Preparing myself for the "pull away"

Sun I know exactly what you mean! I replay every possible scenario over and over for absolutely no reason because usually what actually happens is a scenario I hadn’t even thought of!

Yes, letting the thoughts flow and rationalising them is the way to go. Challenge them, question the logic and the reality in what you are thinking. Don’t let them take over! I now have a “sensible me” in my head that sorts the “crazy me” out!

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother suddenly and expectedly, as well as a few friends. It certianly makes you want to live in the present. And you’re right, if you can cope with that, you can cope with anything! Whatever this relationship may throw at you!

Do you find it’s given you morbid thoughts though? I find if my husband is late home or I can’t get in contact with someone i love, I instantly think they are dead! It’s silly and I know the chances are they’re not, but it’s where my mid goes to first. A friend of mine lost her partner suddenly and she gets the same thing.

I’m so pleased you have managed to find happiness with someone new and the relationship is going strong. Keep enjoying it and make sure the crazy you takes a back seat!

I love knowing that I am crazy, but not alone. Haha the sad thing is he thinks I’m so sane. If he only knew I know his Instagram followers and followee count by heart and track down whoever the new ones are (I promise I am chilling on that).

Our lovely weekend together ended Sunday, I’ve heard from him everyday since (albeit not today), but he has yet to make plans to see me again (although there was a chance I was going to be away for work this weekend). We shall see…

Hannah,

The unexpected death of my husband actually woke me up. I was a worry wart and I still am only this time I am aware when I am doing it and I catch myself and regroup so I can intelligently and logically assess the reality of the situation. I also learned that he passed away happy because he never worried about things that has not happened and he didn’t know whether or not they’re going to happen. I am very insecure about finances because I grew up poor and so was he. But the difference is how my late husband dealt with that insecurity or pas experience. He didn’t worry about becoming poor again because there was no real evidence that he and I would based on our “real” situation. I, however, was always fearful so I had anxieties when there was nothing to support it at all. I sometimes feel I like worrying because it feels like I am prepared for the worst when in fact, I am forgetting to live and enjoy my not poor life. You see how damaging our negative thoughts and imagined fears? Very destructive. It’s also mentally paralyzing and limiting your creativity and resolve.

I took an emotional test for fun and I came out “fearful”. Yes, that’s how I apparently view things and situations in my life that’s why I don’t take risks even when the odds of succeeding far outweighs the failure but because “I am afraid”, I don’t get to experience the journey to something great. I find fear so debilitating so whenever I start to think like a crazy bat, I start to recite the Our father who art in heaven…, or I start counting my blessings starting from how I can eat whatever I want, I can exercise because nothing hurts and I have illness that limits what food I can take and I can take a hot shower, we have heat, I have a good job, etc… Once I do that, the reality sets in and the crazy bat fades away but it’s very hard. Sometimes I just entertain the worries and anxieties and soak it all in with a set time frame and deadline when it’s supposed to be over then I move on. It takes practice.

I also keep this quote from Steve Jobs close to my heart and mind when I’m in that crazy bat mode: It keeps things in perspective and reels me back in to what really matters right now, today, in the present.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.

Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”

@Sun – happy birthday!! enjoy life, love and sex, women only get better with age lol

I am very sorry for your loss, nothing compares to losing a person physically. It makes me think how I take the good things in my life for granted.

@Carcar – his polite text was OK, please stop agonizing over every little thing he says. Give a guy a break. Sometimes me feels more, sometimes less, feelings come in waves, it is normal. Just take it easy and enjoy him and your relationship. You are going to scare this guy away with your paranoia if you don’t make an effort!

I cracked this morning guys. He’s been okay for him texting wise all week (good monday and tuesday, not great yesterday) but hasn’t set anything up to see me all week so I slept horribly last night. I woke up feeling antsy, and I cracked and sent him a text that said: what are you doing for this snowstorm this weekend?

ugh. now i feel cranky that i did that and weak.

i should have stayed strong. there were other signs – things he told a mutual girlfriend, the facebook request, just other little signs – that were in a positive direction that i know aren’t important but should have kept me from freaking out. i freaked out.

it’s not the end of the world but i still look a little needy. like i cant go 5 days without seeing him.

