Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Pulling away after 4th date
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A.
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Vera
Hi all!
Need some advice regarding a new guy I’m dating .
Background – some of you may already know .
I’m early – mid 30, single , dating .
Recently (a month ago) started dating a man who is going through a divorce (divorce not yet finalized ) and has kids …. already something I usually wouldn’t go for but he seemed very open and into me and said he is looking for a relationship.
We have been out 4 times , each time on his initiative and he’s been very good and nice and chivalrous and respectful . we have only had dates outside the house and have only kissed .After this last (4th) date he dropped me off and when we were saying bye he seemed a bit “off”. Usually he would enthusiastically say he will be in touch or make tentative plans . This time he sort of just said have a great week , and then “we will do this again”.
He just sent a message during the week saying hope you’re having a good week . And that’s It . Didn’t ask out again for the weekend , which is when we usually date .
As it is he’s not a texter and barely has been in communication between dates .I’m just wondering do I give him another chance if he asks again even if there is a gap between seeing each other ? Something tells me he just has a lot going on but I’m pretty sure he is still interested and will ask out again. But this break in the pattern has me a bit shaken (not terribly but a little flag is going up in my mind ) as I don’t want to be taken for granted .
Newbie
I dont remember your story but if you posted here the general consensus must have been you are in rebound territory and betting on this guy to become your partner is a really bad bet. This guy is not even divorced yet so the chances of him wanting to be in another relationship right away are close to zero. Unless he is one of those guys who cant be alone.
Your expectations are totally over the top if you feel you cannot be taken for granted after 3 dates. So i dont know what you asked about in the past but clearly you have not listenedVera
I haven’t posted about this before :) I just meant my background info re: my age, dating history . I last posted about a different guy, different situation about 2 months ago :)
It’s been 4 dates . Maybe I should re-word the being taken for granted . I meant I just don’t want to be strung along .
Thanks !
Newbie
dating in the first 2 months is difficult when it comes to managing expectations. Its better to have zero investment. TIf this guy has kids and is going through divorce you should put him on the back burner. If he now hasnt set up a date yet, i would see if you can date someone else too. If he sets up date 5, you can go, but still with zero expectations
Anon
If you have an uncertain feeling- the best thing you can do is do nothing because you will have a true understanding of what he’s interested in if you don’t initiate. Don’t overthink this and start analyzing what happened on the last date, what you said, wondering if you pushed him away. Just let him step up and make the plans. Don’t contact him.
Liz Lemon
Newbie is right. This guy isn’t a good prospect if you are hoping for a relationship, no matter what he says. He’s going through a divorce and has kids, so is juggling a lot. I’m sure he likes female companionship. In fact I think a lot of guys who are divorcing are quick to date because they’re used to having female companionship, but they don’t necessarily want a relationship. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that he’s being weird and flaky given his situation.
I don’t doubt that he finds you attractive and enjoys your company, but he’s probably just not mentally in a place where he can do more than casually date. So don’t personalize it. It’s not about you, it’s about his mental state right now.
So I think you are making a mistake if you’re getting at all invested in this guy. Like Newbie says, put him on the back burner and date other guys. This one may float in and out if you let him. It’s up to you if you want that. But I don’t think you’re going to see steady interest or progression if the guy is going through a divorce.
Ss
Pull back and keep expectations low. As others have said dating an as yet not divorced man with kids is not a good bet, but only you know what he has said about this and if his words and actions match.
I’d say date four is a bit of a decider date for you both. You BOTH should be evaluating if you see things going further or not. If you aren’t talking or dating others you should try to and not put all your interest in this man. Its very early days.
Pull back, watch, evaluate and see what he does. Do not initiate or put pressure on him. Just relax x
Raven
He’s (still) married…
Vera
Thanks all. Very sound advice
A
Don’t ever date a guy who is still married. Wait until they are fully divorced. You will end up getting hurt.
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