Really liked this guy I hooked up with, help

Well, I don’t do slut shaming. However, i do suggest that if you want something real, jumping into bed is not bad, but it does create a lot of confusion mixed with bonding hormones and it can send the wrong message. It is not about good or bad, it is about effective.

You have put yourself in a wait and see position. If you want something more thAn casual:
A. Let him lead, do the contacting and asking
B. If he contacts you, tell him you are open to more and want to know his thoughts

If you act casual, you get casual. That is the challenge with what you are calling your lifestyle.

Also, based on what you said, he wants it casual. He did nothing to try to impress you, nor did he see a reason to. Again, a reason against casual behavior.

You do absolutely nothing. Sit and wait

Dating these days is tough. We’ve all been there. You wrote in for advice. People are giving it to you. Everything he said sounds like he’s only interested in casual. There is nothing wrong with that. Just like there’s nothing wrong with women sleeping with a man quickly. BUT if you want something long term, or really like a guy and don’t want JUST casual – you have to do what Tallspicy said and not act casual, or accept his treatment of you that is casual. Can’t you see that inviting him to your place to have wine is like Booty Call all day long?

Do nothing. Don’t text. Don’t call. If he asks to see you again suggest an outing or activity that’s not a home date. And even though you’ve now put the cart before the horse, if y’all do go out, and are having a good time, ask what he’s looking for with dating. If he makes ANY excuse of not being ready, just playing it by ear – it means he’s only looking for sex and companionship. You get to decide if that’s cool with you. It doesn’t sound like it is. Going forward remember – do nothing except live your life and train yourself to only get crushes on men investing in you.

Like the other ladies said, DO NOTHING! He is single, for a reason, and you need to be mindful that men who like, or want, to remain single there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change his mind. A man who FEELS he’s being chased or pursued will kill any desire he *might have* had for you, instantly.

If you take the lead, he will only you as a casual fling because he’s already told you “this was his first stress free, casual hook-up where he wasn’t trying to impress…” which in GUY CODE MEANS: “You are easy to have stress free sex with! Don’t try to get me into a relationship because I don’t want to be in one.”

Men are very transparent, and say what they mean. You really need to carefully listen, digest, absorb it, and accept their words are true—BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES. If I wasn’t looking for casual, I would be ‘turned off’ by this behavior, and not give him the time of day unless he acts like a guy’s who wants to properly date you, and is showing a very high degree of interest of getting to know you OUTSIDE of the sheets. If not…NEXT!

Thank you everyone for the comments, it did help gain a perspective. Only when I doubt myself I get anxious and worried and stressed about stg so simple as a hook up. I won’t pursue this guy, I thanked him in person for the good time so no point to text anything further at this point. I used to do casual flings but I’m not in that phase anymore. Just didn’t have good sex in a while and I’m glad that I had really good time with him and this is enough. I’ll take a break from dating apps and etc. To find what I really want and invest my energy elsewhere. Appreciated for the honest opinions

no Mary he is not waiting for you to contact him, he is most likely arranging a sex date with another woman.
he told you he didn’t have to impress you, that is not a compliment!
Checking someone stories means absolutely nothing, I do it all the time and something I don’t even know who this person is.
He wanted to have sex, you gave it to him, without him even having to take you out , so please accept that it was just fun.
The things he said to you, guys do it all the time, they know what they need to say in order to lure women in. I went on a date with a guy who told me about his best friend dying, did I think he was opening up to me ? No! because I must have had at least 5 dates with different guys who told me exactly the same story.
Do yourself a favour and stop thinking about him :)

Ofc, it’s an experience and fun. Only one thing I disagree with is that he didn’t have to lure me I approached him first on the app and he asked me to meet at his place. Yes my comment showed that I wanted to get sexual and I made the move when we got together. I don’t need a man to impress me to have sex if I already decided that there is sexual attraction. And all the nice gestures he did all were after we did it multiple times consecutively. Obviously I’m not saying that the guy got feelings for me neither that he sits and waits for me. Sometimes you gotta rely on your intuition and own judgement to assess a situation and decide what’s best for you. I’m learning lessons the hard way and for me it works best to get explicitly rejected, as it leaves me no room to over think but genuinely accept it. What is wrong to wanna hang out with a young person my age? Even if it was just hook up, I liked his company and could easily drink beer or smoke together as I told him as friends nothing sexual, ofc if he wanted to nothing forced. I’m the first to pull away and move on if I don’t get same vibes eventually and manage not to lose my enthusiasm. Yes I am naive got lonely and it single life hit harder post pandemic. Still trying to balance excession of emotions which under normal circumstances wouldn’t care much.

Mary, you are riding the oxytocin train! Sex does a number on women because of our hormones that we secrete during sex, which are the same one’s that bonds a woman to her new born baby—it’s very powerful stuff! Men don’t experience the hormones we do because they can’t give birth. They have the opposite hormonal affect that woman do, to the point they feel compelled to ‘get away’ so to bring their hormone levels back up. This is why men can have sex with multiple women without ever catching feelings for any of them! Understanding how men operate, especially when it comes to sex, will better prepare you for these types of events, such as the one you are experiencing.

