Rain check right before first date


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  • #803431 Reply
    G

    So I met a guy on an app, we talked for a bit, had a lot of common interests and it was very friendly. He asked to meet up, and he suggested most of the details of the date. We picked a day, and we went silent for 2 days, but the night before he checked to confirm if we were still on, and hashed out some final details.

    Then the day of, like 3 hours before the date, he asks for a raincheck with no mention of another time. I don’t know if his excuse was legitimate or not, but I answered with something understanding/nice. But I didn’t say like “let me know if another day works” or something, I basically just said like “it’s ok” but in a nice way.

    This has never happened to me before, but I’ve used the apps a lot. I usually date for fun, like I enjoy meeting with people in and of itself, rather than like feeling pressured to find a soulmate or something. So it’s not that I’m hung up on this particular person. I’m just curious if I did something wrong. Like by leaving a couple of days of silence before the date (I thought there was no point texting then, like save the conversation for in person?) or when he rain checked I didn’t suggest something like letting me know if a different day worked or appearing at all sad (I thought I should just come across as understanding, since I really am an understanding person), but maybe these communicated a lack of interest? I don’t think he has any extra responsibility to be the pursuer or anything because of gender roles, but I figured since he cancelled, he should contact next to set up a date. But I don’t know, maybe I seemed so indifferent it kind of dissuades him reaching out, given we’re basically strangers, we don’t really have a strong connection or anything that would be worth risking rejection or fighting for.

    And how many days should I give him if he does end up reaching out again? Like if he reaches out 2 weeks after cancelling, I’d definitely just not respond or be very short and polite. But what about 3 days later? Like I said, I’m not hung up on him, and even if this whole thing lowers the chances of him being “serious” material, I have fun talking to people in general so I would treat it as a fun diversion (like a win/win, either I just have some fun meeting someone, and if we really connect further, great). And if he doesn’t reach out, fine, I’ll move on with my life. But I don’t like feeling disrespected, that’s a big one for me. So where for you guys do you think it crosses the line into like insulting/disrespectful to reach out again? Like I said, I’m not asking what a guy should do if he’s serious, because I’m not going for only serious, but I also for sure don’t like to be used or letting someone else feel like they can just call me up whenever. Should also add, I’m fairly young and not settling down for a bit, I’m open to finding something serious but it’s not like the only reason I date.

    #803432 Reply
    K

    If someone contacted me three hours before a date and just said, can’t make it can I have a rain check, without mentioning a reason or anything else, he’d have to work VERY hard to get any more of my time or attention. That’s extremely rude and flaky behavior. And highly suspicious – feels like someone who suddenly got a better offer… or couldn’t ditch the girlfriend or wife as planned. Would you cancel on someone like that with such little notice and not profusely apologize, explain the reason and promise to make it up to them???? Decent, honest people would do all of those things. And they’d call, they wouldn’t text. You may or may not hear from him again… but I’d be very slow to make another date with this guy unless he calls and explains himself and apologizes. I’d give him 24 hours to contact you, 48 hours tops, and after that he doesn’t deserve any further consideration.

    #803434 Reply
    Raven

    Do nothing…

    #803435 Reply
    T from NY

    What they said

    And. Think of going out with you as a job interview. (Not on the date. There you should be relaxed and fun and have ZERO expectations.) But the man courting you should be showing his interest, concerned about losing you or turning you off. You are the CEO and he wants the job. Right now he is 110 percent treating you like an option. And you should never be a guy’s back pocket girl.

    Note this. If a guy did this to me and then went silent for 24 hours or more – I probably wouldn’t agree to see them again unless they said it was an emergency they needed to take care of. But THEN he’d have to work really hard after that. Trust me. I’ve been that girl who had what I thought was a good rapport with a guy – texting, phone calls. Then he made up two excuses in a row for missing or postponing a date. He used his children as excuses so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But no. He was just an asshat.

    Of course you did nothing wrong. You don’t know him. But he’s showing you who he is (unreliable, not that interested in you or your feelings as he gave no explanation) Shrug it off. Let him do his work while you’re living your wonderful life. It’s his job to wonder about you, not the other way round.

