Out of the mouths of men-how walking away can actually make it work

Thanks Hannah, I’ll have a look

Hoping I can get some ‘objective’ advice here as I am very confused. Maybe I just need someone to articulate what I already know deep inside.

I met a man at a work conference in February last year and we hit it off really well. We both acknowledged a strong connection but we lived in different cities. While I was willing to figure out how we could explore something, he was unwilling despite feeling our bond. We ran into each other again last September and spent days/nights together. When it was time to go our separate ways he once again refused to explore the possibility of dating, although he wanted to ‘keep in touch’ with me. I was so hurt, I felt used, perhaps it was my fault… I could not handle his suggestion so I cut off contact with him until we ran into each other again last month.

Needless to say, same thing happened but afterwards he explicitly said “just because we’re sleeping with each other doesn’t mean an automatic commitment from me”. That burned. When I went home he was silent for days until I sent him an unimpressed comment about how the way he treats me makes me feel worthless. I said it would be nice for him to communicate with me so that I know I am not the lowest priority in his life, but all he could do was tell me I was making accusations and I was being demanding.

He eventually said he would try to be better but he only sends me messages rarely and never to engage in any substantive dialogue. He uses the excuse that he would prefer to get to know me in person, and that he is not the kind of person who likes to communicate online as he has been burned in the past by his ex on this medium. My instincts tell me this is BS because if you like someone, then you would try to get to know them whichever way you can, or am I wrong?

Ladies, I feel like I’ve run out of steam. I’m not short on suitors but I’m stuck on this one. My friends tell me that it could just be his personality, because he has said that it is more than physical for him, but I can’t help but feel as though he is stringing me along. I’m at a point now where I never want to speak with him again. What should I do? I cannot see the forest for the trees. 

Hi all,
I read all your comments, and learned a lot. I’m not alone! But… I am very confused.
There is a guy, that has ‘issues’. And I can hear you all think: “Walk away! He’s not worth it. Red flag.”
But. What if I have issues too?
I have a very difficult time trusting people. I’m not sure why, I don’t have a low self esteem and I don’t have any trauma’s that could lead to this behaviour. But it’s like that. I’m perfectly happy alone and I really thought I should stay like that. Every time I meet someone, they want to rush in. And I’m scared. I back off and am not interested in them anymore, at all. So the only way I could open up to someone is if it happens slowly. It’s not something I have to get over on my own, because alone there is no issue.
And then there is this guy. He’s a charmer, easy talker, not a flirter but just someone that’s easy to talk to. In the beginning we just talked about a lot of things, kissed and slept together (no sex involved, I told him I don’t do that when there is nothing more). That’s when I noticed that he is kind of insecure and there are ‘issues’ (He didn’t tell me this).
He knows that I have feelings and he told me (months ago) that he felt something too, but wasn’t sure if it was ‘everything’. After that talk, I had the feeling that he opened up to me more and more. And I did the same. He initiated contact more often, wants to do a lot of things together. But sometimes we kiss, sometimes we don’t.
This saturday I ended things, after a wonderful day together. I said that I couldn’t do this ‘friends’ thing anymore. He answered that this would keep him awake and that he thought that this situation worked: Being friends and ‘gather more data’ in the meantime.
I didn’t answer anymore.
I’m not sure if I walked away because I’m afraid that he is just playing games, or because I’m done, or because I’m afraid myself.
I know I have issues, I know he has issues. The things is, he wasn’t that good with words on an emotional level, but his actions made up for it. This is been going on for 10 months, but only escalated the last 2 months or so. Did I do the right thing, walking away?

