Out of the mouths of men-how walking away can actually make it work

Thankyou ladies for you support.

Although I am hoping he will contact me, I am very serious about this. It took me 4 months to build up to this. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Especially when he told me I was his soul mate. I am having good and bad moments, but I am keeping busy and I know I will not cave in.

Just know this… Walking away is not a ploy to get a man back.

Just as no contact is not a ploy to get someone back.

The purpose of both is to get YOURSELF back.

You have to fix the most important relationship, before you will have success in all your relationships. That relationship is the one you have with YOU.

You must love, like and respect yourself before you can be with another.

Tbe reason they may come back (if they are serious & not just messing around) is because they see you valuing yourself and that is so attractive.

Others value us by how much we value ourselves. We teach people how to treat us by how we act and treat ourselves, and what we allow.

That’s why they say men love bitches. They don’t really love a bitchy woman, but they do love the independence, strength, self reliance, and self worth of a woman who knows her value. That’s the difference

This is so true. Thanks so much x

Timing is definitely crucial. Thinking back to the relationships I ended, I stayed in them entirely too long hoping that things would change. I wasn’t getting what I wanted but I didn’t value my self enough to walk when it was clear things were not going to get better. By the time I was ready to leave, I was done with them and had lost any romantic feelings. Each time they came back and pursued me claiming that they would do whatever I wanted them to do. But in two of the three cases it was too late, the damage had been done. If I had left those relationships earlier, there may have been a chance to get back together and make it work. In the third case, we parted as friends and although he wants to get back together, he still has a lot of work to do before I would even consider it. I’m not waiting around for him and I have moved on but we remain friends.

I think it comes down to intent and sincerity. Guys figure out very quickly when you say something and you have no intention of backing it up with action.

In fact, this is a required parenting skill. You don’t threaten a punishment or a consequence and fail to follow through. You are better off saying nothing if you don’t mean it, and aren’t serious about taking action.

Why? Because as humans we all know that words without action mean nothing. We know a doormat when we see one, because they may make a lot of noise (whining, complaining, yelling) but in the end they will DO nothing.

No one respects a person who yells and screams (or even calmly expresses themselves)saying they won’t tolerate something, yet continues to do so.

It’s the same thing with needy feelings. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think that you are acting needy. I guarantee you that if you are in a needy state of mind, men can both smell and sense that a mile away!

So what you do you? You spend the time working on yourself. Get involved in activities, cultivate friendships outside the relationship, have hobbies and passions that are your own, that you can do with or without your BF. The way to successful relationships are to have a truly fulfilling life without a man. They are an addon and a bonus. Not the focus.

And for any of you that doubt how important it is for a man to feel respected and to fully respect and admire the woman in his life…read male forums and read advice from men. Men equate respect with love. In other words, they can’t have one without the other. Unless they are a complete loser themselves and have no respect for themselves. Please don’t want or accept a guy like that!

Will a man that said he doesn’t want a long term relationship and no feelings for me come back? I asked him to stay away from me, to forget about me and not to look for me… I think he is gone…right?

It’s always worked for me, the problem lately is that I no longer want them when they dare to come back because I move on and I find them walking away extremely unattractive.

lot of the thoughts shared here were insightful.

-I fully agree that continuing to break up is not a solution, it leads to one of those toxic relationships. That was the reason I told my BF when we got back together that it is his second and last chance and if he messes it up it is over for good. I meant that. This also means that I am not throwing fits although I never did it frequently, did occasionally especially during PMS. It also means not dumping him left and right (this is something I have had to learn) because the second chance was the last I said I would give it so there better be a good reason if I end it because then it is good. I am not going to make a fool of myself as then no, no one will take me seriously. I have never even done a full second round after a complete BU, so this is new to me. Either we can relate to each other differently or there is no point and because we want to continue, we both are more committed to working through issues, which he was really closed off to before.

-I disagree on patience, being patient is a virtue, being patient is something men appreciate. You have to ask directly in a feminine way for things you want to have but then you only ask it once. No pushing. Patience does not equal settling for less.

