Preparing myself for the "pull away"

I do know its coming! I expect it. I do not think he is my boyfriend, and I don’t act like it, which he notes. He saw texts from another guy on my phone saturday morning when I was in the shower and was like : “TKTK is texting you” nad i just smiled and said thanks and took my phone. I keep things casual. I still am not 100% sure I want him to be my boyfriend; we’re getting to know each other. I just don’t want to go CRAZY while he shifts his behavior the next few weeks. I like consistency, you know? I think we all do. I think that’s good advice Alia.

hahah I wish I liked TTKTK hehe (he lives in another state anyway, but my guy doesn’t need to know that). I think one of my friends has made me nervous as well because she’s like: This will be a big week for you in figuring out how he feels because of how he reacts! And in my head I’m thinking like… yeah but won’t he almost like guaranteed do the “pull away” after so much together time? So I think it’s making me paranoid that’s a bad sign even though its normal…

Thanks Hannah.

So I do really like him. He’s different than most guys I’ve liked or dated. He’s more quiet, more serious and steady, but also not a great communicator (he also hasn’t been in a lot of serious relationships – he was mesmerized by the simplest things of my “female” behavior that makes me wonder how much time he’s even spent with a woman – like, dry shampoo is mind boggling to you? me not washing my hair every day is a shocker?) But he’s very generous (both financially and affectionate in surprising ways) and I grew quiet on Saturday night because I was nervous about my ex boyfriend being near, and he had no idea why and he kept being like, what’s wrong? you’re quiet, I can see the wheels in your head turning. what’s wrong? you only seem quiet around me. what’s going on? – I’ve been with men who could never even pick up when I was worried/nervous/upset after months of being with me. so that says a lot.

but, i’m a little worried that we might not be connecting enough. i’m worried we’re too different. i’m also worried i’m over analyzing so early on!

and i’m worried i’m going to go nuts if he takes like… three days this week of no contact!!!

I recommend alternating 10 pushups with 10 sit-ups 10 times.

@alia – hahaha, I love that, add 12 burpies to the mix.

Carcar, you are running ahead of the carriage. Things are moving along fine, when he pulls away, if he pulls away, you’ll figure out what to do. Maybe you won’t care, you said you are not 100% sure of him anyway.

So I loved Maria’s comment about me getting ahead of the carriage (it was hilarious and probably true), but of course, me being me, I am still in my head today. he seemed normal yesterday (we parted on Sunday), and he was going out of his way to text me a few things despite being busy at work and tag me in Instagram photos that made him think of me (something he’s never done before). So I felt calm and fine (especially with you ladies). But today he sent me a kind of weird, like overly polite text. Overly polite texts make me nervous (do they make anyone else nervous? I feel like people are only overly polite with each other when they are taking a step back). He sent me a text saying he had a great time this weekend, and thanking me for inviting him along (it was a work trip I included him in, as a mutual friend of his was also there). He also said “let me know if I owe you any $$…I think I paid for 1 cab the whole trip!” (he is very careful to always be extremely generous with me).

I could be just reading into it like the weirdo I am, but it just seems soooooo polite. I couldn’t respond for two hours bc I was in a meeting, but he never responded to my response. weird. (my brain keeps going “pull away, pull away, pull away? pull away, pull away, pull away?”)

Thanks Carrie! I’m being good and mirroring his contact patterns. I’m just being a weirdo/psycho by analyizng everything! (There’s way too much to analyze these days between social media, texting, etc). He just friended me on Facebook too… also a good (albeit small) good sign I think.

Lol! Just love, love love Alia’s advice!! I am going to borrow that for when my brain starts making up stories too.

But yeah, I would just write a list out of what seems to trigger for you (like worrying about his text being too polite) and put them aside. Because using your brain (or ours) to try to interpret what they could mean doesn’t necessarily accurately depict what his brain was thinking. An overly polite text could just as easily mean he had an awesome time with you and he wants to amp up his game and make a good impression with you (to redeem the “hooking up” comment). And since your brain is just coming up with guesses, you can go with the most benign guess (since he is thinking whatever he is thinking, and your brain guesses don’t change that) because if you go on the assumption of the benign guess, you are more likely to behave in a grounded, happy way than an anxious way. That was kind of convoluted, but hope it sort of makes sense.