Hi Everyone,
This forum is amazing. My story is long, so if you choose to read it, I thank you very much.
I met a man 3.5 years ago. Feel head over heels in love. We loved each other to the moon and back. Everything was awesome, we moved in together and I helped him when he was pretty down on his luck. Got him back on his feet and we were amazing together. Engaged to be married and planning a wedding. Fast forward about a year…this is where it gets really hard to continue my story.
I was accused of a crime, nothing drugs, violent etc. We went back and forth on if I should fight it, we live in a small town and I didn’t want my teenage daughter or my family to go through all the crap of living in a small town. So we decided I would just take a plea deal and be done with it. Well none of though I would actually be sentenced to jail, my lawyer was shocked(everyone was shocked) Not please keep in mind this was something I was accused of and basically got set up. I never took anything (which is what I was accused of.) He knows this as do my family and friends. But there was nothing I could do once I was sentenced. I went to jail for 8 months. I had work and child care release so I was out of the jail about 14 hours a day. I kept a full time job and did everything I could at home when I was there. He did so much for me. He was my rock, my everything and I couldn’t believe someone loved me so much.
So I have been home about 5 months and everything was going really good. I have a good job and working hard,he seemed the same person. Until about a month ago. He started to pull away and become distant with me. Then a few weeks ago after prom dress shopping for my daughter I asked him if he didn’t want to be with me anymore, he said he wanted to break up. I was shocked. I love this man with all of my heart. I have put myself in his shoes many times and thanked him over and over again for how much he did for me and loved me. So of course I begged and pleaded because I really really honestly with every fiber of my being love this man. But he is moving out in 3 weeks and I am at a complete loss. I don’t know if I should be trying to show him that I am still the woman he fell in love with, or just leave him be. I feel like about once a week I blow it by starting the “please don’t leave” conversation. I just want a second chance to try and work through his feelings and why he is feeling this way now. Honestly our life is good, what we went through sucked for sure, but we made it. We both have kids who are like family to one another.
Anyway I guess I know deep down I have to let him go and have some space. I just want to leave him with all our good memories and not the bad and I am not sure how to do that.
I would take any advise I can get. I don’t want to play games, I just want to tell him how much I love him, but I don’t want to be overbearing. I even went on one date, and it sucked, my heart is not in it.
I am sure many of you think I don’t deserve this man, but we have both been through hard stuff and helped each other through. Unconditionally loved each other.
Thank you for any help.

reaching out to those with same heart ache. I ended the two year relationship with the man that I love and believe to me a perfect partner. I ended it because he was not giving me or the relationship time. he came to me without anything to offer except his affection. he had no career but was working on it. I fell instantly and when his life turned upside down, I moved him into my place. its been 1.5 years of being there and helping him. its been 1.5 years of what I feel to be one-sided. he did bring so many things to the table that I loved. he did help me in times but I felt in the end that he was not there for me really. I felt drained emotionally and ignored because of his life problems. I understand completely that he needs to focus on his life and get that straight. its hard because I feel he is the perfect partner and I believe I am the perfect partner for him. its been very hard for me and I have worked really hard to help him. I spoke to him often that I was not getting what I need, and he was not what he presented in the beginning. we fell for each other but he was always conflicted about his life. half here half on the east coast.

its been two weeks that I kicked him out. i saw him a week later and explained that its been 1.5 years of being in the trenches with him and not getting what i need which was his attention. he felt he was working on his life and that i was impatient. he also understood a little of my sacrifices during that conversation. i had hoped he would stay in town for me and work on hisself. he never grasped fully that i sacrificed so much altho its obvious to me and everyone. he expressed that he thought i was a perfect mate. my closing words were that he has my heart and to come back to me. he said i will try. that was 3 days ago and i just found out he is leaving town. going back to the other coast.

so i was hoping he would stay in town and work on hisself and this perfect relationship. now i know my process is acceptance and moving on despite that i feel hes the perfect partner for me. i have been married twice. not sure if i am convinced that this is just not a good relationship or that i wasn’t enough for him. just cant accept that. its a knowing i have. i am dealing with that loss love and the real possibility i will never see him again. its letting go so he can find himself and hoping he will come back to me. its just so hard. i love him so much. i expressed it openly. i didn’t feel secure.

he is the type to find another girl to be with. i met him after 2 months leaving his ex. he left her. i kicked him out because i felt i needed more. he has had lots of girlfriends, and im pretty sure that they were not the match i am. im pretty sure he is all messed up trying to figure out his life and get a firm footing, security and something to offer.

with his decision to leave for the other coast, makes the dream of us coming together again much more distant and even not at all. i love him and fought for us. he is not fighting for us i feel. i feel he is going back to comfort and support naturally.

accepting this might be the very end that i will never see him again while also believing that we are perfect for each other is my struggle. bad timing. i don’t want him as things are now. i don’t want him half assing the time with me and my needs. i don’t want to be the only one giving. i feel like he was not recharging all the giving i was doing. its just so hard.

so its time i know. i haven’t contacted him and i don’t think i will. it will just be too sad and disappointing. no reason for that.

im just so hurt. i kicked him out without expecting him to return to me. i kicked him out because i was just so drained but now he’s not here. if i had not kicked him out, he would still be here. i would have half of him. i don’t think that’s good enough. the loss is devastating though.

now i am alone, dealing with the loss of the man i loved so deeply.