– The two month wait was not true in my case, it took over three months. He did want to get back once after a month but then he fooled with me so that was when he got blocked and while it is true that he started really showing an effort around two months, it took more than a month for me to give him a chance as I was really finished with him at that point.

-My BF also wanted to take it slower, I was like even slower??? But I really hurt him too. The first month I thought I was getting less than before, it was really making me tense, I did not want an FWB. It took him over a month to really know that he had to put in a very serious effort because he too wanted long-term but wanted to make sure he can do that. From that point on he has done a lot more than during the first round and things have been entirely different. Men are slow with commitment of any form, even commitment inside them and that has to be decided inside first.

-It is very true that walking away as a manipulation tactic never works. Men sense it and hate it too. They also sense when you are really gone. When I was emotionally gone, fully closed it in me that was when my BF freaked and he must have sensed it. I also walked away with the intention to really walk, as much as I had loved him, I hated him behaving the way he did at the end and did not like the person he became at all. I thought that I had loved someone that never existed. I think this also really hurt him because he always wanted to show me his best side as I inspired him and he thought of me as someone who was a very good person and he said that he could not live with himself if I thought of him badly because there are people whose opinion does not matter to him but mine really did.

Hi everyone,
This is all very new to me but I have read some of the existing posts on here and found it really helpful and also saw the great advice and experiences some of you share so I thought I would give it a go.
I started dating someone I met online although I know how seedy many will consider this it was not like that at all. We spent a lot of time getting to know one another prior to meeting and knew it was going great straight away.
We became inseparable pretty quickly and there was no reason for us to not work out I saw no red flags at all. It seemed to naturally progress where we got very involved in each other’s lives. 2 months in he started to act very strange we had a situation which he seemed to use as an excuse. Constantly saying he’s confused about what he wants yet can’t let go, I’m the best thing to happen to him etc yet wouldn’t see me. His excuses just weren’t adding up.
Eventually we got to the point when he told me his ex (a co worker) had come back after previously leaving with no explanation and he has feelings for her. (Still saying he has feelings for me as far as loves me) therefore wouldn’t be fair for our relationship to continue atm.
I know this is wrong and I ended it saying I wanted no part in this calling him out on all his lies over the previous few weeks to which there was no response other then self pity.
I have stayed away almost a month but feel as though it is getting no easier. The relationship was perfect and I know a lot of it is the manipulation by saying things to keep me hanging on but I just don’t know how to get over this. It was such a crushing experience leaving me humiliated and just so very lost.
Do I try to get back in touch for my sanity? So much feels so unresolved the connection even to the end felt too intense for this to be the end.

Thanks for sharing all of these stories.

I started seeing someone about 4 months ago. I have such an amazing time with him, I like him a lot, but he never brought up an exclusive relationship. It always seemed like it would happen, but never did. So I finally asked him directly, and told him honestly how I felt about him (all good stuff) but that I needed to know where he stood. He said he liked me, thought I was wonderful, didn’t want to stop seeing me, but also, didn’t want an exclusive relationship yet with me because he didn’t feel “excited” about it. Maybe in the future, but not now. He also said I was the nicest human being he has ever met. I told him I would see him, exclusively, but not casually. This happened just today. It is so hard to leave, however, how can I stay and just be his friend when I want more? And, be in a casual relationship and “wait”? Both would ruin my self esteem. So, I’m sad, and I’m committed to moving on. Who knows what will happen.

Thank you to all who have shared in this thread. Kaye your experiences and how you had the strength to take the risk of losing the man you love inspires me to take the leap. After all, the most I will lose is a man who loves me when he’s with me, but treats me as if I don’t exist when he isn’t, which is most of the time. As much as I love him and have for 12 years, I am worthy of so much more & it is all waiting for me. Thank you & best wishes to each of you who have shared.

