Preparing myself for the "pull away"

Way too early to be in this mode, especially since you are not bf/ gf and that you don’t even know if you want him to be your bf. I think you have to basically forget about him and date other guys or you will push him away with being over invested. More importantly decide what it is you want from a relationship and keep looking for a man who will give it to you. It will probably speed things up for this guy to either commit or disappear. You’re giving this man boyfriend privileges without having earned them. You need to see other guys in order to dilute this situation and not be this invested. I recommend not sleeping with him or anyone at all for the time being if that puts you in a girlfriend mode. See you are making a decision here also not only him, so don’t do things that will cloud your judgement like sex. For now unless you know you can handle it (ie you know it’s temporary and no long term potential)…
I would “dump” this guy in my mind and seek companionship elsewhere. Thing is you wouldn’t be writing here if he wasn’t actually pulling back. And maybe the pull back guy is not your cup of tea. My bf was all in from about week 3 of us having our first drinks date. He didn’t have to sleep with me and pull away to be sure. He just was sure and was willing to take the risk and it was very relaxing for me. It has to work for you.

*even *lots of money

so…. everyone who advised me to stop sleeping with him… i didn’t even have to play that card last night…. this is how things went done…

he picked a great restaurant and made a reservation for us, which I always find really gentlemanly (I’ve had past dates/bfs who were way too flippant about this kind of stuff). when i arrived he kissed me per usual on the month, got me my favorite wine, and we sat. things were normal. we chatted, he ordered food for us, things were totally fine. remember how i was nervous about that girl he followed on instagram? figured out it’s his roommate’s new girlfriend! he also repeated multiple times he was kicking himself for not spending the blizzard with me bc he drank too much on friday. so all these things were good. i felt fine. he was stressed about a few things with work last week, he has a lawsuit against him for something dumb, blah blah.

but then… we went for a drink, and he mentioned how tired he was… and then he went home! he didnt even try to go home with me! we haven’t slept together for a week and a half (he normally can’t keep his hands off me and he was affectionate, but i was sort of shocked??). could this just be work stress, he’s exhausted, this is the point where things can slow down physically? or could there be something wrong all things considering?

i’m also annoyed things are in this steady holding pattern and not progressing at all.

anyway. thanks for all your advice, and I thought it was too funny sun, etc was like stop sleeping with him and then it didn’t even come up last night!

I wish I could have recorded the date to have someone decipher every little thing for me, as bad as that is. I think he does like me, I just wish I knew “how much.” I think it’s the quantifying factor that worries me. Like, he didn’t like me enough to push through the tiredness and TRY to even sleep in bed with me (we’ve slept in the same bed before without having sex, I like that). He didn’t seem to like me enough to invite me to this friends thing on Friday where some of my friends were, or make solid plans for me for this weekend. But at the same time he’s always curious about my upcoming plans and like hints that he wants to know who I am going on vacation with or weddings to (as if he expects to be invited), and said we’d see each other this weekend when he put me in a cab (albeit we have no solid plans), and was like “Oh we have our friend Caroline to thank for this” (meaning us). when we first met he said he never kisses in public places but he holds my hand a lot and kisses me a lot in public. I think things are okay, I just think they are gray and blurry, and most of all, not much different than how they were a month ago. thats what worries me. like, he went home after work to change his clothes, why didn’t he want to grab a pair of pants and spend the night at my house and go to work in the morning from here? why aren’t we pushing that level? (his contact solution and contact case are here). i just wonder if we’re going backwards, or just staying the same, and i just don’t want to be in a holding pattern and then i look up and all of a sudden we’re at 7 months of this and we’ve gone no where.

ashley i think that’s good advice, but isnt there something to be said if we’re almost 3 months in and it really hasnt progressed?

when we were 2 months in and it was like this i wasn’t thinking like this but i’m a little concern it doesnt seem to be changing at all, you know?

What progress do you want if the guy is not ready for a full on relationship? Did you ask his dating objectives early on? If you did , you would not complain it is not progressing and you are frustrated.

It now depends on how serious that you want him instead of the other way around.

Discuss like real adults by 90 days mark. If he still still not sure or on the same page. Kindly ask some space and weight your options. I would not have advised that but since you have don’t so much work texting and inviting ; why would he step up?

You two need some time apart to figure out if you can be on the same page. Want a similar relationship.

So my guy has kinda already ‘pulled away.’ We are about 3 months in & had our first disagreement, he said he was stressing out & became distant. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. I only texted him once during that time. Finally yesterday night I caved & Facebook messaged him that even though I know he needs space, I want to know everything is OK between us because he never even told me he needed that space to begin with.
It was probably too soon to ask him. Did anyone have that experience & does the guy usually come around soon or did what i messaged him turn him off completely?

He may feel your vibes of being fixated on him & feels like you aren’t going anywhere so he has no incentive to rake things further.. Like just enjoying your company but not feeling inspired for more at the moment. That’s why you need to be on the market because you ARE single. You can’t think like a gf when you aren’t. And a guy isn’t going to step up if you’re already acting like it. This may be subconscious in him, just a theory. He may feel your vibes of how focused you are on everything. If you’re doing your own thing, it’s way more attractive & effective at getting a guy to step up.

JB – yeah I can be really intense. I can be like this weird contradiction, because I personally want a lot of space, but I also just want to know what’s going on ALL the time. like i hate not knowing what’s going on. it’s a bad habit i need to break (or find myself a really good communicator!)

ashley – i think all the advice you’re giving is good. i think i need to pull back, and act like i’m single more, but i have this awful ego, and i feel like if i do that i’m going to get frustrated and be like, F it! and get mad at him, and just be like NEVER MIND. (i shouldn’t do that, but my whole thing is, when i see people not putting in effort with me, i think screw it, you know?). i want someone who is excited about dating me!