Response to Eric Carles "Are Men Evil" newsletter..

Hell. someone said they were from Northern ireland !!!! Maybe one of the Amys !

OOOH.. my brain is gone to mush.

Yea.. “mad love” thing not good.. fucks with my head too much ! Thank God I am not obsessing about him, as in thinking of him ALL the time, looking at Fb etc. I TALK about him, but I’m ok… fond memories. I guess I’m just in awe that he could walk into a room, look at me “in that way” and I smiled because “I just knew”… but OBVIOUSLY.. THAT was all a load of shite, inside my warped head. he only felt it ” for one night !” lol !

Yep.. I had a needy, online guy lately.. NOW I know how men feel when we do it… it was a GREAT learning experience !

Janice,
I know you felt a special connection with that guy so it’s hard for you to just let him go or wait to hear from him. There’s a chance that he might get in touch with you again (or he might not). It’s always helped me to play it cool. I’ve had my heart broken too many times and I decided to change at some point. After dealing with a lot of these man-boys I personally got the most results by waiting for them to come to me. I’ve read that people are attracted to someone more when they are not quite sure how the other person feels about them. If you initiate contact it’s kinda like pouring the fire out (for them). It’s saying something indirectly to them.. “You didn’t behave right, but I’m still here” that’s never good. Don’t take yourself off the market, even when you find someone you like, keep dating. Guys who like you will step up to make you their woman before someone else takes you away. I say try to forget this guy. He’s not stepping up like you need him to. Try to go out and have fun, let these guys take you out and treat you right. I know it’s messed up but I used to practice my dating skills on guys I didn’t like. It was kind of like a social experiment.

Janice and Lane-
Thanks for the advice. I guess he isn’t that into me then. I supposed I really have not dated much to know the signs but I feel like all the signs he gave me that day were good vibes. I can take rejection and definitely would rather have a guy tell me directly that he doesn’t feel that we are a match than gave me all indirect indication of the “i like you” and then ignore me after.

Janice,
I know it ‘s confusing. When I was dating (before husband now) there were guys that would kiss me (in front of people) and tell me “they only liked me and how they don’t talk to other girls like they talk to me” and how they don’t play games. Then I’d catch them holding other girls hands and kissing them. I was watching from afar like a sniper..had to be like a private investigator! Dating can be crazy and frustrating. If they really like you they will reach out and contact you.

And you don’t need to act like a PI or a sniper, that’s degrading and ridiculous.

Guys (and girls) will say all kinds of stuff in the heat of the moment that doesn’t mean anything or last. Doesn’t mean they’re assholes, just that they get excited and that nothing anybody says to anybody in the first couple of months of dating should be taken without a huge grain of salt. This doesn’t mean being cynical, it just means being relaxed and happy and confident enough that you can enjoy a guy’s company without needing his every declaration of now much he likes you and how special you are to be 1000% eternally true…..just enjoy them as the transient compliments they are, part of the dance of attraction and dating.

A date is more like a test drive to see how it FEELS to like and be attracted to someone – so a guy paying attention to you, complimenting you, kissing you is all part of experiencing how it feels to date you, because there’s no way you can know how you feel about someone without trying it out. And the same will be true for you once you get a bit more comfortable flirting and enjoying the company of MANY guys……we all put our best, kindest, most hopeful self out on first dates…..to see how the attraction and the connection feels..,…the time afterward is to feel whether that was a good fit or not ….MOST guys you meet and enjoy and have fun with won’t be the right guy for you, but it doesn’t mean that dating them has to be any less fun or enjoyable because of it. It’s a chance to meet a lot of new people and discover so much about who you are, even if you never see half of them again

I won’t be a sniper. We actually discussed a similar topic where if he thought I was like that, he would not have given me his address on the first date. I know when we as women, like someone so much we “stopped by their house” just to push ourselves into their lives (I have done that in the past once). A mistake I will never do it again…

I am back on this site and has quite a few men talking to me (not bragging) but to show that I can move on with no problem. I am sure he can see that I am back in the dating scene. I supposed he knows that I am still on the market.

I did not contact him but you’re right. I need to stop obsessing over him. lol how silly to analyse this shit when I just need to say f*** it.

Yeah I definitely don’t recommend the sniper style..I was just making my point how these guys can drive ya nuts. They tell you all the right things, you can be dating for months and they start act weird. The only reason I found out this particular guy wasn’t living up to his words about “liking only me” at that time was because one night I had to find out for myself what he was really like (a player!) yes it’s totally crazy but at closing time I parked my car (never went in the bar) and saw him walk out holding hands with some girl he drove off with. Yeah it would be psycho if he knew I did that.. but if I never saw it with my own eyes I would’ve believed his bull. Now I know it’s not worth it, if a guy didn’t step up that’s all you need to know. I feel like guys need to man up more.The good dating that Janice described, happened to me all the time.. but in time, time tells you everything..their actions and nonactions say a lot!