Going forward, if you truly fancy a guy then DO NOT have sex with him until he’s made it very very very clear he’s far more interested in getting to know you OUTSIDE of the sheets, than in them, as that’s how men fall in love! If you don’t care if you ever see a guy again, those are the one’s you can safely have an ONS with.

It is perfectly fine if you want to engage in an ONS from time-to-time but you MUST have the right *expectations* if you are going to engage in it; which is, EXPECTING it to be nothing more than a romp in the hay! Don’t try to act like the ‘cool girl’ when you clearly are not. A true cool girl wouldn’t give this guy another thought because she knows how a really interested guy acts, and behaves, which is the opposite of this one. Toss this guy back in the sea, and get to know how your opposition (men) operate, as there a lot of articles on this forum that will save you from repeating the same mistakes, over, and over, and over.

Mary

You’re projecting yourself as a sexually emancipated woman who doesn’t give a damn about gender stereotypes, which means you would be also bold and smart. So why then, is this guy who didn’t do jac for you except to give you instant gratification, is still living rent free in your head?

You should be onto the next one now, what would it take for you to just forget about this one?

“Only one thing I disagree with is that he didn’t have to lure me I approached him first on the app and he asked me to meet at his place”

It doesn’t matter who does the approaching really, you made it even easier for him hence he said, to quote you.

“He wished me great week ahead and said this was his first stress free, casual hook-up where he wasn’t trying to impress the girl”

Also, you lost the power to decide anything because you are the pursuer here.

“What is wrong to wanna hang out with a young person my age?”

Nothing wrong, just that this guys actions are saying he doesn’t want to contact you or hang out. Why then are you wanting to pursue him?

“It happened after we had sex and we were chilling on the couch. There wasn’t any intention to go for another round so even gaining my sympathy at this point would be pointless”

This triggered an emotional investment on your part, which is why you mentioned it not only once but twice and are using it to rationalize his behavior and try to psycho-analyze him.

“I’m learning lessons the hard way and for me it works best to get explicitly rejected, as it leaves me no room to over think but genuinely accept it”

Do you want him to reject you a second time for this to sink in.He already rejected you and he should be out of your mind by now but here you are, planning a soiree because you want to hang out again. This says you didn’t get the message the first time.

Chances are high, if was just a one night stand for him or until he gets an itch.

It was just sex for both of you, so do nothing, move on, forget him.

Mary,
People are blunt here, that’s how it seems to work. People make it black and white because we only know the facts you present, and they work off of that. It’s not personal. I think most commenters are actually being fairly respectful to you. It’s difficult to hear truth, but this is a good place to get unadulterated advice. This forum does not usually coddle people’s emotions.

No one knows the path you took to get from past to present. No one knows mine either. There are a few posters here who like to share A LOT of their own backstory but it’s not necessary. Take the info you think is helpful and work on letting go of the advice that doesn’t apply to your life/personality. It’s not personal.

Always be yourself. But be open to advice that might help you do that in a way that isn’t damaging to you. In the end, we all want to be heard, understood, loved, and supported in a relationship or connection. You won’t always get it and these folks want to help you come out of this in a better place than you went in. So the advice you find difficult to read… maybe step away, give yourself some space, then come back to it at a later time. Maybe there is some truth there you don’t want to hear, or maybe it’s total BS. Give yourself some time to read the room.

Hang in there friend!

We don’t know your story but we want you to be loved and respected. We all want to find love / great relationships.
And yes we do learn by making mistakes but those ladies here, their advice is usually spot on and they helped me in the past too even though I was trying to find excuses for the guys I was dating at that time. I’ve learned a lot from this forum and I no longer waste my time on men who don’t want me.
It is easy to say things when we are not involved but like someone else said step back , give yourself some time and in a week or 2 you will agree with everything that’s been said on here 🙂

Thank you all. I’m confused and frustrated with myself, just don’t seem to fit well within societal norms. I want to feel loved and respected but I also don’t feel like dating or entering into a relationship. I’ve only done casual but at this moment of my life it makes me miserable. I’m not looking for anything but a natural connection with a person which I found in the past only one time but wasn’t in a very good place to handle it so I made tons of mistakes and pushed him away. I just saw him recently with his new girlfriend and it made realize what I am missing. The same day I arranged the hook up to get my mind off the other guy with whom everything just clicked from the first night and the way it was progressing our friends were making fun that we were soulmates, I’m not stupid I know when a guy is genuinely interested. But it’s exhausting looking for him in every guy I meet, I’m just not ready to go out and date so when there’s a chance I fuck around cause I feel like I won’t find someone with whom I vibed that much (and yes we slept together from first night and had already our inside jokes created so no I don’t think it matters if you sleep with the guy right away or not it just pure luck sometimes finding love). I stopped looking but I missed that feeling and no, no guy has been remotely close to that. That’s why I don’t date can’t do it, I feel awkward and without potential.