Carrie, I AM one of those stalkers unfortunately. I’m an ultimate stalker. My friends even turn to me to help them dig up dirt on guys they’re seeing I’m so good at it. I’m so embarrassed at how good at it i am I wont even get into it (I used to be an investigative news reporter – part of the job). But yes it drives me even bonkers.

Miss blissful I know. The thing is also is that’s where his kind went when he was drunk. When he’s sober he always, and in public amongst mutual friends, says we are dating. “Oh tell so and so you’re dating this persons cousin!” Or jokingly: “why are you dating me now?” But the fact drunkenly he chose to use that turn of phrase… Drunken words are sober thoughts?

Funny I feel like you are the voice from inside the male brain. Here’s hoping.

He’s been pretty steady (for him) with texts the past two days, maybe even more so than before the trip, and even upp-ed our social media communicating, but he has still to set a date for us to see each other again. I’m continuing to mirror him.

oh this is such familiar territory. We worry over what hasn’t happend and our greatest fears usually don’t come to pass……….in my case anway.

SUN – Happy birthday first, I’ll be joining the ranks at the end of the year :). I can relate to the OP and others here and its so important to busy your mind with other things when you find yourself getting batty.

If not for this forum and my two kids I’d be a bat with my bf as well. When you get accustom to a pattern or routine (for me its been 13months) it makes it a lot easier. But I’ve been where you are carcar and that only recently if you can believe it. At our 2-4 month mark, I wasn’t on this forum and had no fears of him ‘ghosting’ or ‘pulling away’ actually he was making me feel like he was in this for the long haul and he still does/has.

However, I must admit I do freak out nowadays and I don’t even know why. It just happens. Like Sun suggested tho I NEVER act out of my thoughts and feelings, instead I come here, do some reading and see if I can help or encourage anyone on the forum. I also call my peeps and talk about nonsense stuff, or if all else fails I go on a TV or netflix binge. There are so many other things to do that worry about what we can’t control anyway.

This weekend I did so much house cleaning b/c I wasn’t hearing from him after Thursday (he tol me he’d be on a new project and had to cancel our weekend away :( ) it was cold outside so a great time to do some indoor winter cleaning.

I sometimes forget how far along we are, when I read this forum of the ‘newbies’ less than 3months in, I am glad to offer a bit of knowledge.

All in all, you been given some great advise here, free your mind, exersie, take a walk, get a mani pedi, read o book etc. anything to keep your sanity. and oh yes, stop stalking.

Neither of us are on social media (well I am but he’s not) so I got nothing to stalk. I’m sure you and he will be fine.

Thank you Hannah. OMG! You are so right about that dark imaginings. My sister and I call it the demons whispering in our ears and we’re not going to let them win. I do the same exact thing, I re-assess my current situation, I look around and I say, what am I doing right now? Am I safe? Yes, I’m in the office. Just got off a conference call and preparing for the next. So in reality, nothing bad is happening to me. My boyfriend is not about to pull away after spending the weekend meeting my sister and her husband; after he posted picture of us in his FB and we finally decided we’ll be Facebook friends and to really hit the home run and why not, we even change our status to In Relationship like a couple of teenagers. We’ve been together for 8 months and this is another new development in our relationship that we can finally admit and let the whole world know that we are bf/gf, LOL!!!

When I got back to reality (home), I had all these thoughts that he may feel scared and start the pull away, caveman act, etc… I started analyzing his texts, blah, blah, blah…Then I snap myself back to reality and I say to myself, if it does happen, I’d still be okay as I’ve always been before I met him and came into my life. In my head, we’ve broken out so many times. he’s pulled away, ghosted, left me for another woman, etc… Then again, I snapped back to reality and then repeat. I do not act out these insecurities and self made distractions but I do let them flow through me than resist them. That way, I get them out of my system before my next meeting with my BF. By the time of our next get together, I am the same person when he first met: fun, not invested, just enjoying the moment, not acting needy, scared, and having certain expectations and wanting certain outcomes based on what he said or the way he acted towards me. At that moment, he’s just a man who is getting to know a woman and vice versa.

It is harder said than done but when you actually experience losing someone unexpectedly (late husband), you become more in tune to want to live in the moment, be present than worrying about what may or may not happen and missing out on this special day – one more day you got to wake up and practically, do everything over and better. Life is way too short. Enjoy living it not thinking and feeling about it.