    #803437 Reply
    G

    He did give a fairly specific excuse, but there’s no way for me to know whether he made it up or not. And I generally choose to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I liked this guy enough over message to think a date would be fun. But I think in the beginning stages of dating, both parties are trying to simultaneously read each other’s interest, and each person is only willing to put themselves out there a certain amount based on the situation. I hope this situation just isn’t us both not putting ourselves out there enough (is being the first one to reach out again now)? Like I said, I’m generally very forgiving and don’t care much about what gender roles say who should be pursuing, but it’s more than reasonable to think that it’s mutually understood that he should be the first one to reach back out right?

    Also does this happen regularly? Like I said, I’ve been dating a lot and never had this happen. And the timing seems off to me, like assuming he’s not outrightly malicious, he reaches out to confirm the night before, takes the lead doing the details, and cancels pretty late in the day. Maybe something really did suddenly come up?

    #803456 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Yes, he should reach out to you first. He’s the one who cancelled on you! You’re not showing disinterest by waiting for him to pick up the ball he dropped.

    And yes this happens in online/app dating. I connected with a guy once who I felt I had a strong rapport with. We had nice communication & lots in common. We agreed to meet for coffee & at the last minute, he cancelled & gave a vague excuse & asked if we could reschedule. I was gracious & said it was fine. I never heard from the guy again. And I didn’t waste energy worrying about why. You shouldn’t either. This person is a stranger, no matter how much you seem to have in common online. You don’t know his motivation. Maybe he got cold feet, maybe he’s not ready to date, maybe an ex popped up, maybe he met someone he liked better. You don’t know anything about his motives. So don’t worry about it, you did nothing wrong.

    If there’s anything I’ve learned dating (and I’m in my 40s) it’s that a man who wants to see you will see you. It’s really that simple. A man who wants to meet you will meet you. He won’t make excuses or ask for rain checks. If a genuine emergency happens & he has to cancel, he’ll apologize profusely & immediately set up another date. If he doesn’t do that, he’s not terribly interested. Some guys can be nice & flirty online but flaky about meeting. Don’t waste energy worrying about those guys.

    #803562 Reply
    Ss

    I agree with the other posters. Providing your response was a gracious “no worries another time then” kind of response he knows you are interested and it is up to him to contact you first to rearrange.

    Its happened to me a couple of times and like you i generally give the benefit of doubt. One guy rearranged immediately and we went on a few dates. The other carried on texting but didn’t arrange another date within a week so i pulled back and let the communication fade.

    #803609 Reply
    Sensy

    G,

    Find encouragement that your approach in dating is identical to mind and I landed in the arms of Mr. Wonderful. Don’t change a thing! It weeds out the ones not emotionally mature enough for a good relationship. Also,he waited patiently until I was ready for intimacy.

    #803610 Reply
    Sensy

    *mine

    #803612 Reply
    Sensy

    I will add that I would move on. I sense a time waster and your time is valuable!

    #803705 Reply
    K

    A guy I haven’t even met yet to me isn’t real and isn’t worth stressing over one drop. Whatever they do or don’t do in the run-up to the first date is on them, I don’t take it personal when they are weird or flaky. In fact, I like it when they pull crap right up front because then I haven’t wasted any time and they’ve taken themselves out of the running early with no effort from me. Leaving me time and space for the ones who show up and are real. That’s how you have to learn to see it to avoid wasting your precious time and energy on guys who don’t deserve it.

    If he have you what you consider is a valid reason for cancelling last minute then fine cut him some slack. But trust your gut. If he’s not rescheduling pretty quick, forget him and keep going, and don’t look back. Block if you think you’d be tempted if he shows up a couple of weeks from now. That’s a ploy some of them use, they think if enough time goes by you’ll cool off and forgive them. Just time wasters.

    It’s pretty easy to make a date with a woman, show up on time and treat her right. If someone can’t do that smoothly, not worth a second thought.

    #803706 Reply
    K

    If he GAVE you…

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