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- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by
Raven.
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Kerry
Hi,
Please can I get some advice how would you feel if your boyfriend of 4 years went looking on a dating site out of curiosity and expected you to be OK with it..and telling u he can do what he likes he’s a grown man with no ring on his finger he can look as long as he dont chat to anyone and he can look because he can!
Eric CharlesKeymasterYou’re in an exclusive relationship? Not a “situationship” or anything like that?
Official title, boyfriend-girlfriend, know each other’s family and friends and all that?
Kerry
Yes exclusive 4 year relationship everything family the lot!
Maddie
Sounds pretty disrespectful and manipulative to me. If he wants to indulge in some fantasy, why is he looking at women he knows are single and accessible? And he has no ring because he hasn’t put one there for 4 years, why is that on you? So instead of seeing that he’s upset you with his behavior and trying to fix the situation so you feel secure and have trust, he’s acting like it’s a chore to not look at other *available* women… okaaaay.
And you don’t need to rely on us about how we feel about it, how do YOU feel about it? Your feelings are valid!
Eric CharlesKeymasterYeah this doesn’t look good…
Not really something he can sweep under the rug now that the cat’s out of the bag.
Kash
I think this guy takes your feelings for him for granted. I would say cut your losses.
AmyS
This isn’t good. The way he speaks to you. No respect or warmth. That being said many married men or attached guys are on dating apps. I have spoke to them. Briefly. I may add not for me. It can be just a boredom thing. Chats and a bit of validation for them I guess.
If it was me I would be taking this as a clear warning he has no intention of growing things with you to the ring stage. And is checking out to see
Of there is the “greener “grass. You deserve better and you know
It. I think what you have to do is try and have a calm
Conversation about the relationship overall
And where he sees things. Does he want out ? Is he bored ? Is he frustrated with his life and I don’t mean your role in his life. His life overall is it unfulfilled.
Please let him know that you don’t need to tolerate such low level behaviour. And you will
Have to think long and hard about what YOU want going forward. Good luck.Rubi
Get a dating profile set up and see how he feels about it.
I mean boredom is one thing cause he has social media for entertainment but a dating profile design specifically to meet people and date that’s different because there is no other reason to be on it.
It’s unacceptable.
Eric CharlesKeymasterThere’s a very clean way to look at this.
You have an agreement: Exclusive commitment.
Which means you aren’t dating other people.
He joins a dating site.
… ?
I agree with the others that the way he’s talking to you sounds like he’s trying to bully you into submission for catching him, but beyond that, this is a challenge to the most basic agreement.
It’s not a discussion about whether or not he’s a “grown man” or if he can “do whatever he wants”.
It’s about if you’re in an exclusive relationship or not. That’s why you’re asking about this.
His actions direectly contradict that and if the discussion strays from that, it’s a distraction from the actual root of this.
You’re either in an exclusive relationship or you’re not. And if you’re not, you’re single and dating.
If he’s making moves like someone who’s single and dating (like joining a dating site), it calls the exclusivity into question.
Exclusive or…
Exclusive unless you find someone new to date or…
Exclusive and secretly going on dates with others…If you’re in a partnership agreement with someone and they undermine the most basic premise of that agreement, it forces you to re-examine the partnership agreement.
You didn’t make that choice, he did.
But you’re in a partnership. So it forces you into questioning the agreement.
I’m walking through this step by step here so you can follow the logic thread when things start getting emotional or other distracting “facts” get thrown at you.
This is very simple. It’s a partnership agreement.
AngieBaby
And this is the guy who e-tethers women on dating sites for week or months, makes dates and then cancels last minute or doesn’t show… he’s only on the site to stroke his ego, he’s not really available. This is why so many of us say, if a man hasn’t asked you to meet within a week or two of initiating contact and chatting a bit, it’s very possible he’s not for real.
Raven
Sorry @Kerry, Dump. Him.
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