Hi,everyone!
Have just been reading all your stories and felt like sharing mine with you guys.
So,I met this man one night,6 months ago,he’s a musician and we hit it off straight away. The next day,he asked me on Facebook.That was when it all started. Every morning early,without fail,he would initiate a quick conversation to say hi and then often just leave the conversation with no warning,leaving me wondering where he’d gone. In the beginning,I wasn’t smitten,so it was all very casual,I would be pretty dismissive but he kind of liked that. After 1 month of talking everyday,nothing deep,always him initiating contact,I found out that he had a girlfriend.I was really annoyed at him,even though we weren’t anything,just flirting a bit.He told me that they’d been seperated and had got back together just for their little girl,because when they broke up,she wouldn’t let him see her. We continued talking for two months after that and then he asked me if he could come see me because he needed help with some of his songs in English on his latest album (he’s French and I’m a translator).I said ok.When he got to mine,the chemistry was unreal. We were very close,kept touching one another,hugs,nothing sexual but it was there…6 hours later and I told him I needed to sleep,that he should go home. Letting him go that night was the hardest thing ever,and for him too. We spoke after and I told him the truth,that I’d felt it too but he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t going there,I wasn’t going to become ‘that’ girl. He said that she’d thrown him out,that they kept on fighting,that he wasn’t happy in the relationship and yet he was with me.A week later,he came back and I caved. I’d been on my own for a year now,so I’d missed feeling wanted and loved,and we were just so good together. We slept together and it was beautiful.So connected. That was on the 31st of August.After that,he’d write (never phone) and say ‘hey beautiful’…not much else,and a week later we were supposed to see each other. I was so happy. But he never came and didn’t write to say he wasn’t coming. I got mad and sent him a message saying that it wasn’t ok for him to not let me know that our plans had changed and that I thought it was best if we left it at that.He wrote back giving me another excuse (which are all plausible) and said that he would respect the fact that I didn’t want to continue like this anymore. A week later,not even,he started again,saying hi early in the morning,etc. He would ask me if I was at my place,and if I said yes,why?,thinking he was going to come over,he would just say ‘for no reason,just wondering where you were’.I got so fed up of this behaviour,but as soon as he would push me to my limits,he’d come back saying something so sweet that I fell for it again.Anyhow,to cut a long story short,last night he was supposed to come to my place. I cooked a good meal,cleaned my whole place up,shaved,did my make up…everything to seem effortlessly perfect when he arrived!!!We’d been talking about him coming all weekend and even that morning. I was so looking forwards to finally having him to myself,face to face. And an hour before the rendez vous,he wrote a short messag saying that he could come,that he was really upset but he had a guitar lesson to give,bla bla bla. And something just broke inside of me. He didn’t even reply to me answering him and still hasn’t. So I unfriended him off Facebook which is our biggest form of communication and wrote a small message wishing him the best but just said that this was not doing anything for me anymore.He hasn’t written back…and he probably will,but I need to be strong and stop living this fantasy relationship in my head based on some amazing chemistry,that we all know isn’t love. I am not expecting anything to change,but I will just say this,us girls are suckers for words and we want to believe that the guy we like will see sense and love only us. But guys aren’t as affected by words as us. They are more spur of the moment, visual creatures. If a guy hasn’t manifested that he wants to be with you after 3 months,it’s time to walk away. And stop giving them this tremendous ego boost og being able to keep you hanging,exactly where they want you to be. I sincerely hope that he does miss me and feel lost without having me around,but I am not doing this for him,I’m doing it for me.I will miss having him in my life but when I think about it,I never really did have him in my life,I just grew dependent on something virtual,longing for his attention,accepting every crumb he was willing to throw my way. I’m worth so much more. And the worst thing is,he has very little self confidence himself and yet is an extremely dominant male.I guess Annie Lennox was right,they say the greatest cowards can hurt the most ferociously.I wish you all good luck & strength,know your worth and don’t settle half assed relationships which aren’t really relationships to start off with!A man should treat you like his queen. So accept no less than a king. Peace & love to all you lovely ladies xxxx Emma