Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Post break-up couple counselling?
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Newbie.
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D.
Hi,
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year a month ago, and we are currently in NC. I’m seeing a therapist to work on some personal wounds, mostly related to my childhood.
Without me even thinking about this possibility, my therapist told me that we could, if I want, do a session with him at some point, because one of the main issue I had with my couple find an echo with the broken relationship I have with my parents.
It’s not really with the goal to work on us to get back together, but more to offer a neutral space where we can meet again each with our “baggage”, talk about what happened, find out why and grow from it.I’m a bit hesitant. I like the idea because there is still so many things that I would love to understand about this relationship and why it failed.
I’m pretty sure he would be up for it as he really wanted to try again with me, but I don’t want him to see that as a way to get back together or to stir painful feelings for him.
I broke up because he wasn’t committed.What do you think?
ThanksElvira
I really don’t see the point in having a couples session if you have no interest in getting back together. I would think the point of seeing a therapist is to work on your own issues/self attachment style. What is one session going to resolve? You say the breakup was due to his lack of commitment, if those are his issues how does that help you? That is why the relationship failed his lack of commitment that has nothing to do with you. If you need to speak to the therapist about your ability to leave a relationship that isn’t working, such as sticking with a man who has an avoidant attachment issue then again its working on yourself not trying to understand why he is that way. That is just my opinion, I would suggest reading the book “Attached” it has valuable information on attachment styles that are inherited as children.
Raven
I think you should let it go…
I also think your therapist is a little kooky for suggesting this…T from NY
I have a psychology degree, over a decade of individual therapy for myself, and have worked in human services for over 10 years. I think your therapists suggestion is just plain off the mark. Like really bizarre. You should be focusing on you. And if the impetus for you breaking up with this guy was lack of commitment – how is sitting with him in an intimate setting of sharing and being vulnerable gonna help you detach from someone who was not investing in you? You should be commended for standing up for your needs within a relationship. So many women would rather be in relationships with people who are not committed to them properly – then to be alone. Good for you.
D.
Thank you all for your insight !
It really helped to see how it’s not going to serve me in any way. I guess a part of me is still craving the deep emotional bond we never had, but it’s not gonna help me to heal. I definitely don’t want to go back to him, and I need to hold strong on that decision. Being vulnerable again in front of him would make this very difficult. It’s actually really difficult right now because I’ve been thinking/fantasizing a lot about us being vulnerable and really open with each other since my counsellor suggested that meeting.
My therapist is great, I’m making a lot of progress, but I understand why you find this bizarre or kooky though. I was a little taken aback too at first. I barely talked about this relationship, all he knows is that I broke up with him recently, still trying to heal, still in love and can’t focus on our past right now because my childhood issues are more urgent. I didn’t explain why I broke up and why I don’t want to go back to him. I hope that will be the only bizarre thing in our sessions though, it makes me a little bit more wary now.
Thanks for the book recommendation Elvira, I’ll look into it !
Newbie
I agree with what was said already. I also think you dont need it. If this relationship is an echo of your parents as in dad/bf not all in, being absent then there is no reason to research this. He is the type of guy you have to learn to avoid. Thats the hard part, especially the self love part. What T sometimes calls a radical selflove program (i love that reference) And you did take a big step in seeing he wasnt really commited so you broke up. Healing from childhood experiences to me is a bit much but seeing through the repeated patterns is not and from what you said you recognized an important pattern an broke through it. So halleluja for that. I do recommend an article from alain de botton from a few years, how we will marry the wrong persons.
Good luck!!D.
Thank you for your supportive comment Newbie, it’s heartwarming and empowering to read your kind words :)
I’ll check this article from A. De Botton, sounds interesting. And what is it, this radical self-love program ? I’m curious about it !
Newbie
Its a description from T from NC. I think its doing all the hard work until you fully believe you are worthy of all the best in life and going to the core adressing issues. Of course she can explain better. What i like about it is that it shows its hard work you do to better yourself
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