Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Profoundly sad… ex is dating the girl he told me not to worry about
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P.
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P.
I found out that my ex is dating the woman I caught him sending flirty messages to while we were dating. When I found the messages, I had been going through a deep depression over the death of a close friend, so I blamed myself for him feeling the need to reach out to her. When I told him that I found the messages, he told me that I should move out. We ended up working it out, but we broke up a year and a half later. This woman was also dating somebody seriously at the time of their flirty conversation. He always told me “not to worry about her” type of thing and that I was “better” than her in his eyes. This wasn’t the first time I found him sending flirty messages to another woman during our long relationship. There were two other instances where he called girls cute on Facebook messenger and once asked a girl to get dinner, but then he deleted her because he said he felt bad. That was the first time I saw him cry.
Also, he also worked as a tutor for a college for awhile and he was messaging with some of the female students who were at least 5-6 years younger than him. I think it was them who added him on snapchat. I do NOT think those were flirty messages at all (he’s not dumb enough to lose his job), but it still feels weird to me. He did get very defensive and told me those students were just really good friends.
Anyhow, I found out through a mutual friend that he’s been involved with the woman he told me not to worry about. I am moving on and dating another man, but it does hurt to learn this information. It’s not like I can confront him about this, which really sucks. But I refuse to ever talk to him again.
I just need some perspective is all. I am fine, but I am just processing that he is getting away with his lies and gets to be fine and dandy like I never mattered for our 13 year relationship.
Zoe
What an ass, you deserve so much better.
AngieBaby
This man is a serial cheater. He will not be faithful to any woman, ever. He’ll cheat on her too. So dry your eyes and hold your head up and be grateful you got away from him and you’re done with him forever. His cheating is NOTHING to do with you, so please stop feeling bad because you think you never mattered to him. You’re looking at this all wrong. Your self-worth shouldn’t have anything to do with a man. This guy is a total &ss. Karma’s a b%tch – I see all the time that people like him have their BS bite them in the butt at some point. But so what? You found out what he was and ended it and have moved on. Don’t look back. The best revenge is to have the happy life now you were never going to have with him.
P.
You both are right. Here is my only issue. He was WONDERFUL to met outside of the emotional cheating. He did so much for me. So it’s hard for me to stay upset with him for what he did. I feel like I deserved it in a way, because he told me at the end of the relationship that helping me with my problems when I was depressed drained him and he just wanted peace. I don’t think I was a bad partner, and anybody who saw us together wouldn’t think that I was. But I do feel a lot of guilt and like it is my fault. I am also scared that this woman is the true love of his life and that I was just a placeholder until she became available.
Maddie
So, he was wonderful to you by lying about his feelings and being resentful of your depression, then felt entitled to act out by flirting with many other women and having an emotional affair? I’m sorry, that’s the opposite of wonderful. Stop making yourself the villain this story. Keep working on getting help for yourself, you don’t need someone like him dragging you down while you both blame you for HIS choices.
AngieBaby
Well, that explains why you stayed with him for 14 years. It can be confusing when someone is so nice outwardly but horrible in sneaky ways. Look up “gaslighting” because that’s what he’s done to you. I’d strongly suggest you get working with a therapist to clear the damage this man has done you so you don’t get into another similar relationship. You’re obviously not even close to over him.
The love of his life is HIMSELF. He treats women like crap. Either he’ll cheat on her sooner or later or they are birds of a feather and they deserve each other. Either way, you’re way better off without him and the sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be. You have to develop stronger self-worth and willingness to set boundaries going forward – he was very selfish and you deserve better. Only a weak man cheats and then lays blame for it on his partner.
Claws
Usually, flirting is the tip of the iceberg. He was probably sleeping around too.
I don’t see you taking responsibility for allowing yourself to be in a relationship with a serial cheater. Coz how can you move on from this without taking responsibility? Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you were the bad guy. I normally see people make themselves victims in such situations and make the guy the villain. But he was just being himself(a serial cheater). And it was all in your face.Also…dating for several years…no ring yet…should tell you that he was with you for the convenience. That’s horrible, I know. But a lot changes when you date for a number of years.
Also, it’s either you get married, or you break up. Can you imagine marrying him? Many would say that you dodged a bullet.
I think this situation should empower you by learning from it. And with that, you will repel such a man in the future and have more peaceful relationships.
P
Never trust a man who cheats on you when you are grieving. He’s a d&ck and seems to only care about physical attention.
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