Really liked this guy I hooked up with, help

Mary,

I am glad that you have now been able to vulnerably open up to us and tell us the whole Story.

I advise you to take a step away from this scenario to evaluate a lot of matters:

First of all, please do not beat yourself up over what you believe Societal-Norms to be. I have just now realized that ultimately there are no scripted Societal-Norms; as everybody has a different definition for behaviorisms.

You should instead really act according to what is best for you. :) I find that what is best for oneself is what makes one feel happy and fulfilled.

I believe that you are saying that you hooked-up with this guy are posting about in order to find solace from seeing a guy of the Past with his new girlfriend. I also believe that you are saying that you hook-up with guys in order to find an outlet from your insecurity about putting yourself out in the Dating-World.

Since casually hooking-up is making you feel shame later onwards, it would be a good idea for you to take a break from dating and intimacy for a reasonable amount of time. You could use that time as “Me Time”: to devote to all your hobbies and passions and possibly family and friends. And then you can re-enter the Dating-World with a boosted self-esteem and self-image and a lucid idea of all that you really want.

I wish you the best of luck! :)

“But it’s exhausting looking for him in every guy I meet”

I used to share this approach. It drove me crazy. It wasn’t fun to date, I’d feel strong, quick connections rarely, and it made my expectations out of wack which generally resulted in disappointment and sadness.

You may consider repositioning your dating perspective. Instead of looking at every guy as the potential one you still haven’t found yet, just take it one date or encounter at a time. The only goal of meeting up? Get to know the person better and decide if you like them enough to want to continue getting to know them on a second date if they ask again, then a third, etc. Those instant, rushed connections never, ever worked for me because in actuality they were familiar intensity rushes from the personal issues me and my dates both had bumping up against each other. When I started taking time to get to know someone without much expectation, being open to explore our compatibility without trying to focus on winning them over, and building a foundation of consistency and trust before getting very emotionally attached, it worked WONDERS. I still had men get mad at me for not moving fast enough and try to pressure me, but I saw that as a good filter since I had done all my introspection and already knew what I wanted. The filter was, if they didn’t want the same thing at a similar speed then it wasn’t a match.

It sounds like if you take some time to figure out what you really, honestly want before you jump back in there, it’ll help eliminate a lot of the confusion in the situations you’re encountering. Because you can directly ask what the other person is looking
for in general (instead of assuming) and find out quickly if there’s a mismatch in life stage and expectations, and stop meeting up if that’s the case (no next date or encounter, since you’re staying present by only figuring out if you want to see the person again a next time). That works for anything you want, you can continuing wanting something casual while you keep working things out for yourself, or you can want to seek a higher level of companionship or commitment, whatever it is is okay as long as *you know* what it is and stick with situations that are in line with your goals. No one is judging you for what you want either, and if they are then ditch them, that’s their problem.

Mary — just because you don’t vibe with every guy you meet doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It took me a very long time to meet the guy I am with now and I will tell you that neither of us are everyone’s cup of tea so to speak. I’m weird. He’s weird. Somehow we found each other. I spent years on my own (by choice) because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I spent those years figuring it out and then when I started dating again there were a lot of interested guys, but I wasn’t that interested in them. I was okay with being the square peg in the round holed world of dating.

Just because you don’t mesh with most of folks playing the dating game doesn’t mean there is something wrong with YOU. So what if you’re not a cookie-cutter formula that fits every demographic. You AREN’T. Embrace it.

and also, with my guy that I’m with … I am constantly battling that turmoil of being part of a couple and being my own person. As I said, I was on my own for a very long time and I really liked being on my own. I am inherently independent. So nowadays for me it’s all about finding a balance between being independent and being part of a couple. I’m sharing this because I want you to know it’s not just because of you and your singledom. It happens in longterm relationships as well.

You are not alone — many of us can empathize with you.

yes you should take many steps backward and think about where you are and where you wana go. what u want. with this hookup, you called him and asked him to meet but he has things going on. nothing much you can do but to forget about him and figure what you really want. also as one of the posters said, why dont you try dating? u know meet talk go on dates get to know before sleeping with him?

Thank you guys! Yes, truth is I was searching for companionship in the wrong places. I met again with this guy, we had sex and he brought me a bottle of wine to celebrate his birthday. Honestly, he makes feel good and alive, not sure what am I doing but I’m falling for him more each time. I’m not ready for anything because as you can tell need to do some personal work on my own. I believe he’s treating this whole thing casually. So as long as it’s fun and pleasure, I’ll continue seeing me. When it stops, I’ll just end it.

