Out of the blue break up, everything was perfect

First of all. I’m sorry you are hurting. Please look up stages of men falling in love. There are a lot of articles about it. Basically 5-7 steps. But this all makes sense when you consider how men fall in love. He probably wanted it to work out as much as you did. But he was HONORABLE in telling you his true feelings and you should BELIEVE him, because no man who’s serious about a woman, or wants a future with her, would risk saying it if he didn’t mean it.

The trouble is – men’s biology prompts them to woo and court a woman, get her to love him, then settle in, ONLY THEN ask themselves if they can see a future with the woman. Although some men know very early and therefore the progression LOOKS the same as the man who’s just following his biology – but then at the 3-6 month mark, the real questions bubble up in him and his heart finally answers. Womens process is quite the opposite. Because if they are progressing, they are usually already confident they see something long term.

And so it’s completely typical that he break it off now. He probably thinks you’re great, respects you, went along for as long as he did because he WANTED to feel for you what he should to move forward – but in the end – he didn’t. Sure he could miss you and come back. But that’s rare, and mostly in the movies. Grieve this. Tend to you. It happens to us all. You’ll be okay that I promise you. Be thankful he was honest. Gives you space for the guy who won’t walk away in the future.

Hi A
I am really sorry this happened and I do agree with T that men after a few months do ask that question “is this the person I want to be with”. Unfortunately I also believe when things go too fast it does damper any chance of long term unless you slow things down. Assuming a few months means 2-3 months you were dating it appears you guys went extremely quickly with him already speaking about moving in. However I do feel men tend to do these things to kind of get a reaction from us. Like will she say yes or will she say no because I know deep down this is way too fast! My suggestion to you is do no take this as you did anything wrong, this is on him. I don’t think there was anything different that you could have done to make him want to stay. I am a believer of “things happen for a reason” and maybe he will come back but by then you will be the one to decide if you want him. Dating for a few months and having this happen is a lot better then dating for 2-3 years and then they pull the rug. So take this as a good sign. You will over come this. I had a similar experience after 2 months the guy told me he wasn’t ready so we parted ways. I did not communicate with him and several months later he came back wanting to try again and I was not interested. You will find someone who truly cares and believe me there will be no questions about their feelings.

Hey A,

I’m actually going through a very similar thing. 2 weeks into the breakup. I tried to have a conversation for “clarity” or “closure” to see if maybe there was hope for his mind to change, but sadly there’s not. It’s heartbreaking but I don’t think you should wait around for your ex to come back. No matter how long he thought about it, he thought long enough to make the decision to end it. I would really recommend not being friends though. I did that in a past relationship and it was very confusing for my heart and my process of moving on. For whatever reason guys future fake to make us get attached and then realize that wasn’t really what they wanted. It sucks but it has nothing to do with us! Hoping the best for your heart!

I don’t think you sound pathetic. I think you sound like someone who is heartbroken and I can relate to that. But I truly don’t think you should contact him again asking him for another chance for a few reasons. (1) you can’t force someone to fall in love with you no matter how much you are in love with them because it’ll never be genuine on their end (2) you shouldn’t have to do that (3) if he truly feels like he may have made a mistake it’s his job to come back and ask you for a second chance (and vice versa if it was the other way around). (4) You have to remember that you are also “worth it” too. You deserve someone who believes that and it’s no one’s fault that he changed his mind even if it hurts. regardless the only real option for you now is to begin the healing and moving on process. I know it’s hard, but you can’t worry about whether or not he’ll come back.

OP I’m so sorry to hear! I can definitely relate. I was in, what I saw as, a happy and secure relationship and we’d just hit our anniversary mark. A few days later, he said he wasn’t ready for commitment – despite being in a committed relationship for a long period of time. All of a sudden my world collapsed.

He expressed that whilst he still loved and cared for me, he had personal issues and anxieties that he needed to work on in order to love openly. The classic, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. I can’t help but feel so hurt, betrayed and undervalued. It has come as a massive shock and I’m finding it so hard to process. I feel so stupid.

Of course, I respect the fact that he didn’t want to be disingenuous, but I’m so mad that it took this long for him to realise and do so at a point where it felt like we were at the peak and happiest in our relationship. We were so good.

I can’t help but feel that there is more to the story, but I just have to accept it as it is. He wants to be friends but I may just have to pass on the offer. It’s heartbreaking, but the pain won’t last and things will get better.

OP – I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, we will definitely make it through. I’m glad my partner didn’t wait for a year and did it earlier on, I can imagine how much more damage that would do.

Might I add, I found a helpful dating coach. He says short useful encouraging words @benjamindaly on Instagram. You should, and others going through a tough heart break, check him out.

Angiebaby – your message came off a little rude but I still thank you for putting time to respond.
However, I have to disagree with him not genuinely loving me. I don’t believe it was infactuation with him, I’ve experienced that before and this was different. I think you can fall in love with a short periods time. I do agree with the first part though, it would be a bit silly and emotional of me to ask for a chance to make him fall in love. That wouldn’t be natural or deserving of me.

He can only offer friendship because he cannot promise the unknown – that’s where I remain in my confused, do I stay hopeful bubble.

A, i see you looking on other posts to figure out if there is hope. But there is a big distinction between a 6 months and on relationship and a 3 month one. The longer it lasted the higher the change the guy will miss it.
Although you read 7 stages a guy falls in love, you are in denial about what it means for your guy. And i dont find that odd because he was so full on in first few months. But he did fell out of love. All of his own choice he decided not to pursue you any longer. And from that perspective you need to develop the notion that you dont want a guy who doesnt want you. What if he does come back? And then after two months his mental health issues (there must be really millions of guys with mental health issues right around the time they break up while i barely ever meet a man who says he has mental health isssues. Where do they come from?) come back. I can tell you right now what will happen: you will get a bad case of anxiety thinking he will dump you again. Because thats what he did: he dumped you. He broke your trust. So he wasnt perfect for you.
Im really sorry you got blindsighted by this but do remember this was just 3 months so you will grieve and heal. Take care

A, I’m not trying to be rude, I’m trying to get you to wake up because you’re pretty delusional right now and you’re cruising to get more hurt than you already are. You’re taking his word as the truth. At this point he’s saying whatever he can to let you down easy and you’re unfortunately taking hope from it.

We disagree on love vs infatuation. In my book, in and out of love in three months just isn’t real. But I get that you don’t see it that way. Whatever the case was here, he’s out. Read this site. Men do this all the time. At the 3-4 month mark, they make a decision about whether they see a future. We as women tend to decide on a man more quickly and we take him at his word and go all in within the first month. The guys are slower. And then we get blindsided and devastated.

I think you texted him just right and he really should be leaving you alone at this point. He probably feels very guilty right now. But he did the right thing to tell you sooner rather than later. The longer this went the more devastating it would be to you.

You aren’t doing yourself any favors by staying in a “hopeful bubble.” He ended it. Stay no contact and grieve and you will be able to move on soon.

The lesson here – slow the roll if a man goes this fast in the future because it’s probably not for real.

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. We don’t know if he will change his mind. Just because you thought things were going well doesn’t mean the other person agrees. He broke up with you for a reason. There is no way to know what that was or if he will come back. Try not to ruminate. Someone who dumps you is, by definition, not a good partner.