Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Porn Addiction in Marriage and Gridlock
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
Maddie.
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Kelly
Before my husband and I got married, we were in a long distance relationship. I knew that he watched porn when we were dating and I always and I told him I wasn’t comfortable with porn, but we were in a LDR and I didnt know it was an addiction. He also promised to stop watching it and not bring it into the marriage. We married in 2018 and since then he has been watching porn. We started couple counseling together a few months ago and since then he has been working on resisting urges and has cut back some and also has started to be honest about relapses. However, he does not want to quit and feels like he is being forced to even though he promised not to bring thus into our marriage. I feel frustrated because I feel like he is putting porn above our marriage. I understand that there will be relapses and struggles and that this is part of the process. That’s no problem. I am willing to be patient as I have been for years now, but I am frustrated with his mindset and that he does not even WANT to give up something that he knows has hurt me so much, affected our sex life and has distorted his view of my attractiveness and his expectations of real sex,solely for his personal satisfaction. I also have a hunch that he may be a narcissist as he exhibits many narcissistic traits and I’m not sure where to go from here. I want to be with him as everything else in our marriage is good, but I also dont want a partner who is just focused on their self-interest and what he has to lose by giving this up.
Kelly
How do I move forward?
Lane
Unfortunately, this may be what eventually breaks you, and/or the marriage up. I would definitely read up on “codependency” as you are at a very high risk of becoming one, if you haven’t already.
You need to know that narcissism is part and parcel of addicts. You need to accept that you can’t fix him, can’t force him to stop, threaten, or change him as he needs to want to stop more than you do in order for him to tackle his addiction. Even if he does, the phycological (e.g. narcissism) will take much longer. Living with those who have addictions is exhausting, tiring, and they will eventually wear you down, and rob you of your happiness. Only you can know how much more you can take before you decide to stay or go. Ultimately, it will be your choice as he’s been making his even though he knows he’s hurting you by engaging in it.
I’ve been there (mine was alcoholism), done that, and will never ever ever ever do it again!
AngieBaby
“however, he does not want to quit.”
I didn’t need to read past that. That’s the truth of who he is – he needs porn in his life. Either you can live with it or not. It sounds to me like you can’t. Sorry, that’s an incompatibility that’s a dealbreaker. I know it’s sad and it’s going to hurt but it’s time for you to come to terms with the situation and get out. You need to get in touch with yourself and what you want out of life and start prioritizing yourself. He is never going to change. How much more of your valuable time do you want to waste?
cupcake
Agree with the others. This is his choice to make and you can’t really do anything. Just like with any other addiction it is down to the addict to make a choice to get better. If he choses his addiction over you it should be game over.
I think it’s great you are going to couple’s counseling, but you might have to face the truth that he isn’t willing or able to change.
Maddie
Anyone who doesn’t want to quit won’t. In that mindset, past behavior is the best indication of future. His past behavior was to lie about it, minimize it, hide relapses, and continue to indulge in it even though it hurt both you and your relationship. It’s great he’s going to therapy, but it sounds like he was dragged there and is doing it more to convince you to stay than to make any changes. Addictions also don’t happen in a vacuum, and he needs to address the pain in his life that led him to numbing it out and avoiding it through porn… if he’s not ready to “give it up” then he’s not ready to confront and heal the underlying issues. That’s not on you and it’s unrelated to how much he loves you or doesn’t. It’s him not being ready or willing to deal with it and learn healthier coping mechanisms.
Are you going to individual therapy? You should consider it if you’re not already to explore why you’ve “patiently” stayed in a situation with a man you describe as narcissistic and an addict who isn’t treating you as you deserve. Even if *he’s* not ready to heal and change and focus on personal development, that doesn’t mean you can’t do those things for yourself.
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