You know that new TV show called Dating Naked? I used that as an opportunity to pick my husband’s brain tonight. I was trying to get his male perspective..I said, “Why do guys act like they’re going to call you or take you on a date and DON’T follow through?” Then he explains..”A lot of guys look at dating as a game. Who do you think came up with the three day rule? Women. What happens if we call them the next day? What would the woman think?” I reply, “I don’t know he must REALLY like me?” He said, “No. Maybe YOU think that way but most girls think eww is he a desperate puppy dog?!” He then told me that typically if the guy is playing the ‘game’ he will fall off the face of the earth…then the chic comes crawling practically kissing a** and begging to hang out because they love the drama (women do). I was shocked. I said what? I’d be at home crying but if the guy called me again i’d play it cool like i didnt notice. My husband was saying how when the woman initiates contacts after being blown off by the guy that now he knows her weak spot..any time he wants her to make the effort he just needs to pull away. He also confirmed that the guy should do the pursuing. I ask,”What about me? I didn’t kiss their a** after they disappeared, or act hurt which would condition/feed into them blowing me off, if they did try to call me again.” He said, that is why he knew he couldn’t play those games because I was hard-to-get, a different kind of girl so he needed a different approach. He said more things too but it’s interesting to hear his perspective (he’s a nice guy, but not TOO nice). I always thought if they disappeared they didn’t like me, but from what he’s saying they were probably running game to get a lady in bed basically. He said if a girl gives up sex too soon the guy won’t appreciate it as much as if he earned it, just like if a guy is too emotional too soon the girl won’t respect him as much then if she earned it in time..he was saying it’s best to take it slow for those reasons. Never thought i’d hear that from a guy!

Janice,
I was surprised when my husband admitted about those things. He also mentioned how when guys disappear how women get insecure..(he actually started mocking women a little bit) he goes ” oooh I’m too fat, maybe I didn’t cook him enough meals or go down on him enough or whatever.” He was kinda laughing about it like he thinks it ‘s ridiculous we beat ourselves up over it (when they disappear) but he’s like, but sometimes we do that and we come back and the girl is all over us..but, if they were straight-forward and showed their feelings or got flowers for you on the first date he says we wouldnt like them. He said women love not hearing from a guy and obsessing over it, it’s part of the reason they do it. I never understood why they Houdini act on the chics.. I just thought they were idiots. haha.

Janice,
In the past my dating life was really complicated! I had a lot of bad experiences. Like you were saying, feeling like I went above and beyond, unappreciated. I got tired of it. I even dated dopey meat-head gym rat guidos..one would say “I like a girl who irons my clothes, and no creases!” I’d clean their room or make their bed for them..but then I kept getting hurt, I put myself out there too much! At one point I decided “be everybody’s dream girl and no body’s fool.” I figured I would try to look my best but keep guys at a distance. I took things super slow but always had my eyes open to their bull. When I took things slow it helped me see their shortcomings how THEY aren’t so perfect as I had them built up in my head to be. When I was “open” and showing feelings I got burned typically, so I played it cool. It was lonely to have guys disappear when they didn’t get loving..but then I met my respectful husband who put in that effort, took things at my pace. So it workef out for me. Being a tough cookie can have it’s perks. Yes guys like your ex can go cryin to their mama, who will block their future love life boohoo..let’s go back to my moms house lol NOT

Janice,
Yeah I had to really pump the brakes on being giving and nurturing. The women I know who do the least seem to have the guys eating out of their hand. My sis-in-law is one who does NOTHING.. she made my brother pick her up/drop her off (wouldn’t drive ever) my brother gave her a credit card to use that HE pays for. They are married now.. and she refuses to cook or clean or contribute to any bills. My family and I are like wtf?! But guess what? My brother adores her..I’m just sayin. Years ago in college these girls I lived with had guys paying for everything, getting them gym memberships, paying to get their nails done. I’d be shocked, like how do you get them to do this?! They said they pretended that all the guys before treated them really well like gold (which isn’t true) but that’s how they made the expectation before things started. Yes it’s manipulation, yes they are using the guys and I’m really not saying it’s right…just a contrast to the crumbs I was accepting in the past as far as treatment. I was nice and guys walked all over me but they worshipped these kinds of girls. I learned from these girls..guys were obsessed. Even if I personally used one of their techniques I’d be playing for love, I’m not that cold hearted.