Please Help me figure out how to handle this!!

I think Jayne said most important things already. It also sounds you are a rebound, but getting pushy in reassuring wont change any of that. Pull way back and try to stop being so infatuated and trying to hold on so bad. You cant control the outcome here

First of all, I agree with what some of the others have said about you being needy and asking for reassurance all the time. I am NOT a morning person and not everyone wakes up and is super talkative and wanting to be all touchy feely. To me it sounds like this relationship is mostly just about sex for him. If you’re having sex 2-3 times per visit, 2-3 times per week it seems that’s all this relationship is about for him. And with the pandemic you are convenient and he can’t be out meeting other women right now.

I do think you’re a rebound and he hasn’t let himself mourn over his breakup. His not being considerate to the fact you might like a drink or something to eat while you’re at his place all morning and into the afternoon shows a lack of caring on his part. A man who wants you as a girlfriend is going to want you comfortable and happy. He’s right you shouldn’t keep having relationship talks so much. He doesn’t even want to talk to you when he’s tired because you will turn it into some conversation about him being quiet or distant and what’s wrong. Obviously he’s tired of that from you yet even when he said he didn’t want to talk you called him!! Of course he got annoyed and frustrated because you aren’t listening to him. He’s tired, doesn’t want to talk and you call to talk to him anyway. You have no regard for his feelings and are making it all about yours!  In my experience a guy who doesn’t tell his family about a breakup may be doing so because he sees them getting back together and doesn’t want them to know about the temporary split. 

DO NOT reach out to this man! You are just pushing him even further and further away. It’s been 4 days and he has made no attempt to contact you after your call when he told you he didn’t want to talk. Maybe if you had given him space then he wouldn’t be taking so much now. I think you have pushed this guy to the brink of wanting to end this. But he’s probably going to drag it out for awhile with the pandemic and the fact he can’t be meeting other women for sex. Sorry but I see you as a rebound and this as a purely physical relationship for him. And once you get too emotionally attached and pushing him for all these talks the pros of the sex will not outweigh the cons of dealing with all your emotional drama and he will end it. 

I would imagine there are a lot of things not right in the present. Maybe he has seen too much sickness and feels drained. Maybe he is mourning the loss of the old GF. Maybe he is just tired.

You want to help him solve his problems. Men do not work that way – they go into a cave to solve their own problems as life goes on around them. It is in their DNA. Respect that.

Leave him alone to do as he must. And as for thinking of you – he does not seem to be that type of person. He is who he is – take it or leave it. I think I would leave it.

I agree with everything that’s been said. You’re a rebound; he’s not ready to seriously date another person if he was only a month or two out of another relationship. It sounds like it’s all about the sex.

It also got intense too fast. There’s no way at 2 months you should be spending this much time together and having “relationship” talks. Things that start up fast tend to burn out fast. You need to pace yourself when dating.

A man who sees you as girlfriend material wants to make you happy and is attuned to your comfort. The fact that he’s cold with you in the mornings, and doesn’t even offer you food or a drink, is a huge red flag. When I was 2 months in dating my boyfriend and would sleep over, he’d cook me wonderful breakfasts in the morning from scratch (and still does, 2 years later). So again, it seems like it’s all about the sex to him, not about really developing a relationship with you.

You’re expecting too much from him. He’s not prepared to give you what you want. At this point if he were to call you again (which he very well might not bother), I wouldn’t expect he would treat you as anything but a FWB. If you’re not OK with just being FWB, I’d move on if I were you.

Some updates and more info :)

