Out of the mouths of men-how walking away can actually make it work

Been reading all these comments and stories and thought Id share mine to maybe get some advice cause I’m pretty lost and confused right now. I have been dating this guy for 3 years, since high school and this relationship involved a lot of firsts which made it even more special to me. Out of the blue (after a small argument) after an amazing week with my boyfriend he dumped me. Just the week before he had told me that he had no idea what he would do without me and then he just walked away from me and deleted or blocked me off all social media. I talked to him about a week after the break up to try and figure out what happened and how everything changed so quickly and he told me that it was because he was at a breaking point and was really stressed about school (exams were coming up) and wanted to be alone to focus on school and exams right now. I should add that he is Muslim and Im not but he was born and raised in America so he was very westernized. But in his explanation he also told me he was breaking up with me because he wanted a muslim to be his wife and I didn’t have that. His words were “for my future this isnt going to work”. But he had told me before that he did see a future with me and how much he loved me and blah blah blah. So yeah you could say I’m pretty confused…Its been 3 weeks of no contact and I was the one to not reply to his last text message and he is now done exams and I can’t help but hope he contacts me…I still love him a lot and he told me after the breakup that he will always love me and that I mean the world to him…I have been using this time apart to work on me and my insecurities (which I know I should have done along time ago) but I have no idea what to do anymore.

Hi, this blog or forum has been so encouraging!! I am writing to you to encourage you all and myself. My best friend with benefits ended up becoming my exclusive boyfriend after I went “no contact” on him until he gave me an exclusive relationship after 2.5 years of being “friends with benefits.” It took about 3 months to get this 45 year old bachelor to commit to me, but he finally did after I kept rejecting the old lifestyle. He knew he would lose me forever if he didn’t give me what I wanted. What made me laugh is that men are so crazy. The moment I started being selfish and caring of my own needs and valuing my heart, he wanted to give me everything. We lived together for about a year. Now I left him again because of many areas of disrespect, lack of appreciation, and his resistance to marriage. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I have had many conversations trying to tell him what I need and he does these “silent treatments” for days. I am about to start medical school in August and will not be able to deal with these tantrums and other issues I will not mention here. I am expecting him to come around when he realizes what we can be and for our future marriage. Thank you for listening! I believe all things are possible when we learn to believe in ourselves and in our value as women!

Hi, interesting stories..I have a question, I’ve been seeing someone for almost two months, this is after being single for 4 years.. We’ve always known each other because we live in the same area. I have one major concern tho, it took him forever to make a sexual move, si eventually i initiated it, also took him forever to do it again, and again i leaded. But than i decided maybe i must just wait till he is ready and horny enough to initiate it himself..but we were kissing for a very long time and the steam were coming from my ears the way i was heated up..i than touched his behind and he signaled me to stop and said i have to go.. WTH. Can someone pls advise?

There are a myriad of reasons he may be pulling back, but none of them are good.

A man needs to take the lead if you really want to know his interest. While I understand there are some “beta” males who are more shy, introverted, and slower moving, a man who is really interested in a woman will pursue. If he is too emotionally or psychologically damaged to do so, better to find out now.

Stay away from “broken” men. They are a disaster and without exceptions usually suck the happiness out of you, create misery, and disappear.

Back up and back off. Don’t initiate anything. If he disappears or doesn’t step up, you have found out sooner rather than later, and avoided wasting more of your time.

He is either seeing others and not as keen on you, or has something else going on… but let the man come to you, or go away.

Never settle, and don’t accept crumbs. We see it all to often, and there is never a happy ending…until the woman says ENOUGH!, and walks away.

Good Morning,

I came across this thread after googling; very insightful!

So here’s my story. I met this guy online (whom I spoken to 2 years before at that time we exchanged contact information, but I was living out of town and it hadn’t gone anywhere).

Anywho this time around (I had moved back to the area) we met for a brunch date and began seeing one another a few times a week. He would call me his “wife” and randomly say he loved me.

Mind you I brushed it off because it was all happening so fast; too fast for my liking. Meanwhile we both knew we were dating other people.

We would have minor disagreements over what I thought was something that we could look beyond (once every few weeks). So this past weekend was his birthday – we disagreed on a “surprise” I had in store. I signed us up for a kickboxing class as something fun to do. He hated it. The next surprise was a massage which he loved. The next day I was dressed to the nines and we were out eating. He kept wanting PDA – asking for a kiss as I got up to use the restroom, wrapping his arms around me while he stood behind me, and hand holding. Later that afternoon he asked for a photo in my outfit, which I sent and after receiving he says he doesn’t want to see this pic on social media. He said he refused to be a catalyst for me ending up with the next man. So my response was…well it sounds like you need to decide if you want to continue as is or be in a monogamous relationship. He replied saying I was right.

