Response to Eric Carles "Are Men Evil" newsletter..

I read your post with a heavy heart because what you said you were doing should have gone without saying.

A. Never move plans to do something with a man unless you are in a relationship, and then still infrequently. Simply state, I am not available at this time, and that sounds fun, I am available at this extra time.
B. Only agree to real dates – as in “I want to take you out on Saturday night”, not “I may be free on Sat, maybe we can talk then” – if he stands you up or blows you off, then stop talking to him, and do not agree to other plans.
C. Looking unavailable – this is a terrible idea. Healthy men talk to women who smile and make eye contact, that does not mean anything more – quick smile, quick eye contact, and do not chase them around a bar. Just give them the ok to say hello. I have never known women who look bored and disinterested to be hit on by anyone other than player assholes.
D. I do not understand how in the heck you were waiting for dates where men did not show up. I would never stand for being stood up – I would never contact them again, and I would be very put out by responding to anything they were doing to reach out after. What was going on? They called you and said – what are you doing on friday and then never follow up????

I am 31 y/o and went through a divorce last year. I had to turn down a date with (because I already had a plan with someone else) this guy (36y/o and divorced as well) who asked me out on a date via online dating website but then he asked me again so I agreed to go on a date with him the following weekend (Sunday). Before that, we had talked a couple times on the phone for over an hour each time and texted back and forth for days. We went on our first date, driving range, dinner, then to his house since my car was parked there because I had my daughter until the last minute when my ex did not come to pick her up so I had to drop her off at my mom’s to babysit.
He then drove his car for the date. He complemented me on my golf swings, allowed me to use his golf clubs since I was in a rush and left mine at home, paid for dinner, tried my margarita, opened the car door etc. I thought that our mentality was in the same level. We watched pre-season football and an art show, chit chat for a few hours then I realized it was late so I said I need to get going. He walked me out the door, kissed me (no tongue) twice then walked me out to the garage door that was opened, then kissed me again. I was caught off guard on his kisses and still cant remember how it all happened. I said maybe I will call you later tonight. I didnt call him nor text him that night because I had a few situations to take care of. The next day in late PM (exactly 24hrs after our first date) asked me how my day was. I said “hey, it’s great to hear from you, call when you get a chance.” he didnt that night. We texted/talked flirtatiously for the next few days until Thursday late PM. Then I didnt text him Friday nor he I. Saturday, I texted him “I hope your weekend is going fantastic so far” no text return and no call from him. I have not texted him since.
I thought that we both felt a strong chemistry between us and really was hoping for that second date but I have not heard anything from him.
I don’t want to contact him but I can’t get past why my thoughts always go back to thinking about him.
What should I do in this situation?

Hi Janice.

First, when you go on a date you need to go into it with zero expectations that it will evolve into a second, third, fourth…regardless of how good you thought it went.

Second, never tell a man after a date that you’ll call him (and then don’t call him). Just thank him for a wonderful evening and wait for HIM to initiate and schedule another date. Do not get into a texting match or get too ‘flirty’ because for a man he could take it that you want to hook up…be classy. If he doesn’t ask and schedule another date within a few days and just keep texting the best thing to do is remove his number from your phone and go no contact so you’re not tempted to initiate and start pursuing him—its a HUGE turn off.

Third, do not over communicate via text or phone before you meet. Leave the conversations for the date because if you give too much of yourself away too early then you take away all the mystery and intrigue. If a man can get this info. so easily by phone or text then they’re less inclined to take you out and earn it.

Lastly, you will kiss a lot of toads so you need to week them out right away. On the first date/meet when the topic of dating comes up just segue in “When dating, are you looking for something casual or long-term?? Then LISTEN. If its anything along the lines of “I’m no looking for anything serious” then BELIEVE HIM he wants a casual hookup (FWB). If he says something along the lines of “If I find the right lady I would consider something long-term” it doesn’t mean it will be with YOU, but he’s at least open to the concept so if he asks you out again then at least you wouldn’t be wasting your time with casual guy, unless you want casual.

Chalk this one up as a toad and try to change your dating strategy so you don’t rush in or latch onto a lemon.

Do nothing.

tallady is right janice. do nothing. always remember the treasure doesn’t do the hunting.

Bad people will treat you bad if you let them, and good people will treat you good if you let them.

Seriously, show yourself and other people respect, and the assholes will weed out themselves in the process. No games or drama is needed. Ever.

As for withholding or not withholding sex – if you have a deep connection with the guy before the sex happens, then it is not bad/negative/a relationship killer to have sex on the first date/early. In fact it can very well help your chances for a relationship.

Janice, yes, step back and let him come to you.

DOH ! I don’t know. I bloody well told the German I loved him after intercourse… I’ve NEVER done that before .. and I wasn’t too drunk.

I’m.. frightened of hormones after THAT !

Oh YES YES YES ! I can handle it ! Even him not replying. I am ok about.. rueful… but not sad,obsessed, rejected. It just wasn’t meant to be.

I 1000% did the right thing. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I had intelligence, challenges, romance, fun, respect, admiration, appreciation, confidence, super high self esteem,and a puffed up ego that I got him ! All these emotions/traits/values went 2 way I think !

I accomplished leaving my past behind and moving into the future. I am delighted I acted cool and confident and made him wait hours and that I spotted ref flags( just chose to ignore them).

So.. not one regret.. well.. ONE.. I WANT more of the chcolate pie Ann was talking about( him ). Better one night, than nothing !

