Preparing myself for the "pull away"

thanks ashley – i do think the text is a good one i’m just annoyed he isn’t making plans because we haven’t seen each other all week (unusual, but fine) and he’s not trying to see me particularly any time soon. i’m just wondering if it’s like a roundabout ay to keep me at bay.

i just need to see what happens i guess. i haven’t done anything crazy (i wish i hadnt inititated yesterday though), so im fine.

I have been very very busy lately – a lot of deadlines with work – and I have been going to the gym, a party last night, a work lunch today, etc. but I can’t help where my mind wonders, you know?

I feel like his recent behavior doesn’t really warrant such lavish displays of affection…

I’m with Maria that “that sounds great” sounds a bit cold and like you’re not that bothered. You have to be careful that your freaking out doesn’t make you defensive and negative. I would have taken that as an invitation for a date and importantly asked when! If a friend said “we should go for dinner soon” wouldn’t you say “yes I’d love to, when are you free”? I know I would. If I asked someone if they’d like to do something and they just said “yes great”, I’d think they weren’t that bothered to make plans with me.

I think you are acting not like yourself and at some point he will sense that and like others said getting mixed signals. You’re playing games and i’m afraid it will bite you in the ass. You cant play a guy into a relationship so accepting that he is his own person who might or not want to be with you to which you have no control over, works far better for your state of mind. And gives you the oppurtunity to be yourself in the best way. Let go of the idea you can influence the outcome of two people getting together.

Hi CarCar and ladies,

I love this thread by the way. I’ve been there, done that, and occasionally been there again and back. It’s a vicious cycle and I can totally relate. Like you Car, I also have very high expectations of people and yes, I get disappointed a lot but that was before I learned to weed out the ones, friends, family, co-workers, staff, etc… I stop being with people who are not a match to my values, beliefs, outlook in life, etc… And just like dating, that’s the exercise that we go through. We’re all looking for that connection. You have a great connection when the other party meets your expectations without changing their own self, i.e., that’s who they are already. This is when relationship becomes uncomplicated, easy, free, and a lot of fun: When two people are on the same page, with the same wants and needs but are still two individuals that bring the best version of themselves to become an extension to each others lives. You both fulfill each other. I only realized this when I met my late husband. He was who he was, very independent, knew what he wanted. We were a match and we made each other a better person. It’s how I feel I have with my current BF.

All these negative feelings you’re experiencing is not about him not meeting your expectations, he is just not a match. It’s missing compatibility because from your perspective, you wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing but he isn’t you. You’re two different people who do and perhaps not want the same thing. And sometimes, it has nothing to do with anything other than he’s not feeding your ego. I know that when I start to feel that somebody should be acting the way I think they should be acting towards me, my ego is at play. When I turn that off, I feel better. That’s when I can focus on other things in my life than what I cannot control or have no control over. Only he know why his not making any solid plans with you. I feel your frustration because at this point, it’s getting harder and harder to interact with him as you are just flooded with all these thoughts and it’s hard to see and think clearly and yes, you feel so not in control and that also is driving you crazy. You feel that he’s got all this power over you and there’s nothing you can do.

But there is something you can do. You can be who you are. If being who you are turns him off or makes him pull away, then he’s not ready. He just isn’t ready enough to really invest getting to know you at this point. I’ve done and said so many things that both my late husband and my current BF would have run away so fast when we’re at the dating stage. They didn’t because they want the same things I want. We were a match, we’re compatible. All those things that we should and shouldn’t do in the dating phase are yes, backfires or send the men away only happens when they don’t want the same thing.

I just told my BF I’m addicted to him after he told me he really misses me (stuck in snowstorm). He told me he’s addicted to me too. See, if I told that to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, there’d be that dreaded “pull away”, “distant”, etc…stunts and obviously I’d be posting here and analyzing if what I said scared him.

Chillax. If he mentions something about going out, tell him you’d love to and when can he do it. If he gives you the evasive answer every time he dangles the carrot – then you have the right to think that he maybe just keeping you at bay and that’s when you should really start thinking if this is a guy you want to be with. Because if you want him, you maybe posting here again. Just saying.

I totally agree with you sun. I came late to the love games, so i had to learn fast. I can relate to car car, because i met a guy i was really really into. turned out to be the typical emotionally unavailable so after coming here, i took my shots at cracking him open. Worked fine. But i still was working my own agenda i guess and at some point i realized i don’t like being with people who pressure me or manipulate me, so why would i try it on some one else. Some one who is trying to tell me he has a hard time with relationships but who also shows he cares about me a lot. That’s when i let go, let go of all the playing, expectations etc and guess what. We just cant get enough of each other. So i know it was something inside me that set this off. I also agree with the ego thing. I let go of that too at the same time. This is why is said to carcar that guys know when you are being fake. At least i expect they feel it

When it”s meant to be, it meant to be. Nothing you can say or do would make a man run away from you. i’m not talking about being a real bitch and inconsiderate but the right love is always easy because you want the same things. If one is not ready or there’s an absolute imbalance, no amount of analyzing and thinking about it would result in a positive way. The best thing you can really do is recognize these red flag early on and have the courage to walk away and open up the opportunity for the right man to come into your life.