The next day we saw the movie “Split” (good film btw). Afterwards, we discussed our plans for the week. He wanted to go to dinner Wed and see me over the weekend as well (we usually spend every weekend together). So I brought up the jealous / insecure comments and asked had he given thought to us being committed. He said he thinks about it everyday. He said we have really good times yes, but we also have moments where we have disagreements. He began reiterating the previous disagreements and how they didn’t sit well with him. For me – they were not that serious. I also felt with our compatibility we could move forward with a relationship. He said he sees my value, but did not want a relationship at this time. I began to get upset – I said I think if he feels that way and holds so much weight on our disagreements that he should date someone else. Someone who his life with will be “peaches & cream” with. He disagreed. Said he sees me in his future. I said no. I think it’s best we part ways and he date someone else. Again he disagreed – he then said we both want a relationship, we both see each others value, our timing on when a relationship should occur is different. I said you act like my boyfriend now, you do everything that a boyfriend does minus the title. I feel it is best you date someone else then. He continued to disagree – he said the comments he made about the photo were him just being pretentious. I got out the car and told him to drive safely.

So that was 2 days ago.

In the moment – I don’t think I considered if he would or would not come back. My focus was solely not wasting my time nor putting myself in a situation where I would be hurt more down the road. I also did not like that he was getting boyfriend treatment and we were without a title. While he vested the majority of his free time with me – I still wanted and deserved a monogamous relationship. If he is incapable of willingly wanting the same from me; it’s best for us both to part ways. I do think about and miss him. He had insecurities and felt I would end up with someone else. So my logic was why not commit to prevent that from happening ? I believe my decision was best. I think if he truly desires me (as he claimed) he will realize what he lost. But if not, better to leave now.

Now what do you all think ?

DivineD – I think that your guy sounds confused but it also sounds like he might be playing games with you to test how into him you are. I would just leave him for now and I’m sure he will come round.

Mistake one was treating him like a BF without the

Mistake two was assuming men are ok with having petty arguments all the time. If you argue about stupid stuff every few weeks, that is too much! This is the hiney pmoon phase and if you can’t even get along now, what’s the future hold?

He is being very pragmatic. Men hate to fight with their women. And while you may think it’s normal or no big deal, it takes a man way longer to get over these squabbles. So he is barely past the first one, and then anither one occurs in a few weeks. This stresses men out and most men would rather be alone than be in a relationship that is stressful.

So it makes total sense what he is saying, he is telling you, he doesn’t want to break up but he also doesn’t want the bi monthly arguments anymore.

What is it that you feel you need to argue so much about? That shows immaturity or lack of compatibility.

Well, you insulted his manhood. What could you possibly argue about regarding education? He chose his path. You chose yours. Why would you get into it with him?

This is where you decide to be right or to be happy.

There is such a thing as agreeing to disagree on topics. Sound like you would rather be right.

Well… when you get a gift for someone it should reflect what that person likes, not what YOU want to do. I can see why he wouldn’t like th kick boxing. Did he ask or express and interest in it, or was that what you wanted? A gift should be for him. Not for you.

You had a gift in mind that would benefit you by doing something together that you thought would be fun.

If you are both analytic, I don’t see how the emotions come in, you can’t debate topic without getting emotional or angry?

Based on what you write you don’t sound compatible and I think he sees that, and you don’t.

OMG! DivineD, you don’t have to explain why you gave that gift. He was ungrateful! Period. It was a gift that didn’t kill him! and it was a one time thing. You called his bluff with all his i love you’s, calling you wife, and acting jealous and controlling BUT does not want to be in a relationship and threw out hundreds of excuses. I wouldn’t want him back. Things will get worse with this guy. He’s insecure and will drain you in time and blame you for it all. Good riddance!

I don’t get why you would do so much for a man who isn’t even your BF.

You overdo. That never wins a man over. Even a nice one, the man should always do more, especially in the early stages. The more you do, the less it attracts the man.

All your points are valid. He doesn’t like “disagreements”, then he can learn to say “thank you” for the gifts. And show you some respect. This dude is broke and taking it on you. Leading you on with fake “I love yous”, “wify” conversations.

Even if he wanted to commit to you, why do you want to marry a loser? Kick him to a curb.

I am so tired at all these “men don’t like disagreements”, men don’t like this or that. Oh yeah? Maybe they don’t like when we don’t let them have their cake and eat it too? If there is a serious issue that needs to be discussed then they need to discuss it. In the OP case she had 100% reasons to talk about the situation and I think she handled it very well.

I hope she’d dump this guy and finds someone worthy of her. And I guarantee that all such “disagreements” would not even surface.

Debbie go to the main forums page, choose the topic that fits the best (but really it doesn’t matter), scroll to the end of the page and there you can make a new post.