Reconnecting with ex

You said yes to restarting with your ex out of guilt. Are you sure you are really interested in rekindling with him?

He’s returned because he is jaded with women and he probably likes you up to a point to want to re-start things with you. However,I don’t see this going anywhere as he is settling and so are you in a way.

Thank you everyone for ur response

I will try to answer some questions

Why did i cheat ?
Because i was selfishly looking for extra validation.I thoroughly accept my mistake but i had already lost my feeling for my bf by then.

Am i sure if i want to rekindle ?
I m not sure but i wanted to give it a try n see where it takes us .He had proposed to try many a time in the last 4 years so i thought mayb his feelings are genuine n we can restart what we had in the past

Is it only guilt ?
Guilt had been a part of it but not totally.I do feel attracted towards him n do want to get close to him emotionally.

How did my bf got to knw about my online friend ?
When i felt the wrong that i hv done i planned to cease contact with my bf as well as the online friend..so when i did that, my online friend got angry n searched n contacted my bf n told him everything

This will not work. He’s behaving like he has the upper hand that I don’t understand why when he was the one that came to you saying nothing has worked with anyone else over four years and wants to try again with you, to then act like he’s a prize and not going to make it easy for you. Saying that because he gave everything before and now it’s difficult is just silly for a person to say when they came to you to rekindle. What was the point then? Now if you were the one that asked him to try again then naturally he would want to feel his worth this time around by giving you a second chance and you’re going to have to do most of the work to gain back his trust.

But I have this feeling he’s just lonely and bored and felt the need to be with someone and decided to see how you two will turn out.

But if I’m wrong on that part, he’s still not holding his end to have clear communication as you stated that he doesn’t come through on things he agrees to, especially with this long distance I don’t know how quality time will improve.

I also do not feel like you like him enough to take this forward. Maybe your lost feelings are truly gone?

I would decide on two options here;

1) You can be patient with the way he is acting out, you can show him kindness and understanding. You can check up on him regularly, you can talk about what happened and apologise, you can have a deep calm conversation where you’re slowly gaining back the rhythm of the relationship.

2) Tell him the long distance is not helping you both become closer to emotionally and physically be connected again. That you are confused as to what you both want and you would have a better shot at being successful together when you both can be in one place.

Reconnecting with someone in this situation is going to be next to impossible over long distance. You need to spend time together to get to know each other again, decide if you still really do like each other, and most importantly, rebuild trust. Being at a distance allows you both to only half-commit because the geographic distance in this case allows lots of room for fear and fantasy to take the lead in the relationship. Which, frankly, is probably why he wanted to rekindle. I doubt he’s aware of his own motivations in this case and probably isn’t doing this on purpose, but someone who can’t really connect with anyone for 4 years and then goes back to a long distance ex that he never resolved former issues with has tons of intimacy and commitment problems. He’s probably been like that since before you emotionally cheated, and it’s very possible you have similar fears too which is why you initially felt comfortable and attracted to each other, and then you made the choices you did last time.

If you want this to work out, I agree with Natz’s suggestion #2 that trying again if you’re in the same place is the only thing that makes sense. You both may want to speak to a relationship counselor together to work through and forgive each other for how your first relationship ended up, because you can’t successfully try again a second time without him fully letting go of his resentment and you letting go of your guilt and being happy enough with how your new relationship with him works that you won’t look elsewhere when problems come up and will instead be able to communicate with each other and solve them together.

Ultimately, you can’t try again with him and expect it to work unless there have been big personal changes for both of you that will allow you to come together to have a different kind of relationship this time. Otherwise, the problems that broke you up the first time will just repeat.