I appreciate all of the responses despite how hard some of them were to read. I do realize I could have let some things go and I’ve been beating myself up for the way I’ve handled things. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and loneliness in this pandemic and no social contact, aside from family and friend video and phone calls aside from this relationship so I think it heightened my need to want to keep it and get obsessed with the idea of it rather than what the reality is. I think I am turned off my some of the lack of thoughtfulness and how much he thinks about his own schedule compared to mine, so that made me act out at times with subtle passive aggressive comments that I’m not proud of and wish I could rewind. To clarify, I know I wrote about “relationship talks,” but I never wanted to establish exclusivity ( other than health reasons) and don’t want to rush things and don’t know why it came out like I did during this time. The “talks” we had were maybe 5 mins, twice just asking if he was okay with a total mood shift. I know it’s still too much, but I never harped on it for long when he told me it was okay. The second time I asked, it was after sex so it hurt a little more , he told me he feels off his routine if he doesn’t exercise earlier on in the day and gets moody, and I never talked about that again with him and said I’m glad to know that I know I’m still getting to know you. The other time with the parent call thing, I asked if he hadn’t talked to his parents a about the ex because he wanted to get back together with her or was still with her. I clarified with him for my own sanity and get like I had to ask since the timeline he told his brother on the phone was different from mine. He denied and told me he really liked me and understood why I needed to ask about it. I was going from his signals with pressing the relationship forward in the beginning. He wanted to talk all the time, see me three times a week or more and we did have some fun times including making dinners, watching shows, having some fun talks about deeper topics..he met my friends before the pandemic. He’s on my tennis team and we have mutual friends. I truly I don’t believe he intended to have me as a friends with benefits as I talk about it. I think I may have pushed him beyond his comfort zone but maybe that’s my perspective and I’m obviously clearly biased so that’s why I reached out on here. This guy has told me he’s never been more attracted to someone, that he loves hanging out with me, has alluded to doing things when this is over and I was so excited. I’ve explained the last week to friends and I’m self detrimental by nature and try to improve on my behaviors and find error anyway and they all thought he seemed selfish and gaslighting me in those two conversations but I didn’t know what to think since they are biased as friend so I can here. The last couple of weeks are the only time it’s been weird aside from
Me having concerns about him being slightly inconsiderate and more into himself and his needs is the past week or so. I know it’s bad we haven’t talked in 4 days. I’m 32 and have had ups and downs in relationships and tend to go for less available, smart attractive men who seem to be less nice. I’m guessing because I want a challenger or because I don’t think I deserve someone who is nice. Either way I have a lot to work on in that area and I know that. I did reach out to him last night just so I would know and stop thinking about it. I said a friendly hey and mentioned that I ran into some mutual neighbor friends of ours. He responded right away and we had a couple back and forth friendly texts and it stopped. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I don’t know what I want I guess with him.I would love to try again but at this point I know he doesn’t. All of family and friends are not fans either even through I am very self critical in all of my stories. If by some crazy chance we do get together again I’m not sure if I should try to explain myself and talk again or just take things day by day and see how we feel? I know I may be looking for something else and he may not be a match but I still feel attached in a way. And yes, I’ve read “Attached” and know I have anxious attachment. He may be avoidant and this whole thing is a hot mess! Thank you again for all the time people took to read and give advice. I wanted unbiased advice and comments and I certainly got it and want to learn to be better in relationships. ll of the responses despite how hard some of them were to read. I do realize I could have let some things go and I’ve been beating myself up for the way I’ve handled things. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and loneliness in this pandemic and no social contact, aside from family and friend video and phone calls aside from this relationship so I think it heightened my need to want to keep it and get obsessed with the idea of it rather than what the reality is. I think I am turned off by some of the lack of thoughtfulness and how much he thinks about his own schedule compared to mine, so that made me act out at times with subtle passive aggressive comments that I’m not proud of and wish I could rewind. To clarify, I know I wrote about “relationship talks,” but I never wanted to establish exclusivity ( other than health reasons) and don’t want to rush things and don’t know why it came out like I did during this time. The “talks” we had were maybe 5 mins, twice just asking if he was okay with a total mood shift. I know it’s still too much, but I never harped on it for long when he told me it was okay. The second time I asked, it was after sex so it hurt a little more , he told me he feels off his routine if he doesn’t exercise earlier on in the day and gets moody, and I never talked about that again with him and said I’m glad to know that I know I’m still getting to know you. The other time with the family call thing, I asked if he hadn’t talked to his parents a about the ex because he wanted to get back together with her or was still with her. I clarified with him for my own sanity and feel like I had to ask since the timeline he told his brother on the phone was different from what he told me It was around when we first met. He came right out second date telling me about his relationship history when we had a deep talk about waiting to settle down versus people who got married earlier. I even told him that I was engaged when I was 21 and broke it off and he respected it so much and we had a great talk about it. I don’t usually like opening up so soon but he flat out asked me if I was ever close to marriage so I had to respond. When I asked him about the ex girlfriend He denied wanting to be with her and told me he really liked me and understood why I needed to ask about it.he said he would try to “hunt down” the guy if it was flipped. I was going from his signals with pressing the relationship forward in the beginning. He wanted to talk all the time, see me three times a week or more and we did have some fun times including making dinners, watching shows, having some fun talks about deeper topics..he met my friends before the pandemic. He’s on my tennis team and we have mutual friends. I truly I don’t believe he intended to have me as a friends with benefits as I talk about it. I think I may have pushed him beyond his comfort zone but maybe that’s my perspective and I’m obviously clearly biased so that’s why I reached out on here. This guy has told me he’s never been more attracted to someone, that he loves hanging out with me, has alluded to doing things when this is over and I was so excited. I’ve explained the last week to friends and I’m self detrimental by nature and try to improve on my behaviors and find error anyway and they all thought he seemed selfish and gaslighting me in those two conversations but I didn’t know what to think since they are biased as friend so I can here. The last week is the only time it’s been weird aside from
Me having concerns about him being slightly inconsiderate and more into himself and his needs. To clarify, the only action I did with that is the water response once and one time I joked about being hungry and there was no breakfast. Neither turned into a fight.
I know it’s bad we haven’t talked in 4 days. I’m 32 and have had ups and downs in relationships and tend to go for less available, smart attractive men who seem to be less nice. I’m guessing because I want a challenge or because I don’t think I deserve someone who is nice. Either way I have a lot to work on in that area and I know that. I did reach out to him last night just so I would know and stop thinking about it. I said a friendly hey and mentioned that I ran into some mutual neighbor friends of ours. He responded right away and we had a couple back and forth friendly texts and it stopped. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I don’t know what I want I guess with him.I would love to try again but at this point Im guessing he doesn’t. especially based on everyone’s comments I know I’m being a complete hopeless romantic thinking there’s a chance. I’m also that too.. it’s something I wish I could change! All of family and friends are not fans of him even through I am very self critical in all of my stories. If by some crazy chance we do get together again to meet up I’m not sure if I should try to apologize and talk again or just take things day by day and see how we feel and never bring it up ? I know I may be looking for something else and he may not be a match but I still feel attached in a way. Looking for advice how to handle that situation?
And yes, I’ve read “Attached” and know I have anxious attachment. He may be avoidant and this whole thing is a hot mess! Thank you again for all the time people took to read and give advice. I wanted unbiased advice and comments and I certainly got it and want to learn to be better in relationships.