Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Pretty clear work-stress withdrawal patterns, but need some outside opinions
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mama.
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A
Hi all,
Going to make the backstory as short and quick as possible:
1. Meets boy, first 3mo are lovely, I’m crushing the “pleasantly cynical” vibe, he’s pursuing, all’s well (*he’s between careers at this moment)
2. He gets new job, he’s very excited about it’s long-term potential (I learned early on being money stable is very important to him), but it requires him working a brutal night shift…this is the moment he begins to pull away and go distant.
3. I’m bummed, but honestly don’t overwhelm him with neediness. We eventually agree to have a talk, and I get all the quintessential excuses (“I’m busy,” “I can’t right now,” “We should still hang out!” yada yada…). Again, I’m bummed, but heard him loud and clear, so I backed away, gave him the space it sounded like he wanted, and went about my life.
4. 2 months later, he gets promoted, is making LOTS more money, works day normal hours (it’s holiday season, so he’s still slammed, but it’s a good busy and loves the phat paychecks), and he slowly rekindled communication and hanging out, like in the beginning, even with the hectic overtime hours.
5. **During this return, I met his brother, bro’s fiancé, mom, and close knit-friends FYI
6. About a month into his return, he surprisingly asks me to be his girlfriend. I’m stoked but took it with a grain of hesitant salt
7. Shortly after, he got demoted back down to the night shift gig (holiday rush ended), making less money again, and thus has currently withdrawn again JUST like before. I’ve NOT asked him for a talk this time and simply given him space like before. We occasionally text here and there.
8. *His workplace has told him he’ll be back to the big money, normal hours position in March
9. He’s also currently having to live with his mom due to some roommate drama on his end, and is currently stressing about where to live (no I will absolutely NOT offer my place up)QUESTIONS: I’ve never brought up the very out-of-the-blue girlfriend thing since he asked, his post-ask actions haven’t been ideal, and it’s been about a month….should I casually ask, “Are you still of the mindset I’m your gf, or was that not your true feelings?” I just really don’t want to have another “talk” or give ultimatums, I think they’re dumb and needy OR: should I continue to give space, live my life, and see if the job position switch results in the same positive effect as last time, THAN maybe bring it up?
Looking for to some brutal honesty. Cheers,
AAngieBaby
What do YOU want from being in a relationship with a man and is this relationship up to your standards? Are you OK with this rollercoaster and riding it longer to see if things get smoother? This guy has a lot going on. Job fluctuation, living at home… not an ideal time to be trying to date someone.
It’s really up to you to decide if you want to carry this on. You can see when he gets stressed at work he withdraws. Do you really see a future with someone who acts like this? Or do you really like him and think this is all just temporary and you’re just going to go with the flow until things get better?
Does he have a plan for changing his living situation that he’s shared with you?
How old are you? If you’re in your 20s you may feel like it’s worth sticking this out for a while and if you do you’ve got time on your side. If you are over 30 and have any ideas about getting married and having children the clock is ticking for you. Men have a lot longer. I’m not saying rush into anything or stay in something that isn’t fulfilling. I’m saying sit up and think about what you want to have in your life. Women can waste years of their lives they can’t get back hanging out with the wrong man. Don’t be one of them.
A
Appreciate the words @AngieBaby,
I’m 33 and one of those rare ladies who isn’t actually super keen on kids, never played with dolls, never really envisioned and pretended to play wedding as a kid. I’m more of an, “If I have one, neat, if not, I can live a full and eventful life childless.”
A part of me is curious if the actions will change again when the work stress subsides. The demotion was a super unexpected thing for him, so I can imagine the mental blow he took, I’m just hesitant to casually bring it up in convo because that’s typically not what a stressed guy wants to do. It’s definitely something that needs to be spoken about eventually though. I’m at about 83% in the, “I have to be OK walking away and being done” mental mindset on my side, but I know it’ll bum me out to a certain degree, just working through that.
In regards to the living situation, him and his mom have decided to move into a rental in my neck of the woods (his mom coincidently is going through a bit of living struggles at the moment too, so they’re sort of doing one another a solid for the time being).
