Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Pros and cons – friends with benefits???
- This topic has 17 replies and was last updated 5 years, 2 months ago by
Anderson.
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Lola
Hi ladies,
What are your thoughts on friends with benefits?With a guy you are very attracted too but aren’t sure if you really like him yet?
The guy doesn’t want a relationship at all but I’ve never had a FWB so I’m partially curious but also unsure if it’s a good move.
Guess I’m asking what are the rules? And your advice?
Lola
Also to add I think I would like a relationship with him..??
Nathalie
“The guy doesn’t want a relationship at all.”
“I think I would like a relationship with him”
Rule number 1: If you feel you want a relationship never do FWB..ever. You will end up developing deeper feelings for him and he wouldn’t reciprocate and you will get hurt.
FWB wont work if one of you would want a relationship and the other has specified they dont want one at all. It will work for him but it wont for you. And if you have the slight idea in your head that maybe just maybe he might get to like you further down the road and end up wanting more like a relationship..please abort mission. It won’t happen.
anon
“I think I would like a relationship with him..??”
No, step away from the situation. If you want a relationship, do not settle for FWB. Be upfront “I would be willing to date you, but FWB is not OK with me”.
The only time FWB works is if you are both on the same page that it is just casual.
Dangerouse
Are you saying the only way you can get him is to give sex? He doesn’t want you as a girlfriend? But he would have sex if you offer it?
That’s not fwb, that is a creepy man and a desperate girl.
Lane
The framework of FWB lies within “a friendship” mindset, not a relationship. Two parties can engage in this type of framework and not have any romantic feelings, even though they engage in the act of sex, if you go into it with this mindset because you truly don’t have those types of feelings.
Its a stop-gap measure one engages in when they have no desire to be in a relationship but miss or enjoy the ‘companionship’ element of what a relationship offers without all the expectations of one. There are all kinds of different FWB’s but the key element is that it doesn’t require nor demand exclusivity where one could have multiple FWB’s, or engage in sexual relations with others if boundaries are not discussed or clarified prior to engaging in it.
BTW, I ended two because I didn’t have those types of feelings for them. The first lasted short of a year, and second, 18 months. They were just ‘filling a void’, after I ended my 20+ year marriage; and had zero desire to be in a relationship with them or anyone for that matter, just like yours does.
How do you handle breakups? If you suffer from heartbreak, then I wouldn’t engage in something that has a super high risk and potential of it never evolving into anything past the FWB stage. Of course its *possible* for an FWB to segue into a relationship but its super rare, especially for men, so it depends on how much heartache and pain you are willing to go through when he cuts you off the moment he starts get an inkling or feeling you want more than what he originally offered you—“an FWB”, not a relationship.
Khadija
If you want something more with him, this isn’t the way to go.
Oftentimes women agree to an FWB and end up crushed because the guy won’t change his mind.
This only works if you both are okay with casual and don’t have feelings for each other.
Lola
Wow, you’ve all given me a lot to think about.
So I gather this isn’t a good idea if I like him or enjoy talking to him or think I may want more?
The only time FWB seems to work if you both strictly only want nothing more so no risk of developing feelings?
Newbie
Having feelings for a fwb is not so much the issue but wanting it to lead to more is a receipe for disaster. I had one for a few years and i liked him, cared about him and sometimes felt i could love him, but in the end when he told me he got a gf i was happy for him and later on became good friends with his gf. Thats the difference.
Its also important to know you cant sex a guy into a relationship. There is this quote: men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love is a cliché with a truth in it.Anderson
*sneakily slips “some” before the words men and women in Newbie’s quote, then breathes a sigh of relief*
Keep in mind, Lola that the sex is very likely to get you attached and amplify your pre-existing feelings of how much you currently like him. Very few women can genuinely pull off FWBs.
I really like what Dangerouse pointed out that you seem like you’re settling from wanting a relationship with someone to FWB and that’s playing with fire a little bit.
Lola
I think you are right.
Initially, when I met him I said I wanted a relationship.
Somehow FWB is something I have been curious about and so hence I’ve come here and it sounds like I may be settling for something less than what I want because I’m enjoying getting to know him.
Dangerouse
If he’s such a great person, why would he want to sleep with someone he’s not interested in? Aren’t you being disrespectful to assume he needs to have sex with you when he’s already told you he doesn’t want a relationship?
Lola
@Dangerouse – I’m not really sure what you are getting at.
This isn’t a question of him being ‘such a great person’ it was a simple request for advice regarding FWB and how it works. Given I don’t have experience in this area this is the whole point of the forum.
It doesn’t mean I’m desperate or he’s a bad guy. People are at different stages of their life and want different things. I wanted to gather other people’s opinion on it.
anon
I think the problem with FWB is that a lot of women go into it thinking, OK, fwb now, the guy is busy, but if I stick around as a fwb, when he gets unbusy, he will make me a girlfriend.
The test of a fwb is that if the guy suddenly found a real girlfriend, you would be happy for him.
Like my fwb is 2 decades younger than me. If he found a girlfriend I would miss him, but be happy that he found his woman and vice versa, he would be happy for me to find a real boyfriend. I like him, enjoy his company, trust him but know he is not the one.
If you would be OK sleeping with this guy knowing he may be dating others and open to a relationship with another woman, than do the FWB. But if not, do not do it.
Dangerouse
FWB is when you have such a busy and fulfilled life, and so much confidence in your life that your friend is just a friend because you have your own things going on.
You have to be in a place that you have so much going on that you don’t have room in your head and heart for lovey feelings for the guy.
Dangerouse
FWB is not an alternative way to get close to a man that otherwise wouldn’t have you.
Dangerouse
For example, back in the 80’s I’m my early 20’s I had a zillion boyfriends. One period I remember I was sleeping with three guys my age.
Two of whom I was trying to sex into a relationship.
The third was a handsome fellow in our loose circle of Daytona beach, fl night club locals. Every few weeks I would drop by his house to buy some weed and we generally ended up having a lovely sexual afternoon.
We didn’t date, didn’t keep tabs daily, I wouldn’t even think of him until I needed more weed. Then I didn’t care if we had sex, but he was just a handsome young occasional pal.
You have to NOT care, for real FWB
Anderson
@Dangerouse, (misquoted you earlier when I meant Nathalie) I assure you those requirements for a FWB: not caring, busy life etc is what works for _you_. Certainly not every woman.
Doesn’t matter how many FWBs (or men for that matter) you’ve had, it doesn’t make you entitled to define what a FWB should be and what it shouldn’t be unless you’re talking about yourself. Thin line sometimes between experience based suggestion and guidance versus an opinion arrogantly disguised as a general truth.
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