Rubberbanding?

Andrea, I disagree and will explain why.

When I was dating my now ex husband he was on the tail end of a divorce and got hit with some debts (too long of a story). We had only been “exclusive” for two months and told me he wanted that chapter of his completely OVER so was going to be broke for two to three months and couldn’t afford to do much with me during this period. I was understanding whereas I’m not materialistic anyway so we were able to do most things free (darts, pool, softball, hanging with friends, local sightseeing, etc.) that didn’t cost much. Although I didn’t front him money directly, I did “pick up the tab” for some of it such as buying some food for him to grill us, some drinks at the club…small things like that which over two months didn’t amount to more than maybe $200.

When he cleared up all those debts he secretly planned a date at a swanky restaurant in a cave (we were in the military station in Sicily at the time) and presented me with a 24K gold tennis bracelet saying how much he APPRECIATED me sticking by him during this rough period. All I’m saying is that its OK to do things for your man when he’s in the thick of something and if they really love you, will pay you back threefold if you can ride it out. Again, need to strike the right balance—not too much or they feel like less of a man but just enough for him to know you will stick by him when you hit a bump in the road called life.

They need to communicate and come up with “a plan” of how long he expects this problem to last because he can’t expect her to remain in limbo. Over stressing about something you have no control is not helpful which is why its best to allow some extra space for now and keep busy doing your own thing so you don’t let it affect you personally.

Lane, I cannot argue with you on this because my fiancé quickly committed to me one month after we met and I agreed to stopping seeing the other 2 men I was dating at the same time, however, I made this decision because he showed me in every area that he has committed to me. Not only he gave me financial support, he texted and called me everyday. He’s busy with his own business and he did go through hard time too, but even then, I would here from him everyday either by text or phone calls. We’ve been together 10 months now, it only happened 3 times that I didn’t he’s from him for longer than 1 day, maximum 2 days, and that was because I gave him hard time, acted emotionally when he’s been through difficulties. And he always, always made time for me no matter how busy he was. If a woman has to constantly worry why a man hadn’t been in touch, and she couldn’t see him when she wants (once or twice may be fine, but constantly? ) he isn’t committed to her yet, and under such situation, she should not close down other options.

Awesome to hear Alexi! Now, read up on articles on self love and unconditional love within a relationship. Those articles will help a lot.

A couple of sites I’d recommend are Your Tango and Madame Noire. I found good articles there. Also look at websites that are male oriented…those will help too.

Hi again Alexis!

Throwing this out there but do you think its possible you’re over romantasizing the situation? I think Hollywood has created and unrealistic vision of what relationships look like and when it doesn’t compare you start feeling like somethings missing when in fact nothing is—its two people engage in a world that’s not always neatly wrapped up and perfect.

I just went through this with mine. I’m working on a big project that is consuming an enormous amount of my time and energy and he went all needy on me. Happened on the last one too but he wasn’t as bad as he was working as well but due to an injury has too much time on his hands now and I don’t have enough. I honestly could not handle both so I had to cut him loose. If only he could have been a bit more patient and understanding of what I was going through and waited it out for a couple months until things smoothed out a bit we might have survived it but I wasn’t willing to risk a substantial amount of money just to placate a man.

I understand where your coming from but you also have to understand where he’s coming from too. Don’t you have other things you can do to fill up your calendar instead of relying on him for it? All I’m saying is if your unhappy then end it, but if you can be a bit more patient and wait it out until he fixes his issue/problem, they will usually pay you back three-fold and devote their attention on you…until the next one arrives :-P

He is blowing hot and cold, a very obvious sign that he is not that into you. When you are not his girlfriend, you should not act like one waiting for him patiently. My fiancé is dealing with lots of business issues too and I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks. But I don’t have the frustration feeling because he would call or text me everyday, and he let me know clearly this is the last weekend he needs to work, next week he will take me for a trip, and he express his appreciation for my patience . Only when a man is committed to you, will he appreciate your patience to wait around, otherwise he could think you were so desperate and wonder why you had to wait, or even worse, initiated plan to meet him. Do not stop dating other man before he commits, you get a loving partner through choosing, not through chasing.

@Alexis, Men will call, text, tell you nice sweet words, wine and dine you and then boom, out of the blue they change. I know that behavior can be hurtful, rude and disrespectful, but it happens.

If I read correctly, you have only been seeing this man for three months or so, that is not long enough to really know someone. It’s not like you have a long term relationship then this happened, even then you have no choice but to accept what it is and live your own life. You are not his girlfriend, so until you are in a committed relationship you really are not in a position to be overly invested in someone who is not as invested in you.

I learned this the hard way and I am speaking from experience. When I finally decided to let go of the fantasy I had in my own mind, I was able to see I was more interested in the potential of a relationship with this man, but in reality he had too may issues/baggage to ever be where I wanted him to be.

You mentioned a age difference, you did not say how big of a gap it is, who knows, but maybe that is a factor for him. You are clearly in two different phases of life and maybe he sees this and it is an issue for him.

Men are very realistic in their thinking when it comes to settling down with a woman, women on the other hand are more idealistic and are driven by their emotions.

