Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Remove him?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
Kristen.
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Kristen
I feel like I know the answer to this but maybe I just need to process it somewhere where people aren’t biased out of care for me. I had dated someone for 4 months, I moved on from it because he was always a little hot and cold, seemed at times to really like me yet other times keep me at arms distance, struggled with anything that felt vulnerable to him (told me detachment and acting non-nonchalant are his defense mechanisms) and eventually just told me at the end of 4 months (I hadn’t pressured it before that) that after his last terrible relationship he just wasn’t sure he wanted to “go through all that again” and he had been “happy” and enjoying his freedom. I understood that and it seemed genuine that he was saying he just wasn’t ready for the emotional responsibility of a relationship after getting stable again after a really bad relationship. I’ve been hurt and cheated on too once before – I understood his reservations and for my own self-care decided to let it go even though I really liked him because he just seemed confused about what he wanted or was ready for.
I didn’t delete him from instagram because it didn’t end with some really negative thing, we just parted. But pretty soon after he, as they do, seemed to be spending time with someone new. I didn’t read into it, just figured he needs the attention of someone there, and continued to just go about my life. We hadn’t been talking or anything, he liked a couple things, still watches all my stories and all that. But this weekend he posted a photo of them together – so publicly showing he’s with her. Right or wrong, I felt baffled and bummed. I get the “he just didn’t want it with you” but it always felt more like his fear of relationship got in the way than me lacking something or something missing. But apparently he is ready and capable for a relationship? It stings.
So it’s been months since we dated, obviously he and I are both free to do as we please, I didn’t jump to date someone new because I’m not that way anyway and I really did like and want something with him. I think I had hoped that he would take some time and get what he needed in his life or out of his system but then maybe when he’s more ready we could try again. There was real potential there. But now he’s with someone new. I’m wondering if I should delete him? It feels reactive or childish, and it makes me sad to have to cut someone out that I cared for. It’s hard for me, it feels like a permanent “get out.” But I understand seeing him with this new person isn’t good either. It send you down the “what did I do wrong? why wasn’t I worth that to him?” rabbit hole.
So do I close that door permanently and remove him or just hide his stuff for now? Either way I will continue to go about my life and certainly not wait around for him but if I’m honest both options make me sad. Thanks.
Tallspicy
Ok, your mind is doing jedi mind tricks…
A. His ability to show her off is not something we understand and it could mean he runs hot and then it blows up. Also him not choosing you does not mean you are lacking or missing anything. Relationships are not the goal, great relationships are. It he opted out, he will not give you that.
B. Is it possible you don’t want to unfollow him is because you want to be seen as the cool girl he can come back to? My guess is it is your last connection and subconsciously, you are afraid to let go.
C. Next time, unfollow any person who ends it with you. What they think is irrelevant and every time you semi stay in touch you are telling the universe you don’t think you deserve better. I promise any man who really changed their mind can figure out how to contact you and easy access only allows them to come back half assed as opposed to really wanting it.
You are not cutting him out, you are inviting in someone new. Emotionally say goodbye, wish him well, and push unfollow.
Never give people who don’t choose you ongoing access, they got rid of that right and need to re-earn access by acting. Not passive touching base.
Ss
Delete him asap.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks about you deleting him. He isn’t a friend he is a guy you dated and then stopped dating. Keeping a link – any link – open doesn’t serve any purpose for you and as you rightly say isn’t healthy.
I’ve been there and done it, hoping that the guy might change his mind and realise he wants me so i haven’t wanted to close the door but it never ever works that way. If he came back he would treat you like a doormat because by leaving the door open you are telling him you don’t value yourself so why the hell would he value you?
You know all of this already- cut the cord, take the ego bruise of it not being you he chose a relationship with, heal and open yourself up to new possibilities xx
Raven
Why would you keep him?
Liz Lemon
First of all, social media is a lie. A close friend of my BF was posting lovey dovey pics of his girlfriend on mother’s day (she is a mom). By the following Friday night they had had a huge fight and the friend was sleeping on my BF’s couch. Not the first time either! Every few months they fight and she kicks him out. They’re a miserable couple. But you wouldn’t know that if you looked at his IG, he just posts lovey dovey stuff about her….yeah well, we know the truth. Another guy we know was constantly doing the same thing, and it turned out every time he and his girlfriend had a huge fight, he would post a pic of her with a romantic caption to try to make it up to her…suffice it to say that he was posting pics of her several times a month! They’re broken up now.
I’m not saying every pic a guy posts of his girlfriend on IG is a total lie. But you have no idea what motivated this guy to do what he did. And it doesn’t matter why he did it.
You’ve been given good advice here. It’s not reactive or childish to unfollow this guy. It’s healthy. You have no reason to keep following him. You yourself said you haven’t even been talking or communicating, so you’re not friends. You have nothing to gain by continuing to follow him and it will just mess with your head. Tallspicy is right that if he ever did change his mind and want to get back in touch with you one day, he’d find a way. But don’t even count on that happening. Just unfollow him and don’t torture yourself.
mell
Every one of my friends who tries to ‘play it cool’ and keep recently ex BFs on social media A) spends their time miserably noting every time a woman interacts with them and going to pieces when they get a new GF and B) honestly is probably hoping he’ll take her back.
It’s a miserable existence. If you have ANY romantic feelings for a man after breaking up, don’t keep him on any social media – it’ll only be a sucker punch to the gut. And if you have no feelings towards him whatsoever, what’s the point of keeping him around?
Honestly, politely delete him then move on. You’re clearly not neutral about it – and that’s OK. You had hopes, and you secretly hoped you’d get back together. If he wants you, he knows your number – but there’s no need to have him popping up in your news feed with his new squeezes. I can see why you tried to make ti work – but this way is much harder for you.
I didn’t even add my BF on facebook til we’d been dating a year! Because I didn’t want my relatives stalking him but also because my friends’ behaviour taught me lots of us can go nuts over innocent FB posts from other women. I didn’t want to freak over every random message from a female friend or for us to get to know each other from old holiday photos or our facebook walls. Likewise, I didn’t want him to read into random jokes from completely platonic male friends on my page.
Steph
I’m going to echo what everyone else has said here, because I found myself in a very similar situation recently. Got dumped by my FWB. I blocked him on social the next day but was tempted and peeked at his Instagram, to see a picture of him with the woman he dumped me for on it two weeks later. It was the worst thing I could have done and it set my emotional progress back. I re blocked him and haven’t looked since.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks. If you care what he thinks it’s possibly because you’re wishing he’d realize he made a mistake and come back to you (I dug deep and figured out this is why I considered letting him continue to follow me on Instagram). It’s not healthy and to be honest, he doesn’t have the right to see how well you’re doing either. He removed himself from your life, so it shouldn’t matter what he thinks of you unfollowing him.
Lane
Delete and move on.
Kristen
Thank you everyone for your feedback, I hear it and appreciate it. I just really dislike this in this day and age. He’d only be the second guy I dated that I had to totally remove that way. The first – very much deserved! The others were based on real frienship underneath so when it doesn’t work, you part wishing the best for each other. I’m happy for them when they find someone. But I’m that way – I truly care for people and usually build lasting bonds/friendships. But this dynamic where someone wants you to act like a girlfriend but not respect you by actually progressing it, so out of self-respect you let it go but they just move on to the next one… eek. So that’s why it’s hard for me in two parts, 1.) Yes I had hoped he’d feel like he made a mistake and we could do better and try again as at times it really seemed like there was potential, and 2.) I just don’t like or understand how others can use or discard of someone so easily. But that’s real life and I aagree, he chose not be a part of mine in the way I hoped. So I will remove him, thanks.
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