Eric Charles mentioned that he knows married couples that slept together on their first date, but I wonder how many of those couples also had previously slept with someone else on a first date that didn’t end up in any relationship, much less a long-term relationship? I’m not saying this (sleeping together on a first date + it not turning into a relationship) is wrong, but this may not be what everyone is looking for. To sleep together on a first date, a woman has to basically not care if it is one night or twenty nights. This is true of any date, but for some women sleeping together makes it more difficult to not care. Going on one date, and it not leading to a second date is easy. Going on one date, sleeping together, and it not leading anywhere is harder (at least it would be more me… sex feels intimate enough I couldn’t just “move on” in one day like I can with a casual dinner date).

Regardless, I won’t sleep with someone on a first date (or second on third). Not a game… I personally can’t feel physically safe to be that vulnerable with someone unless I feel emotionally safe. This takes time, never have I felt this in less than a couple months. To a degree, I am “testing” the guy and “withholding” sex, but not because of manipulation or thinking it will make a better relationship. It’s about what I’m looking for and what I’m comfortable with. Most men who are assertive and impulsive enough to want sex on a first date are a turn off to me whereas guys who are shy and slow to warm up make me squishy inside. I’ve gone out with the first type of guy and saying I won’t have sex turns them away pretty quickly. Even if I did have sex with them, I can’t see the long-term potential. For me, there isn’t a loss.

I think it is important for a woman to know herself and her desires as well as know what she is looking for in a man and in a relationship. Withholding sex can’t “make” a man or relationship any certain way, but there can be reasons for doing so…

Basically, I agree with Eric, but I’m not always a fan of the subtext I get out of it.

Janice, I think if you’re on a dating site that isnt you doing the hunting. It’s cool because you’re letting the guys know that you’re there, ready for them to step up. It’s hard to explain (typing but i’ll try..) If you, as the female are initiating (by calling/arranging to hanging out)and making things happen a lot of guys might go along with it, go with the flow (take it because it’s there..maybe they’re bored or thinking “why not”)They might go along with it, but doesn’t it say more if they came to you? You know they really like you when try make that extra effort.. it just sets things up better..a better dynamic for you. I tried out being the initiator once.. it went horribly. The guy became lazy and I kept telling him “call me” and because of it, he thought he was the damn treasure.

Harley… friendship is tricky, because yeah, getting intimate can seem like a natural state because you do have a relationship already (and anyone who thinks friendship isn’t a relationship… is wrong. Friendship doesn’t have to ever mean romance, but there is a relationship between two people). It sucks when one friend wants more when the other friend doesn’t.

Dating sites: It’s not “hunting” to be on a dating site. I’ve done online dating before, and I have found that letting the man initiate the first message works better. I’ve messaged a few guys, but it never went very far. Also, a good friend of mine (a guy) does online dating, and he says he won’t reply to any girl who messages him. He’s says they are too aggressive and it turns him off. He says there might be an exception, but usually those aren’t the girls who are messaging (his words).

How fast a couple chooses to be intimate is about compatibility, but also I think people “connect” in different ways… or they connect *first* in different ways. There’s mental, physical, and emotional connections. All of those are important for a lasting relationship, but some people feel one more strongly before the other. For people who get sexually involved quickly, they are likely more attuned to chemistry in general, and physical chemistry to probably important to them. The sooner they can connect in the language they relate to, it may help them to bond in other ways (reaching an emotional and mental connection). Someone else.. like me for example, has to first connect intellectually with someone. By this, I don’t just mean getting a feeling or vibe, but really understand the other person thoughts and words in a way that takes many conversations. When I feel mentally connected, then I get an emotional connection, which then can lead to a physical connection (this is backwards to how most girls I’ve talked to feel in relationships, but it has always been this way with me. Sometimes I have considered myself gray-asexual, because my attraction to strangers and acquaintances is so low, but I truly just believe I have a less common way of connecting with people. I have met others who are the same as me).

I think couples who can connect in the same ways probably make for the best relationships. I’m not sure as I don’t have the data or even seen any studies that look at connection in that way. From my personal experience though… if two people aren’t on the same pay with this it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings.

I went out with a guy once… who was kind of flirty with me, enough for me to get the message he would be interested in having sex and less enthused about waiting (less tackily phrased, but I got the idea). I wasn’t feeling it, so I told him I was more interested in taking a relationship slow. He said that’s cool… but became uninterested in dating after that.

This guy was someone I worked with (in the same field, so we ran in the same circles). We ended up becoming really good friends. Half a year later… after I really got to know him, I completely fell for him. At that point, I would have jumped at a relationship and to have sex, but he made it clear that wasn’t interested romantically (I was his tell-all-about- his-dating-experiences-to friend). He ended up dating someone he slept with on his first date. It’s been five years, and the two of them are still together.

My point? He clearly needed someone he could connect physically to right away and that has worked for him. There was a time that I was upset that he wasn’t the guy who would “wait for me,” but now I realize that we just weren’t right for each other. It doesn’t matter whether I would have slept with him right away or if he had waited… we would have never worked out long-term because we connect in different ways.

Right now, I’m dating someone who seems much more like me. It’s been a few months and there’s been no pressure of sex. I’m not sure where he is at with that (in his mind, that is), but I know he has said finding someone he can connect to intellectually is important. We are both types of nerds, so we go on some crazy conversations. I can’t speak for our long-term potential together, but it’s definitely more there on my end (the potential that is. At this point, I’m still trying to keep it casual).