Out of the mouths of men-how walking away can actually make it work

Yup, so many women think if they just wait patiently, the world will all change and suddenly work in their favor. Um…no. A man tells you he wants FWB, you don’t, so you walk away. The moment you give some dude SPECIAL TREATMENT by allowing casual sex, being nice, doing favors, waiting patiently, etc etc etc….that’s the moment you sell your soul. Your integrity is shot at that point so guess what….nobody wants you. At least not in the morning.

Kaye,
I’m glad to hear that things are working out for you and your boyfriend.
I hope you two continue to grow and build an even stronger connection.

So true.

I think LL has hit upon a Universal Truth here:

“See I think the way men work, they NEVER WANT “serious”. They hate that. They only don’t hate it…they only agree to do it…when they HAVE TO and feel inspired to because the woman has THAT MUCH VALUE.”

She’s right, no smart man ever wants “serious” the first time they talk to a woman or go out on a date with her. Only the emotionally unintelligent ones want a serious relationship right away…and they are the ones who pull the old houdini trick on you.

The reason guys don’t want a serious relationship right away is very smart. It keeps them from spending time and money on the emotionally unintelligent women who are commonly termed as “clingy/needy” or “psycho stalker”….

Great discussion. Thanks for the helpful hints! Makes sense! Good Luck!

Kaye,

Do you think that the key was also that you were genuinely ready to walk away from your boyfriend and that he sensed you were serious about that? I have found that many of my girlfriends who have broken up with men have done a sort of half committed job of it where they still keep a large part of their lives open for the possibility of the man’s return. Do you think they can sense when we are truly serious about moving forward and then perhaps that is the catalyst that leads them to reevaluate their feelings? Sorry if that sounded a bit confusing, lol.

Bluedream8,

Yes, I think it was key that he knew I was serious when I walked away. I don’t think I made a mistake by being friends with him and hanging out after the breakup because I needed to show him I had learned from my mistakes and I wasn’t going to be this needy insecure girl freaking out on him if he couldn’t text me for a few hours. But it made it too easy for him to go from friends to seeing me intimately again without giving me any kind of commitment like I wanted. We could go from friends to FWB pretty easy. So I had to walk away to make it clear I wanted a relationship. And I did date other guys and he found out so I think that helped a lot too. He knew I was moving on and not waiting on him to step up.

Em,

Thank you for your comments. I sure could have used a pat on the back then! I didn’t see or hear from him for 6 weeks and because I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him he took me at my word. He’s a stubborn man and I really hurt his ego when I walked away. He told me he respected my wishes so he didn’t contact me. So I really did think it was over. It was a case of divine intervention that we ran into each other after that time. :)

Leila – did your boyfriend ghosted you for a few days? without an explanation? how long have you been together? was he testing you? why did he do that, did he explain when he came back?

Great that you did NOT contact him during that time btw. For various reasons, but I am interested in knowing why you “took him back”.

Hi Maria,
No, my boyfriend did not ghost on me. He was having a bad week and was not being very responsive to my texts so I left him alone rather than bombarding him with texts asking him what was going on and freaking out. After a couple of days, he sent me a text apologizing for being distant and that it was a bad week for him. I just responded with, “take your time, I’m not going anywhere.” We usually spend our weekends together because we live an hour apart from each other. Well, he had to leave town to go to his parents (one of the stressors he has been dealing with) at the last minute and told me Friday afternoon. Again, instead of being angry or freaking out, I told him I was going to take advantage of the free weekend to visit with some friends out of town. Later that night he sent me a very sweet text thanking me for being so patient and understanding, and acknowledging how disappointing it must’ve been for me. I told him not to worry about it and I couldn’t wait to see him on Sunday. The important part for me was that I meant what I said, and I haven’t felt any resentment towards him. Because I give him his space, his love for me continues to grow stronger. I can feel it between us.

The background is that we’ve been dating for 4 months but we’ve known each other for over 12 years. He has always been very responsive and attentive since day 1, so allowing him that time to himself easy for me. I trust him 110% because I know how he feels about me. My fears and anxiety would only come from me and it would only harm things if I chose to act on them.

Kaye,

Yes thanks for sharing! It’s so hard to not have open possibities hoping the guy returns but that is true high value woman actions, you walk not just talk lol. So many women fault on it and even if the man doesn’t return she’s NOT GOING TO BE TREATED THAT WAY! Being high value is the only thing and no matter how hard it is to leave to fear that you’ll be alone. When you want love, you are open to all possibility and take the risks needed to do so. Yes, you’ll be sad but the risks are worth it in the end.

Kaye is right. I’ve had several exes come back, and the one thing in common is…everyone of them told me how much they respect me, and love that I respect myself and won’t take crap from them. I am not mean, but I am very firm.

Some guys have made the mistake of thinking that because I’m usually laid back and “sweet” as they put it, that I’m going to be a pushover.

Then if they try to take advantage or disrespect me, they see a whole other side. It’s the “kickin ass and takin’ names” side.

I will walk away, and have walked away without looking back. The man I consider the love of my life, came back to me years later and was ready to commit very quickly. He knew what he wanted and didn’t want to lose me. Unfortunately, as much as I still love him, love isn’t enough when there are certain issues.

I broke up with him right before Christmas. Things came to a head with his wacko ex-wife, and he just cant seem to set healthy boundaries with her.

He still reaches out to me, and if I were weak enough to cave, I’m sure we’d be back together. But for my sanity and self-respect I can’t. He needs to get his house in order so to speak, without me in it.

It truly sucks, but I’ve learned to set my own healthy boundaries. If there is anything I’ve learned, we HAVE to be happy on our own, or you will accept any nonsense a man offers. When you make your own life, you become strong enough to wait for what you really need and want,& you are able let go of (move on) from the rest.

I find it interesting that many women think all men are relationship/commitment phobes. That has not been my experience. Most of my BF’s have wanted a relationship and let me know in short order. Maybe it’s more about the screening process? I don’t know.

I still wonder if I will ever feel ready to give my heart to someone else, it’s still his. Not that he knows that, I won’t talk to him, so we can both try to move on. But I’m not settling and I’m not dating until I can give someone else my whole heart, not just pieces of it.

In the meantime, I’m ok and comfortable enough with me to be single.

I love the comments in this post. Wanted to share my two bits worth.

Walking away keeps your self-respect and esteem intact, especially if you and the man want different things. However, it does not bring back the man in all cases, if this is a plan to hopefully have him place a higher value on you.

In my case I broke up with my ex BF several times but always went back to him (in retrospect wrong move!). He would expect it and take me for granted. I broke up with him for good 5 months ago and have not heard one word from him. It was a mistake on my part to keep going back as he never took my leaving seriously. In my case, walking away for good the last time did not increase my value to him at all. The right way to do it would have been when I broke it off the first time – keep walking and never turn back.

I do agree in some cases that if you do walk away and do it properly, the guy may realize what he has lost and commit.