Of course, he responded to my comment, but the conversation sounded a bit evasive. He talked about a party he committed to on Saturday, I talked about a party I was going to on Saturday, I mentioned we might just be snowed in. He didn’t say anything about making plans together (I didn’t directly either, however). but the conversation felt stilted, a bit forced, and ended with a flirty text from me. I feel really, really rough right now. :( Can I get some virtual hugs?

@Maria
Thank you!!! We had a great time last night as always. I was just my PRESENT self and nothing else.

– What should I do if he reaches back out early next week and says let’s get together now? Act like things are totally fine?
You should accept it and be that person he met on your first few dates.

-Should I ever try to talk to him about how while I don’t want a higher level of commitment, I do want a bigger level of consideration?

Given his current behavior, I would not approach this subject because it will come off as being “demanding” and that would also make him feel and think that he’s disappointing you and that he’s not making you happy. Read on that – when a man feels he’s not delivering the goods, he will pull away.

– It’s so crazy to me thinking interest level is low considering he is so PDA to me in front of all his friends, and so generous but then he does shit like this. I mean it’s obvious that’s what it means, but still! He even did a few things immediately after the weekend that looked like he was taking the relationship in a new direction, things he had never done before.

Stay away from interpreting his actions when you’re together as a measurement of this interest level after that moment. Men live in the moment and they act on their feelings just at that moment. You should be doing the same. After reading all the articles here, books, and from my own past experience, the man’s actions when you’re with him is not a sign of “guarantee” that it is what he will always feel for the long term or that they’re signs he wants to take it to the next level. You will only know if he wants to take it to another level when: 1) he makes plans to be with you on a regular basis; 2) he consistently check in; 3) he keeps making plans and showing up – consistently. That’s how I know when my BF wanted more.

In the first month of dating, my BF would ask me before we part when we can get together again. He consistently texts and called before he goes to sleep. I told him that I don’t want him to do these things if this is not the norm because anything out of the norm for someone would become unsustainable and creates certain expectations from the recipient and when a man slowly changes his interaction with you that you are now used to, it creates confusion as what’s happening now with you. He told me that this is who he is and I said, okay.

There was one time that he made plans with a caveat that it might get cancelled because of work. I said, I’d rather not make plans when there’s a caveat because I don’t want to reprogram myself from thinking it’s going to happen then it’s now. I told him, I do not handle that type situation well. He never did that again. When it’s that time of the month that his work requires him to work late, he tells me ahead of time and he makes make-up plans. I also notice that when this happens, he is consistently staying connected through texts and he sends me flowers and apologizes for not being able to be with me. Those times his work get in the way is so far in between.

Month 2, he’s seeing me twice a week. 2 1/2 months in, he told me he loves me. Was I freaking out? Hell yeah!!! I freak out all the time especially when we part after a long weekend getaway or vacation. That’s when all these crazy thoughts flood my mind to the point I get so scared of getting hurt that I’d consider perhaps breaking up with him. LOL!!! The more I spend time with him the more I get so invested and the more I get scared of getting hurt if it doesn’t work out. So, I just think and think these things and then I show up as if it’s the first time we are having a date. When I do that, it stops my mind from looking forward.

– Also, he has some of my stuff from this weekend! I casually mentioned it when he texted me earlier this week and he made a joke he was using it (he could have easily said he would give it to one of our mutual friends to get back to me quicker if he wanted).
Yes, he could have said that but he didn’t. At the same time, I wouldn’t take that he’s very interested as clearly, he’s not making any plans to get together soon. That’s actually the issue here and only he knows why he’s not making that move. Perhaps, he’s evaluating the situation. You’re at that 2.5 month mark where the guy is determining if he wants to take it further.

Carcar,
I just read through this thread. This guy seems like a reserved, introverted, take it slow kind of guy. Why are you freaking out? Why the rush? Just relax.

I always think if a guy didn’t keep my interest by initiating conversations, dates, plans – then HE should worry that I might get swept off my feet by someone else. Maybe you should start thinking that way too.

Back off and stay quiet until he asks you out again. He’s not the kind of guy to rush, I am guessing, so accept that and be kind if he asks to see you again. In the meantime, stop pining away for him – you seem like a smart woman – cultivate your own fun, get yourself out there and be a girl that guys want to sweep off her feet!

