Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Please help with his mother interfering
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tammy.
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anaya
Hi ladies,
Stumbled over this forum while looking about Scorpio men. Realised the thread was too old, then read a few recent posts and understood there is some legitimate suggestions being given out here plus some obvious, you should break up and move on which no one who makes an effort to post here wants to hear but it can be the best option in the wrong run. I personally feel that I am not ready to hear that so really hoping for an awesome advice on the matter that I am dealing with
My bf and I are together for three years. His family doesn’t likes me. specially his mother. his mother doesn’t likes anyone he dated in past either and was reason for most of his relationship breaking down. He now has come to understand that but consequently keeps me away from her. I don’t like it. Problem is that I feel he is keeping me away from every family event birthdays weddings etc because she is there and she doesn’t likes me. I a lot of time feel hope she wasn’t there and my life with him would have been so wonderful. Its sad that we are so good but when it comes to his family we fight. he gives priority to them over me which now after three years I have made peace with but I don’t like it. I want to be part of it and with the way things are going we will always be like this and never be able to live together. not until his mother is around. I really don’t know what to do other than call it quits. I am in late thirties, want to get married and settle down but it looks so hard. I was looking to find someone for three years then when I was thirty five I found him and now I am thirty eight and still on square one. is there anything I can do. Has any of you been in any such situation where mother or his children from previous marriage or friends or brother have been an issue and have you dealt with it without losing your cool?
anaya
apologies for the typos..
AmyAB
You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Unless he’s willing to stand up to his mother, this isn’t going to change and from what you’ve said he’s never stood up for you and included you in three years. There aren’t any magic words you’re going to get here to fix this dead-end situation. So what are you still doing there? You’ve wasted three years of your life… how much more of your valuable time are you going to waste that you can’t get back?
Peggy
Hi. Amy is absolutely right. This mother issue is actually a boyfriend issue. He is choosing his family and his mom over you. Unless and until he tells his mother that you are a “keeper” and she will not see him or you again unless you are included in some family functions and treated with respect; this will never change.
I think you should bail. Even if you give him an ultimatum, he may renege on it. I think if he cared enough,he would have handled his mother by now…or maybe he is just a weal person and cannot get out from under his mom’s thumb. Sad,but this is going nowhere. If you did marry or stay together,life will be miserable, especially if you have kids. Sorry. Break it off.Sophia
Unfortunately when you marry you marry the family too. Is it just the mom? Because I’m surprised the rest of his immediate family hasn’t told her to knock it off.
My girlfriend married into a situation like this, and decided not to attend anything they do together. Her husband doesn’t attend what she does with her family either. They did get married because they loved each other so much, and this arrangement works for them.
Have you spoken to him about it recently? Might be worth a try to have the conversation again if it’s been awhile.
What is he feeling about a future together? Has he talked about marriage at all? If he hasn’t after three years you might have to break up to find the man who puts you first and above everyone else.
Sorry. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear.
Sophia
Sorry Anaya.
I just re-read your post and see it’s the whole family. Do you know why that is? I can understand the mom not thinking anyone is good enough for her son, but why the whole family?Lane
I simply would not put myself in that situation. A big part of ‘getting to know each other’ is meeting the family. If the family didn’t like me early in the process, I would have stepped out, and walked away, period.
You IMO opinion are just as responsible, if not more so, for not standing up to to HIM and telling him in no uncertain terms, that although you, and his mother, don’t have to get along you not be disconnected or distanced from the rest of his family. Showing up, early on may have helped you integrate, by standing as a united front.
You had a choice early on, yet chose him knowing what the family dynamics would be, and paying the price for that decision. You could still tell him that you want to be included in family gatherings, even if the mother is there, and over time they may come to accept you but it will take effort, on both of your parts, to move it in that direction.
I would sit him down, and tell him what you told us, and that you want to be a ‘united front.’ If he’s not on board then you have you your answer, and need to decide if be ostracized by his family is worth it, long term.
Maddie
It’s pretty common for controlling moms to have sons with bad boundaries, and those bad boundaries screw up their relationships. He’s enmeshed in these family dynamics, and he doesn’t want to cut them off because he’s equally contributing to them by tolerating them and enabling the other family members. Those don’t change for other people, they only change when the person wants to stop living with dysfunction. He’s probably keeping you away because he knows they’re difficult and would probably be mean to you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that, so why put you through that? And because he doesn’t want to firmly choose a side, he does nothing about it either. If you want to be with him, THIS is how it looks. You’ve had 3 years to observe and decide how you feel about it. Do you want to learn to be okay with that? If you stay with him, it has to be under the assumption that how things are right now are how they will be. Then think about, if you want to try to have kids, how will this all affect THEM? If you aren’t looking for kids, at least it’s simpler since it only affects you.
The other posters asked good questions, too. After 3 years, is he proposing? Has he talked about marriage? If not, it’s not his family’s fault, it’s his issues and he’s using the family as an excuse. And in that case, you are most certainly wasting your time if you want to get married.
I’d suggest looking up the term enmeshment and seeing how it pertains to family dynamics and romantic relationships. That may give you more information to help you get ready to make a decision. Don’t sell yourself and your goals (getting married eventually) short by waiting around for someone who isn’t in the same life stage as you, hoping it will change. You have the responsibility for looking after your own needs and doing right by yourself when others aren’t showing you a healthy amount of respect.
Rox
Hi Anaya,
So you like your boyfriend right?
There is a bull in the room. So ‘grab the bull by the horns’!By this, I mean treat her like someone special – invite her out one on one to a coffee or a walk in a nice park. Get to know her, and show her how formally direct you are : that you have intention to be with her son.
Maybe the other family members are scared of her. Treat this no differently than if his best friend didn’t like you. Maybe it is your husband’s job, but if you flip this coin on your own. You will have all their respect.
Just imagine a wedding without family. It takes one person to create the domino effect. I’m 100% sure his previous girlfriends did not attempt to have a date with the mom one-on-one. Think of her as an overbearing father for you on your side. Don’t you want someone who sticks out, who really wants it to work out?
Good luck!
tammy
my cousin had a similar problem. her bf told her to please try and adjust for 6 months and if things didn’t improve, then he wouldn’t force his mom down her throat. they tried for 6 months after marriage. but the guy’s mother was mean to my cousin and didn’t improve with time. so now he lives with my cousin as his wife and they have a 6 year old very naughty and cute son. its 10 years now since they married. every sunday, he visits his mom with the grandson for 2 hrs and they have Sunday breakfast with his mom. rest of the week he lives with his wife and son. on family occasions and festivals, he visits relatives house and his moms house with my cousin, for an hour or two. but in my cousins case, the bf was very clear that he loved my cousin and didn’t want to let her go. he tried to work out some arrangement for 6 months, when that didn’t work he walked out and carved a life with his family.
Anaya
Hi everyone, thanks for your response. I am a bit sad tbh. I love him too much and do not have in me to walk away. I really want to try my best to sort her out . Hoping for some miracle here x
tammy
u have already given 3 years. nothing you can do unless your bf sees and acknowledges what his mom is doing. till that happens, this is a non starter dear. have a straight talk with your bf, then decide. you may love him. but does he love you enough to stand by his love? that’s imp. and u need to get your head out of clouds and see the situation for what it is, on ground level. his mom may never let him marry you. or after marriage make you life miserable. and it will be unless he takes a stand.
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