Over a year later – maybe i made a mistake

Hi Sophie, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your guilt sounds misplaced because you’ve taken on so much of the responsibility for the relationship not working out, but it takes two to make an incompatible dynamic.

Timing is a thing. It sounds like you needed to deal with some of your own issues and get right with yourself before you could fully commit, which you told him. You weren’t ready, and your doubts were likely partially from that. But you also said he was immature and went from your relationship, where you were upfront about having doubts and not being fully committed, to another relationship with a partner who isn’t fully invested (anyone emotionally abusive really isn’t). While that’s only two instances, if someone keeps choosing and staying for long periods of time with partners who aren’t fully invested and it becomes a pattern, it means that person has their own issues contributing to the situation and influencing their choices. Someone emotionally healthy is far more likely to leave a bad situation than they are to stick around until they lose themselves to the point that they get “awkward.” That’s a him-problem unrelated to you, which means you can’t do anything about it. He’s choosing his partners, and he’s choosing how he responds to bad situations. I’m sure your relationship ending was very painful for him, but it’s not on you if he chose to handle it by rebounding for validation and then staying with a bad partner (assuming what you heard is even accurate). He could have done what you did and taken some time alone to work through his heartbreak and other issues, like you chose to do.

I don’t think he’d be able to just be your friend again yet if this really is his situation, because while you may have dealt with your side of the issues, he clearly hasn’t dealt with his. You yourself changing won’t change that or remove all the previous romantic relationship problems, that is you taking on too much of the blame because there’s two sides to this. Perhaps if you’re looking to reconnect if they break up and he has taken the time to recover from his current crappy situation you can one day, but don’t blame yourself for where he is now. He’s an adult who makes his own choices.

Thank you Maddie!