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- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by
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Jenni
Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and in general it has been really good, but I see a big lack of communication from his part. I would say he becomes passive aggressive when he’s upset about something. A few times I noticed he was withdrawn and distant, not very talkative, and when I asked him if something was wrong he said that everything was fine and even told me he wasn’t acting cold or distant, which wasn’t true at all. Very few times did he tell me what was bothering him and if he did was because I asked. Normally he will agree or not say anything even if he’s upset about it. Then he will act resentful and withdraw.
Now he’s acting cold again, he’s distanced himself emotionally. When we talk I can feel sarcasm in the way he replies, little interest in talking to me and having a meaningful conversation, I know he’s doing it because he wants to break up, and he’s waiting for me to start the conversation or a fight, not sure. He was never like this for so long, he was always very thoughtful and caring, now I can’t see that care he had for me anymore. What are your views on someone who can be so caring and then act passive aggressive when there’s something bothering them? Thank you.
Anon
Are you quarantined with this guy or are you visiting each other?
Jenni
I live in my own house and he lives in another city, we talk on the phone.
Lane
I personally think its the distancing that’s making him distant. Are you seeing each other regularly? If not, he’s most likely withdrawing from life in general, just not you.
I do know that men don’t like talking about their feelings or problems like women od. They prefer to go into their mancave (head) and work it out on their own and take the appropriate actions v. women who need to vent or talk it out. Too much talk can wear men out.
I would take a talk break. Do something together like play cards, game or through skype on the times you can’t be together. When you are, engage in some ACTION orientated activities like a walk in the park, kites (if its windy), a hike—less talk and more action usually brings a guy back to normal faster.
Jenni
We don’t see each other regularly because we don’t live very close. Now he was supposed to come and visit but had to cancel because of social distancing.
I did try to keep in contact by asking to play online together or make shallow conversation but he’s showing no interest either, he’s replying as a courtesy. Men don’t like to talk, right, but at least it would be good if he was straight to the point and told me he’s not interested anymore instead of dragging this situation.
Jayne
I think you just need to let him be for now. Whatever he’s processing, continuing to engage him about it isn’t going to help. Men don’t talk these things out like we do. You expecting him to tell you anything is expecting him to react like a woman, so you’ll just continue in a cycle of frustration if you keep holding out for a conversation. Let him be and see what happens.
Anon
I can’t see my bf either and he was distant for awhile, and I asked what the reason was that we couldn’t even walk 6ft apart and then the next day he invited me. We met to go on a long walk- 2 hr walk and things have been fine since then. We have face timed, talk on the phone and planning another long walk this weekend. Things are very different and men take much longer to process these emotions. And as another poster said, guys like activities not talking too much. Give him time and let him contact you. I wouldn’t read anything more into his behavior.
Jenni
I will do that. Keep myself busy and not contact him. I guess there isn’t much I can do. Thank you.
Jenni
I have been thinking about what you told me, men don’t like to talk. But then how are you supposed to communicate the things that are bothering you? If he doesn’t want to talk and he just keeps quiet and starts feeling resentful. It might be something that you can easily sort out with proper communication, I’m not talking about having the same conversation over and over again, but if something is bothering you, why not communicate it?
Anon
It’s in the delivery of what you are saying. Like when I spoke to him, I get you want to keep a distance, we can still walk right? I miss seeing you and talking. Can we do this tomorrow since it’s so nice out? He says sure. The next day comes and I don’t pressure him or even bring it up and he asks to get together to walk. And the walk (an activity) has broken the ice of this quarantine. Now communication is flowing regularly and he’s brought up walking again. I did tell him how I feel, but it was how I said it because it didn’t make him feel like he did anything wrong. Men are super sensitive to doing things wrong especially those who were married to super dominant women who criticized them all the time.
Newbie
If him being distant, cold, not interested in what you say, sounding sarcastic in replies and you think he wants to break up, i do believe this relationship has run its course. If after 3 years you two do the opposite of bonding more and understanding each other, i think its over.
I cant tell you way, youre probably incompatible in a few ways, at least on communication. My man is not very deep, but he Lets me in on what is occupying his mind and i would think thats totally normal. A guy who cant talk to you normally is not very interesting for me to keep seeing. He acts like you are an annoying fly. Totally no fun. But this situation is a bit weird and well, you clearly need to see each other face to face for an honest talk. -
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