything, laughing and joking at work and it’s killing me. Do you think he cares at all about me or is even hurting?
I have never broken up with him and I do think sometimes, why do I do this to myself but I follow with my heart and I love him dearly. I want to move on but I’m not ready to let go… what would you do in my sitiuation??
soni
I would accept its over. not because that’s what he decided. but because u have decided you will not be taken for granted again by him and u deserve better in life and 100 % love of your man.
Yes its good I think that you follow your heart but at times logic should also be given preference. y should u be with a guy who keeps walking out on you? and who each time has a new excuse??
of course it will hurt. and hurt a lot. accept that. go through your hurt cry and be miserable. but please get it in your head accept it in your head that its over. do not try to get in touch again or beg him to explain. please don’t do that. u need to stay strong and have some self respect. till you decide that you want to be treated better and loved for who u are, you wont be.
I will look back and think I did my best and gave my all but if it was not meant to be then that’s that..no regrets please cause u gave him many chances now you need to realise that enough is enough.
anyways he doesn’t want to talk to you. he has broken off. let him go. hes not worth so much pain and hurt.
Pasito
You are saying you are still in love with him, and I think you need time to get over this break up, if it really is a break up this time. I think the other times you never really felt the finality of the break ups with him because he kept coming back, and so this one doesn’t feel final for you yet, either. But he won’t talk to you at all, and he won’t give you any ‘reasons’, so maybe it really, truly is over this time.
It’s really unfair of him by the way to keep doing this to you because this time now that it’s final it’ll take you that much longer to get over it…
Anyways you definitely need to give yourself time to get over it.
Bee
Reject me once, shame on you. Reject me twice,
shame on me, but I can chalk it up to giving them
the benefit of the doubt and another chance.
Reject me anymore than that and it’s time to get
off the relationship crack. Seriously.
If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one
too many times but to go beyond that, you have
to ask yourself 1) what the frick you’re trying to
achieve and 2) what the hell is so special about
them that you would give them the option of
rejecting you again?!
Forming part of the overall core boundaries that
every person should live by that , in essence, you must have some
pride and stop pursuing people that have both
directly and passively rejected you.Do not force yourself and your love on
anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince
them of your greatness and from the
moment you let someone reject you more
than once, you’re saying ‘You’re free to
reject me again! Come back and have a go
when you’re ready!’When you keep pursuing somebody who hasbroken up with you, it’s because you’re trying tostem the loss of the relationship and the sting of rejection by getting attention so that you can feel validated. The breakup may have triggered old abandonment issues
and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any
attention and validation you get is short-lived and
you have to start the breakup process all over
again. Of course, if you won’t heed the signs that
someone isn’t interested or is halfhearted in their
interest (neither are good enough), you won’t
even start to process the breakup because you’ll
be too busy pursuing them!
You may not know it yet, but you have more self-
respect than this, or at least you will if you learn
to have some boundaries.from baggage reclaim……great insight s.
soni
that’s a great post by Bree.. well said and covered almost everything. yes I wonder what makes us so weak at times to keep chasing a man even when he’s told us he doesn’t want us nor love us unequivocally..
soni
sorry bee. also I have gone through the site. baggage reclaim and really liked the observations made in some of the articles. recommended for sure.
may
Apply for a job in another city immediately. The situation is toxic. You need a fresh start. You are wasting your youth, life and looks on this guy. I’d say he breaks up with you just so he can try other women and have affairs. Get back to your family or a whole new exciting situation. He is a soul sucking monster!
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