If you feel you need to do some personal work, you actually have to start it and then get more grip. This guy is toxic for you. We all come across one now and then. But he actually told you you were the easiest hookup ever. Give that some thought. Thats not a guy to fall for. If your brain would work right it would know how to gravitate towards love. Your brain gravitates towards getting rejected. You have to find out why and really start to do the work. Its not going to do itself.
And dont beat yourself up about it. You will get it right.

Hi Mary,
I think as long as you enjoy the process and you know when to start and end or if it is not started or ended by you, you would still be opened enough to accept it.

The problem I see it lies on you said you are falling for him. But the whole thing so far is just a casual encounter. On the other hand, you said you are not ready to hear his drama, so you are not ready to commit to a real relationship as well.

It is ok that we don’t know what we want and go test the water to see where we are at. At the end of the test, we might get hurt or hurt others; we just learned from it.

I truly do not want you to get hurt. I wish you all the best during this process. Good luck.

Mary, sorry to say this but girl, you’re a hot mess!

I’m not sure what advice anyone can give you at this point because it seems you have everything figured out anyway and you have the answers for everything , despite receiving some pretty solid advice from the ladies here.

You keep saying it’s casual but how is this casual if you’re falling for him? This is NOT casual. This is you settling for less, this is you lowering your standards and chucking out your self respect because ‘he’s a nice guy’ and because you’re lonely and you’re using him as a buffer to dodge your own issues.

So, you are hyping him up for basic human politeness?? Some guys were raised well, despite popular belief.

I see ​your past hookups treated you badly as you said, such that you get excited when someone is ​polite and treats you like a decent human being?

He was probably shaking and smoking nervously because your behavior towards him and the desperation is really suffocating and kind of creepy honestly.

I know you want to believe you’re in control here, but you lost control when you started having feelings for him.

For once, put yourself first and stop seeking validation and comfort from emotionally unavailable people.

I haven’t suffocated anybody and whatever I’m sharing here, my thoughts and feelings haven’t shared them with him. I’m not texting or are in communication with him. I internalized it and haven’t asked him to stay over, cuddle or stuff like that. It’s unfair to put me in this position of the person who can’t stay alone and always needs somebody cause the night before I slept with another guy and haven’t got any attachment. I happened to like this one guy but I’m not going all in or begging or nagging if that’s what you think. Maybe I’m a hot mess and get overly excited but I have never stepped into someone’s private space or creeped on them. I asked him to meet at my place and he accepted. That’s all, and haven’t initiated anything after that. You don’t really know me just a bunch of stuff I’m writing here that makes you form an opinion about me. Secondly, he stalked my friends on social media and added them so this is kind of creepy. He has a relationship and girlfriend. I know it and was driven by lust still. Being lonely sucks but not craving human connection. If I want f*** buddy I have some guys with whom I feel nothing, this one is not one of them so I’m not going to meet with him as obviously it will only lead to heartbreak and I’m not putting the blame on anybody or rationalizing. He is polite and has manners regardless of feelings or not, it wasn’t hard to fall for him. Anyway, I get your point and for my own sake will stop seeing him.

Dear Erin,

I might get defensive at first but if I go back and remember teachers or professors giving me tough love, it always helped me grow stronger and mostly they cared about me. I don’t expect few strangers in an online forum to genuinely care but I’m young and fairly inexperienced so I process all opinions and filter them but sometimes you gotta risk, crush, burn and learn-not talking about huge mistakes that might hurt others or harm or destroy myself or other people but especially with men and dating I follow my intuition mostly I do things wrong I even know it and still do it, I’m stubborn but learn by doing or practising. Each time I guard myself a bit more and build resilience. I don’t get desperate I’m passionate individual and I believe emotions change. Yeah, maybe I’m falling for him most probably won’t be leading anywhere but in few months it won’t matter anymore. Thank you anyhow 😊

Well, he only told me after that they are in an open relationship but the girl got mad he met with me. And yes, this guy I hooked up now. First said he has toxic ex but apparently she’s not an ex…

This is what I first thought because he many times referred to his toxic ex but when I asked him to meet he said there was some “drama” going because he has been in an open relationship and the girl got mad he didn’t tell her. But since he offered his netflix credentials to watch for free when I tried to enter I noticed they have common account so I’m guessing they are actually a couple.

Mary. Please please please look at why you find this guy all compelling. That is on you. At this point, you are the unhealthy one. Not him.