Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Outsider's opinion needed!!
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by Tallspicy.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Clarity
Met this guy who went to college with me, he “slid in my DMS” as it goes and we started talking everyday after this point. It’s been almost a year since then and in the time that has passed we have talked day in day out everyday without missing a single day. We’ve been on plenty of dates and made it official about a month or two after talking. Since then, things have been fairly good, we didn’t argue at all and got along really well. I would sometimes get upset because of the distance between us (we live almost an hour away), and we couldn’t see each other as often as we would like. I started noticing that he was acting kind of weird almost a month ago. He completely stopped flirting and complimenting me and would start to text me back after longer and longer periods. At this same time, he was starting a program at school so I let it go thinking he was just busier. Valentines day was coming up and I asked him if we were gonna do something to which he agreed but kept saying it wasn’t something he really did. I told him I still wanted to and we did go out and have a good time, everything seemed fine he was his normal self being affectionate, paid for dinner. He even got me flowers and chocolate which I wasn’t expecting at all. But I got home and the same routine of him acting dry, distant, and detached over text started again. I finally talked to him about it and asked him multiple times if he was still interested in me and wanted to continue a relationship and told him I didn’t want to be led on and that if he wasn’t feeling it anymore he should break it off. He still insisted that he had feelings and wanted the same thing I wanted which was to be together. I also told him during that conversation that I didn’t like certain things he had started doing like going out on the weekends without telling me when he always used to before. I don’t think he’s cheating on me, but I still would rather be in the loop about his days as texting is our primary form of communication. I said he needed to put in more effort as well to which he said he would promise to try his best. I thought maybe we had reached a good place and everything was fine and for a week we were texting normally. However, last night I reached a breaking point when he pretty much ignored me over text all day claiming there was car issues then I came to find out through a friend that he was at one of his friends apartments later that night. He didn’t tell me he was going anywhere even though I had told him literally not even a week ago that it was something that bothered me. I texted him asking where he was and he did tell the truth but I was clearly annoyed over text and he didn’t even try to ask why. He didn’t text me back all day today until I finally had to reach out to him because I was so hurt over the situation. I basically told him that I didn’t think it would work between us because I was putting in a lot more effort than he was and it was obvious. He responded back saying that he wanted to meet up. So my question is: hearing everything and his sudden change and the fact that he wants to meet up to talk, do you think he’s lost feelings? Does he not want me anymore and just doesn’t have the guts to tell me or is there something else? Please share your thoughts because I am lost. Thank you in advance.
RavenMeet up, listen way more than you speak…
ZoeYou nag him too much and he is pulling away. Imagine a guy acting like this with you?! Back off already before he tells you to
ZoeBeing needy is not attractive
T from NYIt’s normal to be in closer contact at the beginning stage of the relationship because it’s the honeymoon and infatuation stage. But then healthy people want to get back to their own life, and own routine and it can feel suffocating to carry on like before. It’s not his issue if you have trust issues so want him to check in constantly. He should be able to live his life and date you as long as he is planning consistent time with you and staying in consistent contact.
Possibly sit down and consider “how it used to be” and how “it is now” and maybe ask for a compromise in the middle. I understand that if I was in a long distance relationship I would want some form of consistent contact. But your expectations (from what you’ve written) seem excessive. Dial it back and know that if you’re meant to be together, you’ll listen to each other and speak to each other in a healthy way and figure out how to get each individual’s needs met.
A fire needs air to burn hot – so do relationships.
Agree you should listen more than you talk at meetup.kayeYou say it’s been almost a year since you first got together and you’ve been official since a month or two in. I don’t really consider an hour long distance but it does require more planning than someone who lives closer and does limit you meeting up during the week.
You say you noticed a shift a month ago but it could have to do with this program at school. Seems to me you are being needy and insecure. You shouldn’t have to keep asking your boyfriend if he’s still interested and wants to continue multiple times. But you also shouldn’t be smothering him and acting like his mom and needing to know where he is every single second of the day. You give tons of detail but not enough of the things that really matter.
Like how often do you see each other? Does he spend time with you on the weekends? Do you spend the night with him or him with you? Does he integrate you into his life meeting his friends and family and going to events with them? Do you have any reason to think he was lying about having car trouble as to why he wasn’t texting you? He didn’t lie when you asked where he was so why do you think he’s lying about that?
I don’t think a guy would want to meet up just to dump you. You gave him an easy way out so he didn’t take it. I feel like you need to not try to keep him on such a short leash and he needs to be showing you he’s serious about the relationship and spending time with you and progressing it after almost a year. I can’t tell if he’s doing that from your post.
ClarityHe did tell his friends about me and Ive met some of them as well, he said they liked me a lot and he also shared to them how I remind him of his mom and that things are going well between us. We used to see each other almost every weekend but Valentines day was the first time I saw him in a month. I don’t believe he was lying to me about having car troubles or lying about what he was doing and I don’t think there is anyone else either. However, like I said this past month has made me concerned. Apart from taking hours to text, being dry, not flirting etc, he has said things like “you’re better than me,” which I take to be a breakup line saying you deserve better. But then when I asked him if he was still serious about us and wanted to continue being with me he said yes. I agree that he could have taken the easy way out and ended it over text but I think he might just be trying to meet up because its the more considerate thing to do?
NewbieTaking hours to text is not an indicator something is off, except your expectations about him. Im moslty ldr with my man and he actually texts a lot, but of course there are hours of silence in between. Otherwise he would drive me crazy. I understand how you feel but i dont think the way you communicated helps you a lot. Telling your bf he must tell you where he is at all Times and you dont like him to go to parties is seriously (s)mothering. You got to stop that nagging streak. Be more like what you did with valentines day. You told him what makes you happy.
Also you thinking you are investing more in this is based on what? You are way more invested in this but thats something totally different. Be more of a cool gril who like to do fun things and not Mrs nagNewbie*girl not a gril, that would be weird
KhadijaI agree with the others, you need to give this guy a chance to breathe. He is probably feeling suffocated. Its like you expect him to account for every minute of his day.
In the beginning we tend to talk more to our partners and then things die down a bit. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t interested anymore. And just because you send a text doesn’t mean he has to answer it right away. Sometimes I take hours to text my boyfriend back because I’m busy or his text didn’t require a response right away.
The nagging and constant need for reassurance seems so exhausting.
Meet up with him and as Raven said do more listening than talking.
EileenI agree with Zoe. You need to have your life back. Don’t go after a guy who don’t put any effort to be with you. If he leaves now, he would have left anyway.
TallspicyYou are not entitled to know where he is all the time, or to tell him how to spend his time. I want you to read that again. That is controlling. And either you trust him or you don’t. So choose.
Why was it a month that you had not seen him before Valentine’s day. That sounds off, especially since you only live an hour away. THAT IS A RED FLAG.
-
AuthorPosts