I sincerely understand work troubles and busy schedules, and have been there myself: I’m a teacher and head track coach who normally works 12-14hr days 6-days a week, but due to COVID, I’ve enjoyed some sportless free time this school year. I’m also a marathoner with a dream of running Boston before I die, and when I go in to full training mode, I disappear (no racing due to COVID currently though), so the whole requesting space and hectic work, I get. This all just honestly seems like a conversations that eventually needs to take place, that could go either way, but the timing is just abysmal right now. A part of me honestly doesn’t mind waiting a bit, got plenty to keep me busy, I’m just here seeing if outside opinions see anything I’m subconsciously blatantly and blindly ignoring. Seems like we just haven’t been given a fair chunk of life-uninterrupted time to see where we end up, but that could just be me and my optimism blinders.
Appreciate it. Cheers,
ANewbie
For me this wouldnt work and that mostly has to do with the inconsistentcy and that you dont even know he is your bf. Thats silly. Its one thing to giving a guy space, but not even knowing you have a bf is ridiculous.
I would step away and let him settle. There is no real bonding here. All the points you made were about him. I agree with angelbaby, this should be about you. And what you want. Not to settle with what you can getAngieBaby
This pandemic has made everyone I know weird in some way. Everyone seems to have some circumstances that are totally upside down.
Due to that, you might want to see how things go for a bit, but it’s really down to how much time do you want to give it. This state of flux could last a while for him. And I don’t think things are going to normalize, whatever that turns out to mean, as far as COVID goes until next year.
I don’t see any giant red flags here that require immediate discussion but you’re right, at some point you’ll have to deal with it and have a discussion.
Liz Lemon
Women always read a lot into it when a guy introduces them to family or friends. But it’s not always as meaningful as you think it is. I once dated a guy who took me to a family BBQ on our 3rd date and introduced me to a lot of family and friends. At the time I took it as a significant statement on the potential he saw with me. About a month later, he dumped me and went back to an ex. Don’t get me wrong, I know that for some guys (maybe even a majority of guys) it’s very meaningful for them to introduce a woman to their family, but some guys are pretty casual about it. So I’ve been there, done that, and I wouldn’t read a lot into it one way or another.
I agree with much of both Newbie and AngieBaby said. Like Newbie, I think it’s a bit silly that you don’t even know if he’s your bf, and can’t seem to have a conversation about it. So I would definitely take a step way back, and focus on other things. You said you “occasionally text here and there”, do you never see him in person or talk on the phone? Is that the extent of your communication these days? If it is then I would step way, way, way back.
And I agree with AngieBaby that this pandemic has turned many people’s lives upside down, and this guy does not seem to be in a good place to focus on a relationship (given his personal and professional issues right now). So he might be a case of bad timing, unfortunately.
March is essentially a month away (well, a month from tomorrow). You could just wait it out for the next month (focusing on your own life) and see how things go when his job situation stabilizes in March. It is unfortunate that you have not dated long enough to really bond and be able to address these issues. It really is a question of how long you want to wait around. Newbie says she wouldn’t put up with it, and I understand that. To me, a month isn’t that long to wait, but I also don’t think things will magically resolve themselves in a month. I think it will take awhile for this guy to get his life in order. So it really depends on how much time you want to invest.
Lane
You are looking at this the wrong way.
You are putting too much importance on “a title” which is meaningless unless there’s meaning behind it. What does the “title” mean to you? What are your expectations of a BF?
I’m all for getting clarity on a subject if its not in alignment but his expectations of being a BF may be different from yours, guy A, guy B, guy C etc.
Honestly, this should not require a conversation but observation. Its far better to WATCH and LISTEN to determine who he really is, at his core v. asking or telling him what you want, need or expect from him. You are now seeing how he ‘copes’ when it comes to his work/career identity, how important it is to him and how the relationship will suffer regardless of what “title” you have when its not going well. This is what dating is truly about…deciding what you can live, handle, or deal with when life throws them curveballs. You now know he shuts down and goes into his mancave which is a part of him you will need to ACCEPT if you wish to proceed.
He could be this way in other areas too, when things don’t go his way or the way he wants/expects, so its really up to you, not him to decide if its worth the time figuring it out or being someone he picks up and plays with as long as everything’s smooth sailing?
mama
Well, he’s showing you who he is during times of stress and you’ve stated that you’re fine with it for now.
This is not really the advice I would give most people, but maybe just wait and see how things go. You’ve got your own life that you seem to be managing really well and can be happy on your own. Live that way, do you. But if you meet someone else that you’re interested in, you may want to clear the air with mr. workaholic first. More for your own conscience than his.
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