Rubberbanding?

Hi Alexis

When men worry about work, finances etc. they tend to retreat into their own little word so to speak. They deal with their issues and then just like that they are back to being themselves. Or at least its what’s been said on this site. lol

For now, give him space. Maybe check in to see how is doing and if work is any better. Keep it light and not too emotional, he’s dealing with some stress now.

Good luck

appears as if he is stressed. as cel said just give him some time and space and then u will know for sure.

Hi ladies.

The difference is easy but you need to be IN a relationship or he could be using it as an excuse to bail, so need to be extra cautious when in the early dating stages.

When a man opens up and tells you something is going on in his life that has nothing to do with you, but almost always work, then its him telling you he needs some space to deal or work it out ON HIS OWN. Men need to have a “purpose” which for majority of them is based around their career/work and if that’s unsatisfying then everything in their life will feel the same way because that’s their numero uno priority in life, not a woman as they can easily go though life without one.

Dating/relationships/friendships are usually the first to suffer when men aren’t happy in their career/job. If your not a strong and confident women who’s not able to separate yourself from his issues (not take them on as yours), then you will only create bigger issues and stress for him that he does not need or want and won’t hesitate to cut you out.

Believe it or not but “supporting a man” doesn’t mean you have to take care of or fix him, it means giving him some extra space so he can focus on and fix it for himself because trust me on this, if you do it the right way when he does solve or work through it he will make it up to you big time! If your an independent and patient woman, but not a pushover either (finding that right balance) then these are really good tests to determine how well you work a couple when as you hit bumps and hurdles life will throw your way whether you’ve been together 6 months or 60 years.

Great Alexis!

Your doing good, not too little but not too much. I however would put a time frame on it though because you don’t want to be seen as a doormat either, waiting around for a man to get his crap together will make you look weak in his eyes so need to strike that delicate balance by letting him know that you understand he’s working through something right now but still needs to check in and find some time for you too.

If you are not exclusive then you shouldn’t ACT exclusive. Should still be out there dating other men, doing your thin,g and not getting too wrapped up in someone who’s not giving you any attention when things tough. Riding things out is one thing, but being STUCK and not progressing at all is another, so make sure you know which one it is before proceeding.

I think the answer lies between your own comfort level. For me.. if I feel a guy is OK and I just want to reach out to show him I am thinking about him..I will send a quick text like “hey you busy?” or “hey how are you?”.

Neediness is texting several times in a row when you feel that your not getting a response or the response you want. How are you? Where are u? Why arent u calling me back? Are you ignoring me? Thats needy!

If you think you are being needy you will come across needy…set your mind to say I’m just reaching out if he doesn’t call/text back then that’s it don’t call him again. If a guy doesn’t respond to my text then I know there is no reason for me to address him anymore. I have yet to have a guy not respond.

I wish we women could understand the difference between being confident and coming across needy. Just because we ask, say or suggest something to a guy its not being needy its your reaction of how he responds that determines your neediness.

If you were to ask him…hey want to do something this weekend? Is that coming across pushy/needy? Now what if he says no I’m busy..how would you handle that?

Hi Alexis.

I know it can be tricky when something changes right when you think your on the right path you get taken on a different one. But that’s OK and its life’s way of saying no relationship will ever be perfect, you WILL hit bumps and hurdles but its how you work together to overcome them is what counts. If you run away every time it gets tough then you shouldn’t be in a relationship!

Again, its how you handle and deal with it as a couple that will determine your suitability. Assure him that you aren’t going to run away because something’s not going right in his life, but at the same time hit doesn’t give him licence to ignore or not spend time with you. You have to be upfront and direct with men because they can’t read minds so you need to communicate with them too….quid pro quo.

Agree with L. If I want to contact a guy I will, not because I need some instant response (unless its a real emergency), but that I have something to discuss with them. I stay clear of those “what are you doing” or “whats up” texts (I hate it when men do it to me) and mainly use texting for logistical purposes…”on my way see you soon”, “stuck in traffic will be a tad bit late.” I prefer the phone so I can hear their voice and determine their state of mind before deciding if their able to engage or not and then let them call me back when they can.

Hi Alexis,

I was going to address this post just to Lane, but I feel you may benefit from it also. So here goes to both of you:

I am reposting this part below because this is EXACTLY what I am having to do right now. I will explain more after the para from Lane’s post.

“Believe it or not but “supporting a man” doesn’t mean you have to take care of or fix him, it means giving him some extra space so he can focus on and fix it for himself because trust me on this, if you do it the right way when he does solve or work through it he will make it up to you big time! If your an independent and patient woman, but not a pushover either (finding that right balance) then these are really good tests to determine how well you work a couple when as you hit bumps and hurdles life will throw your way whether you’ve been together 6 months or 60 years.”