I sense that you are way too focused on him. You felt annoyed that he went to the bar with his roommates. It has the undertone that you EXPECT him to do what you want/wish he would do. It doesn’t work that way, & it shouldn’t. It just comes off as a little on the clingy side. I know you don’t mean it like that but these little things can manifest & guys can pick up on that vibe. If you were going out with the girls & a guy was pouting (even if it was just in his own head) that you didn’t go with HIM instead, wouldn’t that kinda turn you off ? I get turned off when guys are like that. Just pointing it out to you because you may not notice it. You seem dependent on him in a way that could really manifest. You both should have your own life. Sure you are living your own life, but in your mind, you’re fixated on what he is doing, which is why you feel this way. I think if you feel weirdness it is from your own feelings of over-analyzing everything. Try to work on not obsessing cause he WILL start to feel it, if he hasn’t already. Even if you act cool on the surface.

This is where letting him know what makes you happy can be helpful. When he is with you tell him, “I really enjoy my time with you, being with you makes me happy.”

See if that does not increase his time with you….it may work wonders.

Yea, I just mean the undertone of it ya know, I used to have the same thoughts & the guys always picked up on it, even though I never showed it. Haha I know what you mean about the blizzard thing! I keep seeing memes about it on ig & I feel the same way lol

You guys are great. Thanks so much for keeping me sane. Talking to my IRL friends help, but I can only ask so much of them so this site is a great balance for me.

I haven’t been on another date for almost three weeks, just because of busy schedules, etc. I am not opposed to it, but we’re also not sleeping with other people. One of my guy friends said that means he’s well on his way to serious with me. What are your thoughts on that? When we agreed to that, I didn’t think that’s what it meant, I thought it was more of a safety, hygenic thing. (who sleeps with more than one person at a time? ick, right?).

anyway i feel like he was sweet and normal on Saturday – even a little more so than normal – but then kind of weird on Sunday. i hope it doesn’t have anything to do with meeting girls at the bar on Saturday night, but my mind is spinning again.

when we made plans for dinner this week, he told me he was free every day but wednesday, so he doesn’t have any other dates set up (going to a concert with his friends). although he could easily go on another date, that is fine! i’m just throwing things around.

Lol! I must have been this funny when I was in your shoes ages ago. I used to convene a tribunal to analyze a guy’s text or email until all my friends just actually confuse me even more and all the while, I still didn’t know WTF is going on and WTF he meant. It’s torture. The flood of anxieties were unbearable and of course, it was always with a guy who never worked out – I should paid attention to the red flags, DUH! Lol! 1) if you have to convene a tribunal to analyze his words and actions, you’re more invested and so much far ahead in what state of the relationship is supposed to be at, 2) he’s hot and cold, and most importantly, 3) he hasn’t made you two officially bf/gf.

Telling you that he wants an exclusive FWB is not the same as potentially going to progress to bf/gf relationship. It only means and this is just me, he’s getting the physical part exclusively because let’s face it, men are territorial with everything but don’t be surprised if he inadvertently sleep with someone else. He was clear with you. While your “exclusively” giving him the free milk, you’re catcihng feelings and hence, why you’re here in this forum. He is certainly not sure about you two as bf/gf. For whatever reasons, we will never know. But here’s what you absolutely unequivocally know as hard facts:

1) he hasn’t asked to be hi gf
2) he isn’t acting like he is ready to take it to another level, hence, the lack of follow up get together and the hot and cold routine
3) why should he step up if he’s getting what he wants when he wants and exclusively. Why the heck would you enter in an agreement like that. The guy has no incentive to make it official because he’s getting it without a commitment. It’s a very sweet deal for him.

I would continue to date him but I’d stop sleeping with him. Your body, mind and heart are all connected. If he wants your body, he needs to earn your heart first. If he disappears after that, then you’d be certain he’s not the right man for you.

The one thing I can say is it’s not a FWB situation. He takes me on very nice, well-planned lavish dates (I don’t think a single one has cost under $300, due to his penchant for expensive wine). They all, except two, have been initiated by him.

However, I did “give it up” much earlier on than I normally do. So much in fact, I wasn’t sure if I would be hearing from him again. I was like, ok that’s fine, but then I did. And I kept hearing from him. And then, as you know, now I like him. Still not sure if I want him to be my boyfriend, but I like him a lot. I obsess over him and other girls (ugh!) because of my competitive nature. I want to continue sleeping with him (the sex is so good!) but I think maybe I’ll pull back on it a bit (sometimes I initiate it, although rarely), so maybe it would be good to make it a harder feat for him. And the conversation we had about not sleeping with other people didn’t really come from him telling me what to do, but more so because we aren’t using condoms (I really don’t want anyone I’m sleeping with to be sleeping with anyone else either!).

Okay probably too much info, but you get the drift…