You needed to start your own thread…but you didn’t so I will respond.

I have met women like you…women who are generous to those they love thinking that the other person will see it and respond. That does not always happen…some people are gleeful receivers and have no interest in giving. That may be this man. So you keep giving, he keeps receiving and you get depleted. And the vicious cycle continues because you expect this man to change…to wake up….to smell the coffee.

He would really change if he were unhappy with what he does…but he is not unhappy….he keeps along his merry way. He will keep doing this…over and over and over until the day he dies or becomes unhappy with it. And you cannot help him…you cannot say the magic words that will wake him up to himself…he has to see it by himself and make changes…not through you.

So, you have a choice. You can stay on the merry go round or you can walk.

I suggest you walk and do not look back.

Jane, dear hang on there. It is very very painful when someone you love rejects you. But did it come out of the blue? There must have been something you overlooked?

This man waited for you to leave and then told you it is over, and now he is not replying. It is clear he is done. Calling him again and again will only make you lose your dignity and cringe with regret later. Stop contacting him, brace yourself and stay strong. Most of women here experienced a heartbreak, we are all ok, so you’ll be ok as well.

Take time to grieve. You are in your home town, surrounded by family, this is a good thing. Imagine if you were alone? Stay close to people who love you. It will take a while to recover, do not expect the pain to just stop. Prepare yourself for a long haul, it is easier this way. I kept waiting for my pain to stop, but it just wouldn’t. 2.5 years later it is still there and still very strong. Had I known it would be that long, I would have handled things differently. So do not expect it to be over soon, but hopefully it won’t be that long for you, I think my case is unusual. A few months from now hopefully you will be better. Invest your time and your efforts into YOU. And people who love you. Take up a new hobby or even a new job, make yourself very busy. Plan to do all the chores you’ve been procrastinating about. The first 3 months are the worst. Best wishes!

@camilia
i’d skip all the texting and just find out what he’s really getting back in contact for. let him lead the conversation and i’d tread really carefully w/ exes coming back into the picture. if he wants to meet for coffee – keep it light and casual to really decipher what he’s back for, if he wants a second chance.

be wary of him coming back for the ego stroke. meet him during the day, keep it really formal.

I have been in a FWB relationship and then a serious to go backwards to a FWB relationship again with the same man for over 3 years. There are kids involved on his end. I love him and the kids. He has been honest with his reasons of being selfish and had a terrible divorce. I keep doing favors and being there for the family in all situations. He involves me in the family affairs and the kids. I have been invited to the family reunions. I try almost everything for him to see my worth and value, and he still just treats me like a buddy or Aunt to the kids. I am ready to walk away, but I’m not sure if it is best to go MIA or talk to him and give him the respect of why I am not taking his calls or texts. I want to add seems like he may have other options or could care less if he losing me by his one word text or his LOL when I try and talk serious. I need help, please can you give me some advice. I do love him and the kids and, want to be in their lives but at what cost?

I love this advice! I tested it on past relationships( bad ones) and years/days/months later, they would come back and tell me how much they respected me. I think it works in same sex relationships too.

Recently, my boyfriend of under 2 yrs told me he was thinking of being single but would love and miss me. We had ours ups and downs however we always had a good time. He’s in his last semester in school and of course is eating all his time.

He said it’s hard to place our relationship first which I told him since we got together that school comes first. However he still had mix feelings and didn’t know what to do. I told him I loved him and I know what I want.

He wanted me to stay over however understood where I was coming from so I told him I can’t. I walked away. Yes it’s killing me inside but he placed me in a position where I had to respect myself. It hard knowing that we have had a comfortable and healthy relationship however whatever he’s going through is causing this.

The hard part is….if he waits too long he might come back on bad timing, I’m trying not to built resentment feelings towards him because he placed us is this position. I don’t have the urge to date any one else but I don’t want to keep holding on and be destroyed if I see him with someone else. (That happened before to me)!

Anyways thanks again for your insights and for everyone here sharing their experience. I guess I’ll see what happens next.