Carcar,

Girl, you are ALL over the place here!! You go from worrying this guy is going to pull away and how to handle it to wanting to end it yourself to gain control!!! You have got to calm down here. Like you said…step back and breathe. You had a life before you met this guy and now you’re acting like he’s the sun and your world revolves around him and it with cease to exist if he does disappears!! That is not the case.

And there is nothing you have said to make me think this guy is being disrespectful to you. Why do you feel that way? Because it’s Thursday and he hasn’t made plans to see you this weekend? That’s not disrespectful. You spent the entire weekend together last weekend and this is definitely the point in a relationship where a guy is evaluating whether to take this further or not. Let him have some time to do that. If you freak out on him that will certainly make his decision for him!

Yes it’s going to be hard. Yes you are going to have to learn how to control your thoughts and not let them take over. But you are definitely sounding needy here: ” I wish he would be more considerate of what i want (better and more consistent communication)”

I know you don’t see it this way but getting better and more consistent communication from a guy IS wanting more commitment from him. Once he is committed to you, he doesn’t mind checking in with you, letting you know his plans, telling you what he’s doing, making the good night phone calls, etc. But until he is ready to give up some of his freedom and commit, odds are you aren’t going to get the communication that you are wanting.

So if you can’t sit back and calm down and let this develop naturally and let him determine if he’s willing to step up a little bit, then he’ll be gone and you’ll be going through this same exercise with the next guy.

We are all a little crazy and have times when we let our thoughts get the better of us, but it doesn’t mean we should act on them. It ‘s like I’ve said in another post one of my favorite Gin Blossoms songs…”Well maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools, I’ll just figure everything is cool, Until I hear it from you….As far as I know, nothing’s wrong, Until I hear it from you”

It helps to calm yourself down if you assume everything is fine, the guy still likes you, assume he had a great weekend, assume he is still all in…until you hear otherwise from him!!

Carcar,

I have no tricks this time around at this stage of my life. I read up, go in this forum to learn some more and just having faith in myself that I am the only person responsible for my own happiness and no one else. I didn’t always have that outlook that why each day we grow and learn and move on. When you let anyone in you life, you should come from a place of giving instead of what you can get out of from someone. Perhaps because I am older. I’m financially established. I’ve been married and have a child. My career is where I want it to be but most of all, when I removed all sense of expectations from other people with respect to my own happiness, that’s when I got better at controlling my crazy thoughts and not letting it consume me to the point of projecting all that crazy nutty vibes to everyone around me.

Back in the old days, I’d feel sadness and anxieties when I didn’t my boyfriend or the guy I’m dating as much as I want to or he did not act the way I perceived he should act towards me. I was one of those women who would cancel on their girlfriends over a boy. I was boy crazy and the only thing that saved me was my big old pride. I’m a proud person so I didn’t stick around when the guy was wishy washy because I knew what I wanted. Then I met my late husband and I was still the same me but this time, he was the right match, he wanted the same things. I refused to play the game or the rules. It turns out it has always been rather simple and uncomplicated when both parties want the same thing.

I applied the same approach with my current BF. I told him what I was looking for from first date. I gauge his interest level by his words and actions matching up consistently – that was day by day as we got to know each other. I freaked out a few times and it’s about the texting – how long in between, blah, blah. But I just kept taking it one day at a time. I look for consistency in words and actions and that if he wants the same thing, it will happen organically. In the meantime, just chillax. He isn’t your boyfriend, he owes you nothing at this point while he may be thinking whether to move forward or not and if so, very slowly.

I went a whole 18 hours without feeling crazy! Now I’m back to feeling antsy. It’s been 23 hours since we last communicated which I initiated (as I said it didn’t go great, so it’s lingering over me). I went to the gym and a party last night and I came home feeling confident and good… And woke up feeling shitty and awful. Keep thinking he knows what he’s doing and how can he be doing this?! I want out of my head.

I’ve been there before, you sound exactly like my texts to my best friend haha. It’s just because you initiated etc it can make you feel that way. Anyway, don’t feel weird about his text, all is well, you are overanalyzing it by thinking it isn’t good that he didn’t give a specific day right now. What he said was good/normal. Just be happy with what he said & leave it at that. You have to learn how to be satisfied with what he says, & learn to leave it at that, otherwise you’ll be insatiable & will keep feeling unease. Try to not be so dependent on the thought of him. You have a life, friends etc you are not a hermit whose only human interaction is him lol chill out have fun you’ll be good :)