As much as he may care about you, he may not want the same things you seem to want. Of course he does not want you out of his life,but he may only want you on his terms. You can either settle for what you have right now, or just let him go before your heart gets broken

what you are saying alexis is what I went through some time back. my guy was 12 years younger. initially it started out as fun and lot of sex and lot of talking. he couldn’t have enough and neither I. things were so much that we became exclusive without even discussing. but then all the troubles started. I was settled in my work whereas he was trying to find his way around. one thing led to another and finally things got pretty toxic. we broke off many times and got back together. I gues smwhere I alwys felt a little insecure bec I was 12 yrs older and he bec he earned far less than me. I just wasn’t equipped mentally to handle thngs with a younger guy and I had really no1 to turn to for advice.

I really think u need to give him lot of space and focus on other stuff as well. don’t rush it. that’s the key. try not investing all your emotions in just this one thing. please ensure that u get active again in ur social life. treat him as a friend more than as a bf. keep things light and breezy. I think if he has to come to u, or if things have to work at all, then you cant be pursuing him. or waiting and feeling sad and rejected every weekend if u guys don’t meet.. your mindset sounds exactly like mine when I was dating the younger guy.

Soni,

You hit the nail right on the head…that is exactly the kind of situation I’m in. Although I am super busy with work, kids, friends, I’m never home pining away. I have a very busy career and three kids still at home.

The relationship has been monogamous, and like you, when we’re together, there’s no doubt about the attraction, etc. He’s many times joked around about how we get along so well, we should get married, but we both know it’s not going there. What did you mean when you said it got toxic? We never ever fight and every conversation I keep light and positive and just keep it fun, just as this site says. I am leaving the texting up to him, as suggested, but last week he called and made the comment “you’ve been so busy, you don’t have time for me anymore” yet he’s the one backing off. I am backing off big time, but like I said, don’t want to be a doormat either. He’s emphasized just because he doesn’t text every day anymore doesn’t mean anything – that he still wants this. But my insecurities from my past relationships come through and I’m trying to take a new direction in how I react – that’s why this site is great and all your suggestions are so helpful!

Lane-

I love your advice…it’s very confident! Question:
Why texts/calls for hours for two months to nothing?
I know they need space, but isnt that a drastic change?

We were in reg touch and then suddenly texts started dwindling. meetings got reduced to not every weekend. and I went thru exactly what u going thru. I made the mistake of getting needy and clingy and demanding answers I gues. a big chunk I have to admit could be the age gap insecurity. slowly the distance got vast. and I guess I dint know how to narrow it.

being pushy or demanding answers doesn’t work. I learnt from my experience. the affair got all consuming and just took over all my objectivity and rationale. also the fact that he never introduced me to his friends as his gf just got me more insecure. the last straw was possibly on his b’day when we met late nite after work for dinner in town and to stay over at a nice resort. we got into a screaming fight at 1.30 am in the middle of the street. I guess both reached our respective breakpoint. he left me alone and walked away. I wll never forget that night. I was left holding an overnight bag, a cake, wine which I bought for him, his gift and crying all alone at night in the middle of the street. sigh. it took a lot of time for me to recover from that.

I don’t want any1 to ever go through that. anywys that’s water under the bridge now. u need to ensure u maintain some emotional distance and lot of objectivity. And let him increase the frequency of his connects on his own without any prompt from u. u have already voiced ur concern. now let him be. if he doesn’t do that just let it be. I know how u feel. its difficult to reconcile when every day contacts dwindle down to occasional connects. try to take ur mind off ur relationship and focus on other stuff.

pamella I can resonate with what u say..

I don’t want to bring up the not texting me, but I’m thinking just to let him know I feel bad about practically hanging up on him. My friend told me to just completely cut him off and not talk to him at all. I think that’s petty, but I do think I need clarification as to where we are at this point.

Soni, we’ve never ever had a fight. It’s always been a fun relationship up until about three weeks ago. I feel after three months, I know you all don’t think it’s that long, but we have a little more than just a friendship at this point and I need to know where we’re going. Is that too much to ask?

So I guess all the “I have feelings for you” and “I love you” must not have been genuine?
He called me this morning, and I apologized for being short on the phone with him. He said I sounded stressed and wanted to know what’s wrong. I didn’t say a word about the withdrawing and not calling, but I did let him know I was not a hookup girl and that I was beginning to feel as if this relationship was getting into hookup status and that’s not what I’m looking for. He basically said he doesn’t want me to cut him out of his life, that he wants me in his life forever, and if I just wanted to meet as friends, he could do that as long as it meant I was still in his life. He said he felt that we were looking at it two different ways, which I took to mean it’s not a hookup in his eyes.
I did say from day one if I started to develop more feelings I would walk away since I knew this relationship was not going in a permanent direction. I told him that I do have feelings, especially since he told me last week he did too, but he never addressed it with me directly this morning as he did last week.

I don’t feel I’m pushing him into something permanent – just want clarification that I’m not a doormat, in so many words, which I feel I clarified…but we’ve decided to keep what we’ve got and I will take all your advice to heart and move on from here. Thanks again everyone! You guys are awesome. I will get this dating thing down, I have confidence in myself!! :)