My boyfriend is having financial issues right now. He is having to do work for people he doesn’t care for. In fact, one of them is the woman he broke up with me for back in December. She is the rich one. The one his family “loooooove”. I am the “ho” according to some in his family. She screwed things up by being too controlling, like many high powered lawyers tend to do.

He has NOT told me that he’s doing work for her because his masculine Alpha Male pride won’t allow him to tell me he is feeling that desperate because he honestly can’t stand the sight of her now. He also knows that I knew he was “dating” her while we were back together too and so probably doesn’t want to hurt me any more than he already thinks he has. He had to choose and he chose me a couple months ago. He told me we are exclusive. Knowing that he committed to me even though some in his family hate me, is proof enough for me of his love for me. He went to all sorts of risks and potential trouble to be with me, so I am handling this in a balanced way.

I am NOT asking him about his work at all. I am letting him initiate 80 percent of the calls, texts, dates right now. I am basically giving him his space. Yet, if he wants to hang out and I’m not doing anything, even if it short notice or late night, I go along with it. Why? Because more than likely, it’s the only time he had to even be with me….and since I obviously want to be with him too, why should I let some stupid “rules of dating” cut out my fun time with him?

Lane is correct. If you want a happy and healthy relationship with a man, get emotionally healthy and happy in your own life first. This happens by living for today and not worrying about tomorrow. By thinking positively and being optimistic about your own life. Having goals and dreams that are your passions that you would like to fulfill one day. Get a new hobby. Do something you’ve always wanted to but never had the time. I’m learning to play Bass Guitar. I wanna be able to go and jam on stage with my son one day.

Hi Alexis.

Do not listen to your friend. Geesh, why can’t a man take a weekend off to do things? Just because your in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to live in each others pockets, and should be independent enough to make time doing your own thing and him doing his.

In fact, if I’m with a man too much I’m the one who pulls back. I need AIR and time to breathe doing things that I enjoy like golf, softball, hanging with friends, repainting a room, clearing out the yard…you get the gist. A man should be the cherry on top of your fabulous sundae called “life”, not the sole center of it.

Yes, you wish he would have called and scheduled something with you this weekend but that’s perfectly normal and OK because I’m sure there will be some weeks/weekends where your extra busy or have things planned that you want to do without him, and that is HEALTHY as it gives oxygen to the candle (relationship) that keeps the spark burning. Trust me, you WANT a man to “MISS YOU” because if he doesn’t then he’s not in love with you. Relax, chill, and trust it will all work out :-)

@Marie,

YES I DO!!! My man is AWESOME!!! :)

and is there a difference between being minigamous and being exclusive?

Hi Alexis.

If you want to see him them pick up the phone and find out what his plans are because if he’s in the thick of something, like a work project, then that’s where his focus will be. If you want to see him them maybe mention something about picking up some dinner and going to his but you do it once and then let him lead again by making the next plan or two. When IN a relationship it doesn’t always need to be him making ALL the plans as they can use a planning break here and there :-)

Whether exclusivity means monogamy is up to the couple to discuss and clarify and I would clarify that with him. When I’m exclusive it means monogamy to me and if it doesn’t for him then I walk away because we aren’t on the same page of something that’s one of the top of my list of core values.

Hi Alexis,

It’s definitely good to hear that your daughter is such a smart woman. There’s hope for the future generations. :)

As to what Lane said, I agree. I did something similar just yesterday. My boyfriend is going through some stuff where his schedule is erratic. I wanted to spend some time with him today so I just asked him what his plans were for today. He told me what was going on and so I just said “cool”. I didn’t go on to tell him what I was planning in my head simply because what he was going to do today is more important than him coming over for dinner at my place.

If I’d told him what I’d planned, he might have felt bad at disappointing me because I know he wants to be with me when he can. So since what I planned, a simple dinner could be had any other day, it was best to just say nothing just then.

He also had texted me yesterday afternoon thanking me for something I did and asking about my son. I didn’t see it for 7 hours so I just texted back with “oops, didn’t see this” and then just answered the question he had about me son.

I know he understood I was probably busy and wasn’t ignoring him. So that is also how I look at it. I was busy and that is why I didn’t see/answer his text right away. He responded to my response 1/2 hour later and that one I responded to right away because I was right there and I wasn’t doing anything.

By knowing that I got busy and didn’t respond right away, I know I wasn’t playing any games with him. So I give him the same courtesy. If he doesn’t respond right away and I know it’s nothing I did to cause any distance, then he’s just busy and didn’t see/hear the text. He will respond when he can. He always has, so I just don’t worry about it.

Hope that helps you in your situation.