Post Break-Up confusion

I had been with my boyfriend for ten months, which had been great. The both of us always talked about how easy our relationship was because we just got each other. Loved one another friends and families as well, and even went on two trips together. Fast forward to two months back, he was preparing to leave for a six week training and ended up leaving unexpectedly quick. We had a rocky time during this, something that was new to both of us because we had never had so much as a disagreement. He was stressed, worried about leaving for 6 months after, and I was lonely, just wanting to talk to him when we could.

That quickly turned hostile towards me. He didn’t want to talk about how his day was, or what was going on new with his life. This was hot and cold for a couple of weeks as sometimes he was really wonderful. Telling me how much he missed me, sending me flirty pics and wanting to plan a trip for when covid became less of a problem as we would both be vaccinated by then. Right before he came home to leave for the six months, things turned hostile again and we ended up in a big fight for really the first time ever. I was left in utter shock as for the last two months all I asked was that he communicate with me if he needed space or anything as I knew he was under a lot of stress. Which he never did. This fight included a lot of low blows, calling me completely needy and requiring a need for constant affirmation because I liked to hear goodnight I love you every night. Things that just to be honest did not make any sense as I backed off a lot during the time he had been gone. The weekend he came home for we spent Friday night together. Had at the beginning an awkward dinner, things started to feel more normal and we had sex and spent the night watching movies and laughing. The following morning he showed a lot of irritation, something that was just confusing to me. I left to go walk the beach and clear my head and in turn asked if we could clear the air on everything that had been bothering me from the time that he was gone.

We met up the following day and I was left with a broken heart. He told me he didn’t feel the same way, and after our honeymoon phase had ended months before that the feelings died. I was crushed as I pictured spending the rest of my life with this man. He didn’t have any answers to the questions I was asking and just repeatedly told me I deserved better than him, that he had been unsure and that wasn’t fair to me as he was leaving for the next six months.

The confusing part is that while I was sitting there crying trying to wrap my brain around what just came about, all he wanted to do was console me. He put his hand on my thigh, talked about all the good times we had, hugged me tighter than ever and just kept apologizing. Saying that I was a total catch, an amazing girlfriend and how he just didn’t treat me like I had deserved. He sat there with me for over an hour as he didn’t want me leaving so upset. We talked some more, joked and even laughed a bit. I stood up and he just hugged me tighter and didn’t want to let go. He ended up kissing me multiple times as well. I just know this may be denial talking, but things just did not feel right about the whole thing. He never showed signs of this until he left, I even asked him flat out if there was someone else to which he even showed me his phone to prove there wasn’t. I was just left feeling like it was completely what he wanted, as he mentioned how angry his friends and family would even be for letting me go. He just kept telling me it wasn’t fair to string me along for six months.